I’ve Fallen in Love with Saying No

It’s revolutionary for women and femmes to just bow out of things we’re told to do, ignore people who think we owe them attention, and decide things for ourselves.

I’ve often spoken of saying “no” in a professional context.

That when you’re a freelancer or entrepreneur, you don’t accept every engagement that comes your way. In fact, one of the best ways to get amazing clients is to keep declining crappy ones.

It’s often because you can see the telltale signs it’ll be trouble and you’re going to waste time doing back-and-forth over the scope and hemming and hawing over your rates. You don’t even have to be successful to turn down what you believe will be a shitshow of a client! You have to think you’re worth saying no, and that you don’t have to take whatever you can get.

But I actually just had a perfectly lovely person approach me about wanting to work on their game. I’m flattered they want to hire me and think they got cool ideas. But I just don’t want to do it. Nothing personal. I just don’t want to. Why when I got lucrative contracts paying my bills and government and private funding for my own stuff? I already spent my twenties working on other people’s projects. I’m doing my own now.

Sure, I got a whole section on my website offering games narrative work for hire in addition to my consulting services. But just because an offer is on the Internet doesn’t mean it’s always available. Just because I’m online doesn’t mean I’m available and accessible like the 24/7 customer support chat that your preferred food delivery app may promise.

And if there’s one thing I love about entrepreneurship? It’s that my availability is fluid, but there’s always options. I never run out of options. I’m laughing my ass off at all the people who told me I’d have less security with self-employment. It’s a global crisis and I’m turning down work.

My old self and my old company were once hankering for an investor. What did I just do this past week? Turned one down for my current venture.

Just like the dev who approached me, I was nice about it. Hell, I’m flattered that a professional investor thinks I’m worth his money and risk. But I don’t want funding with strings attached. So I said no, but am happy to stay in touch: I might introduce him to the next Devolver, or perhaps he’d like to fund my movie. You never know.

Recently, I also had someone from my past randomly reach out to me via text. While I’m fine with cordially catching up and cracking old inside jokes, I don’t really want to reconnect. I put up with shit in that friendship that I wouldn’t now, and had some shitty views and outlooks as well that I no longer have. I’m not the same person I was in 2007 despite their feelings to the contrary. Hell, I’m not even the same person I was in 2016 or 2017 with the immense growth and vast life changes I’ve had since then. But even if I was? I have every right to say no.

Right after that, I blocked a few guys on Twitter who were shitting up my mentions. Then I blocked a fan who mistook a content creator’s niceness for being a friend, to the point I was getting distressed seeing the notifications. I’m a woman on the Internet, dammit. An overwhelmed one who does not owe access to every random schmo who demands it.

I said no to unwanted communication.

Saying no after a lifetime of being coerced to go through the motions feels like I’ve turned a radio dial to this amazing, powerful frequency I was not granted access to previously.

Between my own decades of trauma, undiagnosed and untreated mental health issues, the horrible conditioning from child abuse and a traumatic school environment, and the way that girls are socialized to acquiesce and constantly spare boys’ feelings and please everyone? It made saying “no” as an adult more difficult.

Even as someone with this “takes no shit” reputation? It can STILL be hard to overcome those factors. Sometimes, even harder because of those expectations placed upon you.

But when you’re taught that you “have to” do things like —

• Take whatever shit job or gig is available and you can’t possibly demand better
• Settle for romantic and sexual partners who you aren’t that into and/or treat you like shit because “you probably won’t do better”
• Give your time and attention to every person who asks out of some notion of courtesy, even if that person is being invasive
• Take all kinds of abuse from someone just because you share DNA or have known each other a really long time

First, I needed to practice saying no in an area where I have more control and confidence: business. After all, it was taking risks with my business that made me less afraid to take risks in other areas of life like traveling frequently to the point I’m now planning a cross-country move…and no longer giving a shit about the outdated slut-shaming standards women are held to, and just enjoying my life while I hope for the right fella to raise some toads with!

It began with turning down clients and projects that looked iffy. Then it grew to “Sorry, I’m making so much bank, that you sound like a great company to work with but this bitch is busy. You’re going to have to come back another time.” Most of them left with their tails betwixt their legs: a few were jonesing so hard for my game dev and shitposting prowess, that they doubled their offers.

Then I casually turned down the investor while still leaving the door open for things that don’t involve giving up my equity.

Now I’m unafraid to say no to things in my personal life: for every DM-slide I get on Twitter or private note on here from a gentleman who uses a good conversation to get flirty? I reciprocate with far, far fewer than those who approach me. I don’t owe every man who hits me up access, let alone a conversation and attention.

Women tend to be afraid to say no in those situations because we have the legitimate fear of being stalked, having the guy in question harass us on other platforms, and whatnot. But you know what? We’ll never react the right way. We’ll never have the perfect words to let him down gently. We’re told to be nice to these creeps, then they overstep their boundaries anyway. We won’t do anything right, so we might as well say no ahead of time.

Even when my dear old dad called me to talk about my moving plans, I had to lay down the law that I’m still moving to California and I’m a financially independent adult who can’t be stopped; and it doesn’t mean I’m cutting him out of my life. Then I promised to take him to Musso and Frank’s and get a special table just like Marvin Schwarz in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. But I still had to say no to his attempts to convince me to stay here. And trust, I know that saying no to a family member — even one you love — is a lot harder than some guy you hope isn’t going to pop off because you won’t give him attention.

So I’m starting 2021 with saying no a lot more. Because while there’s certainly times to say yes, I’ve spent most of 2020 reflecting on times I should’ve said no but didn’t think I deserved to or even had it as an option.

You do, my dears. May 2021 grant you the power to reclaim your time and space and say NO when you need to. 💙