Summary

An individual has decided to quit their job in sales to capitalize on the climate crisis by selling oxygen door to door.

Abstract

The author of the article humorously discusses their career shift from a mid-level account executive at a company named BleBlurg to becoming an entrepreneur in the oxygen sales industry. Amidst a climate catastrophe, characterized by poor air quality and an orange-tinted sky, the author sees an opportunity for profit. They recognize that people are desperate for clean air and are willing to pay a premium for it. The author offers oxygen tanks for $499, with a weekly delivery service, and an additional charge for the necessary breathing mask, highlighting the extreme measures individuals may resort to in the face of environmental degradation.

Opinions

The author views the climate crisis as a business opportunity, considering it a "growth industry."
There is a sense of irony and dark humor in the author's approach to profiting from others' suffering due to poor air quality.
The author is critical of society's inaction and the resulting severe environmental conditions, comparing New York's air quality to a neglected fish tank.
The article pokes fun at the idea of selling a basic necessity like oxygen, which should be freely available, as a luxury product.
There is a subtle jab at the potential dangers of the product itself, with the author cautioning against using candles near the oxygen tank to avoid a "H

HUMOR

I’ve Decided To Quit My Job To Sell Oxygen Door To Door!

Tell all your friends, breathing is in… out… in… out…

(Source: De Laurentiis Entertainment Group/Fair Use)

Hi there! Thanks for taking the time to talk to me!

I’m sorry, could you wheeze a little quieter? I can barely hear myself think. And that rattle at the end, that can’t be good.

But I’m here to fix all of that!

You may have noticed that the sun is an apocalyptic orange globe hovering in the sky like a bubble in a dirty lava lamp.

What are those things made out of anyway? No, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. It’ll just destroy the mystery.

The less I know about everything, the better.

Anyhoo, a few days ago I decided to quit my job as a mid-level account executive at BleBlurg to sell oxygen door to door.

I looked outside and I saw… Well, I couldn’t actually see anything. And that’s when it hit me! Climate catastrophe is a growth industry! The money is just there for the taking!

People will pay almost anything to breathe.

Sure, some people call me a ghoul, a vampire, a POS who takes advantage of other people’s suffering.

Well, duh! How else are you supposed to make a buck in today’s world? You say “airborne particulates”, I say, “Ka-ching!”

Canada’s finally good for something besides syrup and comedians.

You know things are bad when New York’s air quality is worse than Mexico City, or Beijing, or Detroit.

How are New Yorkers supposed to maintain an obnoxious sense of superiority to the rest of the nation when their city looks like that fish tank you begged your mom to buy and you swore you’d take care of, but then you didn’t and all the fish died, and then you went away on vacation for two weeks to a Jellystone Campground in Ft. Lauderdale and when you came back your mom had to wear a scarf around her head to take it outside?

It’s just sad. First the orcas decide to finally take revenge upon humanity, and now this.

But I’ve got the answer.

This here is an oxygen tank. That’s right — pure O₂. The ol’ lung juice. As sweet and clean as a mountain stream before it gets polluted by a strip mine.

This baby can be yours for the low, low price of $499, payable by cash, PayPal, or Venmo (sorry, no checks), with fresh tanks automatically delivered to your door every week, assuming the delivery guys haven’t died of asthma or been attacked by an orca.

What’s that? I’m sorry, the wheezing —

Oh, sure, just sign right here! Let me just check my phone… Yep, got your payment. All good!

Now, I will say that all of these candles are a teensy problem and you probably shouldn’t light them when you’re using the tank. It might get a little Hindenburg-y, if you know what I mean.

But other than that, I think we’re going to have a beautiful relationship!

What’s that? Oh, the mask! Silly me. That’s an additional $199. Just sign here.

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