I’ve Been Unhappily Married For 18 Years
Reader Unhappy Marriage writes,
Hey Dr.Psych Mom! I’m loving your FB page. thanks for being so open and honest and laying it out there. I’m about to have my 18th wedding anniversary. I am 99.9% sure my husband has depression. I’ve been going to counseling since 2009. my husband refuses to go or seek therapy. My counselor also feels that my hubs suffers from depression. my husband has kept a LOT of important information from me over the years. I only find out when he ‘slips up’ or one of his friends ‘slip up’……everything from steroid use, to hating our ‘date nights’ but never saying anything. So, I don’t trust my husband. i don’t think he would cheat on me….but it really wouldn’t surprise me if he did.
Ya know….I was gonna ask you: How do I have sex with someone I don’t trust and who is not putting any effort into the relationship/quality of our marriage? But after seeing all this typed out….why the hell would I WANT to have sex with this person? the only reason I am with him is because he is an amazing dad. We have a 7 year old son. they love each other SO much. that’s the part I love about my husband. Dammit. If you would like to give feedback on any of this, I can take it. Be straight up. That’s what i like about you. Thanks!
Well, UM, you do seem to have answered your own question. I have written about how to deal with a husband’s depression, and how to get your husband into marital counseling. If you’ve read both of these and tried what I suggest, and you’re going to your own counseling, there doesn’t seem to be much else you can do.
But then there is the child issue. You can read here about what I think about the impact of divorce on kids. I think that you have a choice here. Either you’re going to be unfulfilled in the marriage or you’re going to leave. Both have pros and cons. I would recommend that you try again to tell your husband exactly how upset you are, using a direct, non-attacking communication style. You don’t want to intimidate your husband with empty threats, so if you use the ultimatum of divorce, you have to be at a place where you’re emotionally ready to do that. Here’s how a conversation can go:
You: I know I’ve said this before, but I feel unhappy and lonely in our marriage. It’s hard for me to trust you and I feel that things would only improve if we sought outside help. I am considering divorce if we aren’t able to seek couples counseling. I really hope you decide to try, because I want to make this marriage work, especially for our son, who loves you so much.
Him: I told you, I don’t need any counseling.
You: Well, I do. Maybe you could just come to be supportive to me. Here are the counselors I have researched in our area and both of them have hours after work. (Do this research! He will see you are serious and it removes some of his excuses.) I can’t overstate how important this is to me. There are many issues I have to work on, such as feeling like it is hard to trust you (say they are your issues whenever possible, because, in truth, it is your issue that you cannot trust him). This trust thing stops me from feeling close to you, and from having sex with you. If I am going to remain in this marriage, which I would really like to do, I need you to be on board and try at least a couple months of counseling.
Him: Look, I don’t have time for this. I can try one time.
You: Thank you for trying. I am glad you’re doing this for me and for the marriage. (Don’t engage on the only once. It’s how he is dealing with his anxiety about going at all.)
If this sort of direct approach doesn’t work, it may be time to consider other alternatives to remaining married. If your husband truly loves your son, I hope that he will consent to trying to get counseling with you in order to improve your son’s life by letting him grow up seeing a happy marriage. There is only so long that you should remain in an unhappy situation. Your son deserves to see a happy mother as much as he deserves a nominally intact home. Furthermore, children who grow up in unhappy homes do not have any template for creating their own happy marriage later in life. Your son is growing up thinking that it is normal for there to be limited communication or closeness within marriage. This is sad and should be a motivating factor for both of you to work hard in couples counseling.
Good luck with this hard situation and thanks for writing in. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Also Read Getting The Love You Want To See Why You Have Remained This Long.
For therapy, go here for Dr. Whiten and go here for other clinicians in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health. For coaching with Dr. Whiten, go here. Order Dr. Whiten’s books, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family, and listen to The Dr. Psych Mom Show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or anywhere else you listen to podcasts. Join The Dr. Psych Mom secret Facebook group for more discussion about these kinds of issues!
This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person. Also, all examples involving people or clients are hypothetical amalgams, not actual people.