What 30+ Years Of Marriage Has Taught Me About How to Have a Healthy Relationship

Relationship advice based on what works for my husband and me

On May 26, 2021, my husband Steve and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. When that fact comes up in conversation, we are often asked to share our “secret.” While I don’t think our successful marriage is due to any hidden truth or special knowledge that we alone possess, I am happy to share my tips:

1. Trust your gut. We got engaged within a few weeks of meeting each other, and married eight months later. We both just knew (after many lengthy conversations and spending virtually every waking moment together) that we were kindred spirits and wanted to be together for life. If you don’t feel that way about your partner, ask yourself why not and spend time reflecting on your concerns. Your gut may well be trying to keep you from making a big mistake!
2. Communicate honestly, especially when you don’t want to. Arguments are inevitable, and storming off in anger or going in another room to cry may be a necessary coping strategy in the heat of the moment. However, it is essential to talk through difficult issues once you’ve both calmed down. You must be willing to be vulnerable, and openly share your feelings as well as your thoughts. Listening to and forgiving each other is what makes it possible to move forward together.
3. Say “I love you” often, and back up your words with actions. We say it whenever one of us leaves the house, at the end of every phone call, as we go to bed each night, when we make up after an argument and at other random times when one of us thinks the other needs to hear it. We also demonstrate it in all kinds of small ways, like doing a household chore that is normally the other person’s responsibility or going somewhere together when one of us really doesn’t want to go.
4. Support each other through the hard times. When my dad was dying, Steve took off from work and came with me on the long drive necessary for me to reach dad’s bedside and say goodbye in person. A week later, he did the same to go with me to the funeral. When Steve needed to leave a toxic work environment and ended up quitting before he had another job lined up, I hugged him and told him I loved him. We’ve been through a lot during our 30+ years together, but we’ve always been able to console and encourage each other.
5. Seek help from others when necessary. While we’ve never felt like we needed marriage counseling, we have both benefited from individual counseling (with a few shared sessions). We have also gratefully accepted financial help from family and friends at times.
6. Make time for fun. That doesn’t have to mean taking a vacation, though some of our happiest memories are from the many wonderful trips we’ve taken over the years. It can be as simple as playing a card or board game at home, going for a walk in the park, or dining out. Figure out together what you would enjoy doing, set a date and have some fun!
7. Consult each other before making any major decisions. It’s not wise or fair to your spouse to come home and announce that you’ve just accepted a job in a distant city, for instance. Significant expenditures should also be discussed in advance. I suggest agreeing on a dollar amount above which you must talk to your spouse before making the purchase. This has worked well for us.

One other factor that has been huge for us is our shared faith. Worshipping and praying together has been central to our life together, and we have always sought God’s guidance and relied on God’s unconditional love. I didn’t list this as a tip because I know happily married couples who don’t share a belief in God, but I would be remiss not to mention it as one of the keys to my own successful marriage.

I hope these tips help you have a happy marriage that lasts until death parts you. Please share your thoughts about my advice, along with your own words of wisdom, in the comments below.