It’s Your Fault If Someone Yells At You
I knew a massively successful guy who had a horrible ritual. When he’d get angry, he’d call three of his subordinates, one-by-one, and yell at them.
That outburst (or dump) would make him feel better and then he’d focus on his work.
I initially felt quite embarrassed when I saw those guys getting humiliated like that. Then it happened again. and again. and again.
Yet, all three took those yellings without saying anything. What’s worse was that they acted as if nothing had happened. Half an hour (or so) later, those three would be all smiles and try to butter up the boss (laughing hard at his lame jokes, listening to his life story for the umpteenth time, etc.)
They were rewarding the bad behavior.
If you give someone a reward every time they do an activity, won’t that person be encouraged to do that again?
The answer is yes. Psychologists call this conditioning.
What you should do instead
- You may not be in a position to argue. But ask questions. Ask what’s wrong and what could have been done better.
- Tell him/her that you can talk later to discuss the issue.
- Give them feedback later that there’s no need to yell in public. If s/he reacts negatively to that feedback (as it might hurt his ego), let it. Eventually, things will change.
- Don’t smile or laugh when he tries to joke. Maintain your poker face while interacting with him/her. Make it visible that you are upset with what happened.
- Share with other authorities (HR if it’s in the workplace)
- But the best course of action is to state in clear terms that it’s not acceptable behavior and you expect better.
Don’t help justify bad behavior either
Every now and then, we’d hear a neighbor shouting at his postman or a family member or the gatekeeper.
They hardly talked back.
That’s understandable given some of them were not in a position of power. But what’s not understandable was how they used to describe that person.
“He is angry but a good guy. Always speaks his mind and has a crystal clear heart.”
They were glorifying their offender. And making anger seem like a good virtue.
By doing that, they were putting themselves in a corner. If they fight back, then they’d be fighting against a “good guy”. If they don’t they will have to keep on taking the abuse.
Don’t help someone justify bad behavior. They might use that as their armor.
What you should do instead
- Don’t glorify bad behavior, as simple as that
- Minimize interaction with the person
- Take it up with relevant authority
To summarize
Stand up to bullies.
If you don’t have the power or option to do so, try talking to them or taking help from someone else. These bullies want to feel superior. You can be tactful and let them know they are already superior but such behavior pollutes their image.
But no matter what, don’t reward bad behavior. And never glorify them.
It might backfire not only on you but other future victims.
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