THE RELATIONSHIP DEFICIT

It’s Wrong to Say Men Aren’t Good Enough for Women Anymore — Because We Never Were

Improving ourselves is the least we can do

“Putt(ing) in significant amounts of effort to better themselves” must become the new male normal.

In a recent article, I claimed that America’s marriage problems were primarily the fault of men.

As you might expect, not every reader took it well. They believe the opposite — women are the problem because they’ve become arrogant and believe men aren’t good enough for them anymore.

I disagree. It’s not a question of “anymore.” We’ve never been good enough.

History, not opinion

If marriage is so awful, why do women keep doing it?

Each has her reasons, but traditionally, they’ve had little choice. Society has made it difficult to survive on their own.

And they’ve had plenty of reasons to opt out. Among other things, men are more likely to cheat, be violent with their partner, abandon their children, and drink or gamble away the family finances.

A man’s only job has been a paycheck, and that’s the trump card. It’s misogynistic capitalism, a blend of two of humanity’s least attractive tendencies. His wife was to be grateful for that and excuse the rest. Even if he failed, the responsibility for keeping the family together fell to her.

It’s easy to see why they might avoid relationships entirely.

All that adds context to anti-feminists’ virulent opposition to divorce. They insist the nuclear family is the bedrock of civilization, so marriage must be “protected.”

It sounds noble in theory. It isn’t.

I was 17 when Ronald Reagan took office, so I had a front-row seat to the birth of the culture wars. The way they talked about divorce was revealing: equal rights would be the death of the family. If women could get good jobs, it would “encourage” them — that is, make it economically possible — to leave their husbands.

What does it say about “traditional values” if the only way to keep families intact is to force wives to stay against their will?

The question of fairness

Other complaints are variations on “women are demanding men bring more to the table without giving more in kind.”

That sounds unfair. It isn’t. If you aren’t carrying your share of the load, you don’t get to complain if the other person asks you to work harder. And the history of women’s rights makes it clear we need to improve just to catch up.

Women can be just as awful as anyone else, but in general, they’ve been the more loyal, practical, loving, self-sacrificing, and nurturing half of the partnership. They’ve also been considered inferior.

Now that’s unfair.

Any man who criticizes women for judging him on superficial qualities deserves all the ridicule in the world.

Are women getting worse?

I’ve been around a while, and there’s no question men are becoming better partners. Unfortunately, the tide has turned over the last few years, so recency bias may cloud the vision of many young women.

Though you can’t blame them for being angry — long-term trends are cold comfort when you’re living in the here and now.

But then one reader added:

And yet the average woman today believes she is BETTER and deserves MORE than the average man, despite the fact that the average women (sic) today is WORSE than the average woman 100 years ago.

It should be shocking that someone is willing even to imply marriage should revert to early 20th-century norms. Yet an idea that belongs on the ash heap of history is not only alive and well, it has its own political party. It’s an indictment of us as a society and a species.

But the crucial question is, what constitutes “worse”? What good things are women no longer doing? Reading these guys makes it clear they want partners willing to accept traditional roles.

This isn’t conspiracy theory because they aren’t shy about it. Just look at the explicitly pro-tradition/anti-feminist attitude of conservative churches, “passport bros,” pitches for “mail-order bride” sites, and the like.

But the good old days weren’t good for everybody. Rejecting inequality doesn’t count as getting worse.

This mindset is like a runner who’s always been given a head start and gets pissed off at the thought of losing it.

Are men responding to women “degrading” them?

The flippant answer is that men have always degraded women as a matter of course, so equality means either we have to stop or they get to start.

But seriously, there’s an idea out there that women are unfairly judging us on more than the content of our character. For example, the supposed “6–6–6 rule,” which claims men aren’t fit for relationships if they’re not at least six feet tall, with six-pack abs and a six-figure salary.

But setting aside whether that’s true, any man who criticizes women for judging him on superficial qualities deserves all the ridicule in the world. And he should consider himself undateable until he understands why.

If you’re one of these, drop whatever you’re doing and pay attention.

Women know that every time they enter a room, they’ll be judged on everything. Everything external, that is — face, figure, manners, language, hair, makeup, and every stitch of clothing. No detail is above criticism. And in a culture of youth = beauty, she’s expected to look like she’s in her 20s regardless of age and the stresses of life.

Guys, we have zero standing to complain about being judged for factors other than who we are inside. Particularly when male assessments of women typically start with a pretty face and end with tits and ass.

If you still need to figure that out, you have work to do.

What does it say about “traditional values” if the only way to keep families intact is to force wives to stay against their will?

You must have standards

I’ve often heard variations on “women don’t care what men want out of relationships, only what they do.” For instance:

Average women literally think they deserve men of means simply for being born, they aren’t generally making themselves anything worth being with.

I’m sure this is sometimes true, but “average”?

As mentioned above, our society expects a woman to maintain the home, bear and care for children, and be the more loyal, sensible, practical, loving, and nurturing half of a partnership in which she is considered the inferior party.

That’s a lot of making herself worth being with.

What the hell more do you want from her?

Do some women set too high a standard? Of course. There are egotistical or delusional people of every gender. Speaking of which:

Somehow you operate from a default frame that all women regardless of their mentality, mindset, focus, and attitude are deserving of men who put in significant amounts of effort to better themselves and become emotionally intelligent and as one of those men I guarantee you that isn’t true.

First, while I appreciate a good straw man, the honest reader will admit I use a lot of qualifiers and try to avoid “all” and “regardless.”

But as noted above, women generally deserve better than they’ve gotten. In a world where they don’t need husbands, we have some catching up to do. “Putt(ing) in significant amounts of effort to better themselves” must become the new male normal.

To be honest, the vibe I’m feeling from the commenter is less “emotionally intelligent” than “arrogant misogynist.”

You can’t always get what you want

A relationship is hard work, and of its many aspects — from childrearing to sex to cleanliness to setting the thermostat — you won’t agree 100% on any of them.

Everything is a compromise. Are you a compromise worth making?

Even if you’re a great guy with a long list of positive attributes, do you have the ones she wants? Because all the looks, money, and emotional intelligence in the world mean nothing if she’s happier without you.

After finishing this article, I ran into Women are divorcing — and finally finding happiness in the Washington Post. It’s only one woman’s story, but she cites several studies and other articles to make her points. Guys, I recommend you read it, and with an open mind.