It’s Time To Stop Being a Yes Woman

Be honest. Be yourself. People will still like you, trust me.

Being a yes woman is the same thing as being a people pleaser. From a young age, I was taught not to ruffle feathers.

Walk on eggshells around Mom because she’ll burst over the slightest mishap. You didn’t want to upset the beast.

You might think that is harsh but my mother was an abusive, narcissistic, alcoholic, drug addict. She scared the shit out of me from a young age so I took to people-pleasing.

If I could make her just a little bit happy, I tried. All I wanted was peace. I wanted it to be calm and quiet, which it never was.

I am sure you would agree if you grew up in this environment. It was easier to people-please than the contrary.

This sticks around with you, too. Even though my environment changed when I got older, I continued with the people-pleasing without realizing that I didn’t need to.

I wanted people to like me. I wanted validation from external sources. I wanted praise. I didn’t want to upset or disappoint anyone. So, I hid the things about myself that would.

These are all things I didn’t receive as a child and constantly strived for as a young adult.

When you have an emotionally immature parent showing you the way, it’s hard to be strong in your convictions. Saying no isn’t easy. Saying yes seems to be the easier option and then you are stuck in a cycle of doing things you don’t really want to be doing.

It was no wonder that I didn’t say no to drugs and alcohol when I hit my teenage years even though I swore up and down that I wouldn’t partake. I would be nothing like my mother.

I ended up destroying my body, my mind, and some of my relationships after years of heavy use.

All the while, I continued to say yes to everything else. I think part of it was creating a facade to deter from my internal mess.

I said yes to anything involving my daughters.

They needed a room mom for my daughter’s classroom. Sure, I’ll do it. I’ll put in countless hours to help out, in and out of the school.

I will be the team mom.

I’ll be there to volunteer at girl scouts and dance. No problem.

With friends, we went where they wanted to go most of the time. It was easier that way and it made me think that I was easygoing, which is a positive trait, right?

Until it is a problem and you are worked to the bone. As someone that was undiagnosed bipolar at the time, I was unraveling little by little as my drinking and using escalated.

I continued to say yes to everything. All the events, vacations planned by others, school and work functions, and yes to all the substances that go along with it.

I got burnt the fuck out. The tiny snowball of yes turned into a significant avalanche.

Internally, I was struggling while trying to make sure I looked like I had it look perfect on the outside.

Getting to the nitty gritty of why we always say yes

I believe it all stems from fear. People-pleasing was easier than facing the challenge of upsetting or disappointing others. Sometimes it would feel threatening and what I really noticed was that I was saying yes because I was insecure.

I was reliant on the approval of others. It’s what I thought made me happy.

I never really thought that saying no was self-care. I wasn’t really thinking about my own feelings when I said yes to everything. But, I realize that now it is essential to my well-being.

I still catch myself sometimes slipping back into my old ways but quickly snap myself back into my new reality.

What I have found

If I am just honest and upfront about why I am saying no, most people are genuinely fine with my decision. In the past, I have said no without an explanation, leaving others to feel like I didn’t want to be around them.

For instance, right after I got sober, my friends were going to the lake for a holiday. I agreed to go, even though it is not a place that I ever wanted to visit again, because I wanted to be with my friends and also not cause waves.

But, I didn’t want to share a room with anyone or leave earlier or later than we originally planned. It was already a long weekend of being in a major party city around drinkers, which I wasn’t comfortable with yet. I was only a few months sober at the time.

But, I didn’t explain why I didn’t want to share a room or alter the plans. I only said no. It caused some hurt feelings.

So, now I am upfront about such things. When I was in Las Vegas, I politely declined some late evenings because I was tired. I wanted to get a good night’s rest. And, I told everyone exactly that. They were all receptive and I had nothing to fear.

I didn’t make up some stupid excuse to make myself look better. We can be tired. We can want to skip things. It’s fine and guess what, they still like me just the same.

I didn’t need to be a yes-woman to be liked. All it took was being honest.

Living in the no

Being a yes woman really meant that I was not connected to myself. My needs, my meaning, and my purpose were swept to the wayside. I was also left open to being relied upon more than I wanted.

I was spiraling and exhausted, especially when I was trying to do all the things while drinking.

From now on, I am trying to follow some basic guidelines that I put upon myself. Simple mindful reminders, if I feel that I am about to do something that I really don’t feel in my heart aligns with me.

If I am aware, I will be able to catch it. Being mindful is important. I check in with myself and try to come to an honest decision with an honest answer.

Sometimes I go into a fight or flight mode with my overactive nervous system and these simple, mindful intentions don’t work but with practice, it gets easier. Just like with everything else in life.

I think the big takeaway here is that people will like you if you say no. Also, if you are honest. If they don’t, they are not your people.

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