It’s Time to Stop Beating Yourself Up Over Your Failures
Overthinking your screw-ups won’t make them go away.
So you tried and failed. You went out on a limb, gave it a chance, and in the end, it didn’t work out.
Now what?
It’s never fun to face your failures. It’s harder still to admit the role you may have played in it. Whether it’s in a relationship, a business, on a project, or a goal of any kind–failure hurts. That’s when the negative self-talk starts.
Be honest, if someone spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, you’d punch them in the mouth. So why do you beat yourself up over a failure?
Whoever you are, whatever you attempt, failure is always a possibility. What’s more, it’s an even higher probability when you try something new. I once heard a professional gamer say that every good gamer knows you have to play level one again and again and again to get to level two. Because there is no progress in life without failure.
That’s why the fear of failure is so detrimental.
You will fail in life, many times and at many different things. Sometimes you could avoid the failure, other times it’s beyond your control or you’re a victim of some misfortune.
But here’s a secret most people don’t know: failing doesn’t make you a failure.
When you attempt something new and fail, you’re learning what doesn’t work. Sometimes that lesson hurts more than others.
Life is hard enough without you adding to it. It’s time to stop beating yourself up over your failures, and start using them to propel you forward.
Whose voice are you listening to?
It would be nice if the only voice in your head was yours, wouldn’t it?
But for better or worse, we carry around the voices of people who influence us. Whenever a person, event, or comment triggers insecurity, those voices come through loud and clear.
The voice you hear might be a parent, or sibling, or a former teacher. It might be the voice of your friends or–and this is the scariest–the voice of culture. Sometimes the voice builds you up, but more often it tears you down and holds you back.
It will present itself as the voice of reason, but it’s really the voice of fear. Don’t believe me? Let me explain.
The other day I made a big mistake at work. It was big enough that I knew I would at least get corrective action of some kind, and the voice in my head kept telling me I was going to get fired. Thankfully, the issue was resolved the next morning. But as you can imagine, the evening and night before I had to fight the voice in my head telling me I’d be going into the holiday season jobless.
Even though I knew it was useless to beat myself up, and even if the worst happened and I’d gotten fired, I’d find something else. But the voice in my head tried to cajole me into believing my life was ending.
Have you ever had an experience like that?
Beating yourself up feels right
The voice in your head that beats you up over your failures very convincing. I’d even go so far as to say it feels justified. It doesn’t care that you know it’s a liar. It will berate you with accusations and try to make you believe things like:
- you aren’t good enough
- you should give up
- you should never have tried
- you were always going to fail
- you’ll never survive this
- you’re being irresponsible
- you’re a disappointment
It will do everything within its considerable power to sabotage you and keep you from trying again. Why? Because your brain’s job is to protect you from harm and keep you alive. It views failure as rejection and equates rejection with death.
When you fail, you’ll want to spend time wallowing in self-pity and beating yourself up for things you think you should have known to begin with. But you don’t learn how to walk by just deciding to get up and start walking one day. You stand and fall. Take a step, and fall. Take three steps, and fall again and you keep falling until you learn how to balance and move forward.
Most people are afraid to fail, but fear is a liar. Failure is your friend. Why do I say that? Let me explain.
Failure teaches you what success can’t
Failure prepares you for eventual success by giving you grit and keeping you grounded.
Think about it. When you’re getting to know someone, who would you rather talk to?
- The guy/girl who started a business and it took off. All they can talk about is how great everything is and how successful they are. They know exactly what you need to do to be successful and just like them.
- The guy/girl who tried and failed. They started and stopped, climbed, and fell. They have the scars to prove their failures, setbacks, and obstacles are real. They kept trying until they succeeded. They’ve learned a thing or two along the way and they’re willing to share their hard-won wisdom with you.
Everybody wants to be person #1, but nobody wants to be around that person. It’s the #2 guy or gal whose experience you long to soak up in hopes it will teach you something that will help you in your pursuit.
This is why beating yourself up over a failure is a waste of time. Really.
There’s nothing constructive about listening to the voice in your head that tries to shame you. There’s nothing to be gained from negotiating with the terrorist of fear.
When you fail, the best thing I’ve found is to look at it as feedback. Ask yourself what went wrong and why. Don’t worry, you’ll be able to see it pretty clearly. Any failure can be productive if you’re willing to set aside your ego and learn from it.
Don’t let the voice in your head control your life
It’s easy to read something like this and say: “I’m not going to let my failure defeat me.” But beware, the voice in your head is subtle and will take on any form it can to get to you. Only through practice can you learn how to minimize its effect.
The mark of a mature mindset is learning what to listen to and what to ignore. Let me assure you, beating yourself up never helps you move forward.
Don’t stay stuck because you’re afraid to try again. Don’t let the fear of failure keep you from living. Life is long, and there are many opportunities. If this one didn’t work out, the next one will.
Your past isn’t indicative of your future. Just because you failed at something before, doesn’t mean you will again in the future.
Mentally beating yourself up might feel justified, but it doesn’t help you. After all, nobody else is as harsh as you are on yourself.
Final Thoughts
When you fail, don’t beat yourself up. That’s easier said than done–believe me I know. But in the end, the energy you put into beating yourself up could be spent on far more productive things like learning from your mistakes and trying again. Beating yourself up is a waste of your life because overthinking something you did wrong won’t change it.