It’s Time For Some Healthy Boundaries

So you can stop getting boxed into things you don’t want to do.

At times, it feels like you’re your own worst enemy.

You take on a dizzying number of things in your life, then silently wonder why you can’t find any time in your week to take care of yourself.

It’s tiring and can be overwhelming.

But before you tell yourself a story of how everyone takes advantage of your kindness and your availability, take a look at what you’re doing that may be inviting exactly what you’re trying to avoid.

Saying yes when you should be saying no is likely the problem if you frequently feel like everyone is, as I like to say, “picking every last bit of flesh off your bones.”

I’ve been there too.

Boundaries are shaped by different circumstances in our lives, and may even change depending on what your life looks like at any given time. Things like heritage or culture, where you live, whether you’re introverted or extroverted, or even your family dynamic and experiences can all determine why or how you set boundaries.

Regardless of how the need for boundaries has evolved for you, making them very clear and saying no when you want to, gives you agency over your life and allows you to make decisions based on what is best for you, not just for the people around you.

Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.” -Doreen Virtue

Boundaries are a way to protect yourself. The better you are at creating boundaries around areas of your life, the less likely you are to feel imposed upon, resentful, or frustrated.

Healthy ones look like this: You clearly set limits for yourself or others so that you can thrive. They allow plenty of space to make decisions which allow for you to say no to things you don’t want to do and yes to the ones you do.

“I’d love to go to the movies, but 9 pm is a little too late for me. How about 7 pm?” Is a clear and healthy boundary.

Unhealthy (or loose/open) ones look like:

Honestly, they look like a lack of boundaries, or in other words, a lack of control in your life. This can lead to overwork, resentment, and even feeling belittled, making it more difficult to communicate what you need.

When you’re asked to stay late, even though you really were looking forward to going home and getting some rest tonight, and you answer, “Well, I guess I can if you really need me…”. That is an unhealthy, undefined boundary.

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.”— Henry Cloud

Understanding Boundaries

Thinking about setting clear boundaries, especially when you haven’t had a pattern of that in your life, may feel uncomfortable at first.

The people in your life may be a little surprised at first, and you may get a little push back, but in the long run, setting clear expectations for what you will or won’t do is good for relationships.

Here are some tips to remember about boundary setting.

#1- They are not the same for everyone

Just because you set certain boundaries for coworkers, doesn’t mean that is a boundary across the board. Each area of your life is unique and you can treat the rules as such.

#2- Your gut can help you define them

You may not always know right from the start how you feel about a situation. It may take some time to pinpoint what feels like a violation or intrusion to you. Trust your instincts to help identify when and why things impact you a certain way.

#3- “No” is a complete sentence

It’s tempting to want to go on and on when wanting to simply say “no”. This will take some practice, but remember that it’s a complete answer. If you want to expand or communicate the boundary you’ve set, that’s fine, you just don’t need to justify your answer.

#4- Take preemptive actions when possible

There are things you already know about your attitudes so it’s best to save yourself the aggravation of waiting for them to happen. If you’re triggered and feel resentful about after-hour emails and because you’re compelled to answer them, then set your responder to “away” until the actual start of your workday. This will eliminate the pressure and clear up any expectation that you’re available before your day starts.

#5- Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable

This is the time to let things out and be completely honest. If things bother you or make you feel resentful, best to tackle them head-on with the truth. If staying out late gives you anxiety and ruins your good night's sleep, then say that. Don’t make up a reason why you can’t, be clear and honest about your why.

Types of boundaries

There are several easily identifiable boundaries that you should put some thought into so you can effectively start to build or rebuild them.

• Physical- This refers to your personal space, your feelings about privacy, and your body. If you have feelings about public affection or even if you’re uncomfortable about hugs, you’ll need to make some boundaries here.
• Intimacy- These are boundaries around any sexual behavior, language, conversation, and exploration. Maybe you have unease around intimacy for you’re own reasons or limitations for what types of personally intimate conversations you like to have in public.
• Intellectual/Conversational- Having your ideas and opinions heard rather than dismissed may need some boundaries created. You may also have a certain type of conversation style that you‘re not comfortable around as well.
• Personal and Self-Care- You may have specific things that you need to operate at your best. If those are deal-breakers for your well-being, then you need to make sure they’re protected with boundaries.
• Emotional- Think about how comfortable you are expressing your feelings, sharing them, or talking about them with a friend or partner. Maybe you enjoy being very open, or maybe it takes you a little bit of time to warm up to the idea. Whichever way it is, define it for yourself and those around you.
• Time- You may want to set some limits on how much time you spend with someone or doing a specific activity. This can include setting an end and beginning time for your workday and sticking to that.
• Financial/Material- Are you a saver, a spender, or a little of both? Is it important for you to save all year for that one big expense or purchase, or does it make you feel better to have a mini-splurge each month to give yourself some self-care? Another aspect of financial boundaries could also be your willingness to loan money to others. That may be off-limits for you. Material boundaries cover how you feel about people using, borrowing, or being around your things.

Getting There

Once you’re clear on what they are and the different types, it’s time to layout an action plan to become a boundary-making master. In order to be very clear, here are the 4 steps to get going.

Define the goal

The first step in the process of setting boundaries is to identify what you want. You can get clear on this by asking yourself some questions.

• What is most important to you about your (time/relationship/money)?
• What are things that tend to make you feel smothered in your relationships?
• What are your personal core values when it comes to your work and personal life balance?
• What things tend to bother you around money, or what things matter the most to you about your financial security and goals?
• What types of physical behaviors make you uneasy in public?
• When it comes to intimacy, what do you need/not need in order to feel safe and loved? What things compromise that?

Communicate clearly

Setting boundaries is being clear about what you want, not about changing anyone else's behaviors or habits. You’re simply trying to communicate any goals you have around certain areas of your life, why they are that way, and why it’s important that you’ve chosen to set boundaries to protect them.

Consequences

The consequences for breaking the boundaries need to be crystal clear and enforced. This is harder but most important for those closest to you. It’s key to the success of your healthy boundaries that you let people know what crosses the line.

Once they’re clear, make sure you follow through with the consequence. Keep your compassion, but stay true to your limits.

Nothing is 100% perfect in life, and boundaries are no exception. The goal is to understand that strong, healthy ones are about respecting yourself and supporting the things that mean the most to you.

You have the same responsibility to those in your life as well. They will have boundaries for their life and it’s on you to be supportive and understanding of those.

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. -Brene Brown

Ultimately, no one can control another person's feelings about how boundaries are accepted, but as long as there is a mutual understanding that it is a healthy part of life for everyone, eventually, it will get easier.

Setting boundaries is like having a “no trespassing” sign on areas of your life that you don’t want to be violated. While it’s not always easy, it’s necessary for building your own self-worth and confidence.

And it will keep you from getting boxed into doing things you don’t like.

🎉 P.S. More musings on 🔥 🎧 The Badass Midlife Podcast 🎧 🔥

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