Howl

It’s Time for Men to Get Curious About Female Sexuality

Surprise! We’re perverted, horny creatures just like you…

“Well, I guess that’s just typical for us perverted, sex-obsessed men. You can blame us…or just accept that biology made us this way.”

Every now and then, a man will drop into my comment section angry and sarcastic, having usually misunderstood something I said about male sexuality, and will leave a gem like this. There are several implications in comments like these:

• All women find male sexuality objectionable, to some extent
• All women think men want sex all the time and that many of them are “perverts” (whatever that means)
• All men do want sex all the time
• Mother Nature made men to want sex all the time and therefore, they are entitled to have it (so women, stop whining and open your legs)

I’ll tell you a little secret. The only thing I find objectionable are these ridiculous, cultural stereotypes and biases. For one thing, I most certainly don’t equate a strong sexual appetite with “perversion.” Further, there are a whole lot of cultural beliefs and traditions that I feel contributed both to the idea of men as “perverts” and to the actual evolution of behaviors that might be considered perverted.

But mostly I find this objectionable because it further perpetuates the sexual mythology around women being pristine, asexual beings.

Guess what? There are plenty of women who think about and want sex a lot. There are a lot of women with pervy little fantasies hidden away in their pervy little brains.

And don’t you dare tell me Mother Nature made men this way while illogically making women adverse to sex. Evolutionarily speaking, that makes absolutely no sense! And if there’s one thing we know, it’s that Mother Nature is one strategic bitch. Which is to say: she made women as desperately horny as men.

Men, how often would you guess women think about sex? No, I’m not talking about your wife, your ex-wife, or the girlfriend you’re thinking of dumping. I mean, women, in general.

Okay, fair enough, there’s no real way to answer this question, or rather no real way to know the answer. Studies on sexuality have only recently made attempts to collect rigorous data about female sexuality, and even then, the results are not fully indicative of how women actually feel because female participants do not tend to honestly and fully share their feelings and experiences, due to cultural stigmas around female sexuality.

So we’ll have to rely on more anecdotal data.

How often would you guess I think about sex? Okay, that’s not a fair question, either, because I write a sex column (the one you’re reading right now) and I’ve been very open about my robust sexual appetite. But here’s the thing: if you knew me in person, you would never guess that about me. I guarantee you, at least 70% of my friends and acquaintances (even the ones who know about my column) would be shocked to know how often I think about sex.

How often? I can’t give you a number, but let’s just say: a lot. Nope, not because of the hormonal changes going on in my perimenopausal body that apparently cause a high sex drive for many women my age. I’ve always been this way.

I cannot count how many times I struggled to focus at work because I couldn’t stop thinking about sex. I can’t tell you how often I got so worked up sitting in my desk chair, fantasizing while working on a spreadsheet, that I wondered if anyone would catch me masturbating in the bathroom. (No, I never did it — but it seemed a completely reasonable thing to ponder at certain moments in my life…)

Family Christmas parties? My mind would wander and I’d imagine making out with a hot, buxom brunette. Doctors appointments? I wondered how much more pleasant they would be if someone slipped a dick into me instead of a speculum. Grocery store visits? Dear god, that cashier was so cute, I suddenly couldn’t stop imagining fucking him in the parking lot.

I might not settle into my thoughts, letting them monopolize my attention, but I can tell you with certainty, that my mind literally plays endless loops of thoughts about sex. Oh, and food. Sex and food.

And I am not unique in this. The women who dare to talk openly about their thoughts often share the same stories — a steady stream of fantasies reeling through their thoughts.

Why is this?

It’s because we’re human, which means we are animals and all of us animals are really preoccupied with our two favorite activities: eating and fucking.

And speaking of thinking about sex…what do women fantasize about? Have you asked your partner? And did you assume that what she shared was a fully honest and complete catalog?

Maybe you might think her ultimate fantasy is to have sex on a tropical island with her new fiancée, maybe (gasp) cowgirl style? And there you are, debating whether or not to share your orgy fantasy in which you shove your dick into the sea of hungry mouths attached to the writhing leather-clad females below you, each of them waiting patiently to satisfy you, while perhaps someone is spanking you with a riding crop. Oh, and maybe your mother happens to walk by and starts screaming in horror and that really turns you on.

Well, guess what? Your lady probably heavily edited her fantasy because — again — we women know how we’ll be judged by freely sharing our sexual proclivities, fantasies, and desires. In reality, your lady’s cute little beach fantasy probably included a cabana boy watching from behind a palm tree… And maybe she waved him over, mid-cowgirling. And maybe she asked him to fuck her while you watched. Or maybe she asked him to fuck you while she watched.

You think she’s gonna tell you this? Oftentimes, we’ll just shut up about it, because we don’t need the judgment or because we feel ashamed. When I confessed to my former partner that I had a stepfather sexual fantasy, he was shocked, and said he was deeply disturbed, feeling that my fantasy indicated moral corruption. (Never mind that his favorite fantasy involved twincest.)

And the funny thing is, I hadn’t even told him all the details. Like how in the fantasy, my pretend mother walks in and starts screaming (yeah, my earlier mention of that was totally me) and the absolute dirty, filthy, illicitness of the whole thing makes it even more of a turn-on. And that’s not even all of it.

Honestly, there is no way I would ever share the full depth of my perverted catalog of sexual fantasies with anyone, no matter how much I trusted them. As far as I’m concerned, the world as it is today, is not capable of safely holding a space for female sexuality and until it is, I’m gonna keep my perversions to myself, thank you very much.

What good does it do for these men to drop angrily (or even calmly) into conversations about sex and complain about men’s unfair sexual reputation while also confirming it? To perpetuate the stereotype that all women hate sex, but since men want it and “need it,” women need to just accept their male “perversions” and get to it?

This is all kinds of harmful, in my opinion.

For one thing, why keep telling this same story that turns men’s sexuality into something predatory? The so-called unquenchable appetite? The alleged inability to control one’s penis? The implication that a strong sexual desire is “perverted?”

Why wouldn’t they want to celebrate their sexuality and express that in a way that encourages others to celebrate it?

And why, dear gods, why do these men want so badly to edify the absolutely bogus idea that women don’t want sex??? We get it. We live in a world in which women are forced to constantly mute and sometimes completely unplug their sexuality and this has unfortunate consequences for heterosexual men. But guess who is suffering more in this equation?

Wouldn’t it be more productive for men like this to develop their sexual curiosity? In this instance, to be clear, I’m talking about sexual curiosity about women, about female sexuality and how it exists in a sexist culture.

How does one go about doing that? Read what women are writing about sex (there are a lot of us out there). Find women with whom you can have safe conversations about sex (without approaching the situation as a potential lay). Ask questions. Be aware of the cultural climate in which women are overwhelmingly discouraged from expressing their sexuality. Understand the challenges we face.

And then find ways to help us out of this mess. Find ways to be more sexually supportive of women (again, without that necessarily being about your sexual fulfillment). Find ways to create a world that is safe for women to express themselves sexually.

Unteach yourself that women are frigid, morally pristine creatures who are designed to shun sexual experiences with their rough, primitive (and “perverted”) counterparts. This is a role that women were given and we are all in various stages of deciding how we want to respond to that role.

In truth, we are rough and primitive (and perverted) just like men. In a freer world, you might find yourself complaining not about too little sex, but too much.

So stop perpetuating these ridiculous myths about male vs. female sexuality and help us build that world in which we can be as hungry and as perverted as men are.

Author’s note: If you look further into studies about how often men think about sex vs. women, please do not take those numbers at face value. Remember the gender biases inherent in sexual studies and the cultural stigmas about sexuality that do not allow women to feel safe in sharing their honest thoughts, desires, or feelings. These studies are not accurate and will never be accurate until our culture no longer vilifies female sexuality.

In fact, this is true of many cultural beliefs about male sexuality vs. female sexuality. Please remember to look at articles from sex therapists and other experts through that lens in an attempt to try to separate truth from cultural bias.

This article was written for Howl by Yael Wolfe, a weekly column here at Sexography. © Yael Wolfe 2021

More hunger from Howl by Yael Wolfe: