Summary

The author reflects on their challenging upbringing with a stepmother who was closed-minded and controlling, contrasting it with their own pursuit of personal growth and emotional intelligence through coaching and NLP, ultimately leading to a self-determined and fulfilling life.

Abstract

The article delves into the author's personal journey, beginning with their ambition to become the best version of themselves from a young age, which often clashed with their stepmother's rigid mindset. Despite the stepmother's profession as a learning disability nurse, which typically requires open-mindedness and inclusivity, she exhibited a stubborn and closed perspective, often justifying her inflexibility with the phrase "It's the way I'm made." This environment led to significant stress for the author, who felt controlled and struggled to maintain a healthy relationship. The author eventually chose to distance themselves from their stepmother, a decision that, while painful, allowed for personal freedom and growth. The narrative underscores the importance of emotional intelligence and self-awareness in overcoming adversity and highlights the author's current happiness and control over their life, despite the familial losses incurred.

Opinions

The author values emotional intelligence and self-awareness as key components of personal growth.
Coaching and neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) are seen as transformative tools for understanding oneself and others.
The stepmother's phrases "It's the way I'm made" and "It's my way or the highway" are criticized as excuses for avoiding personal growth and dismissing other viewpoints.
The author believes that feeling controlled by others can lead to significant stress and that taking control of one's life is crucial for well-being.
Despite the difficult decisions made, the author acknowledges that there are losses on both sides when family relationships break down.
The author emphasizes the importance of making tough decisions for one's independence and growth, suggesting that others in similar situations can find motivation in their story.

“It’s The Way I’m Made”

A phrase that has haunted me since childhood!

If you have read my articles you may have seen that I have studied coaching. To say it has been transformational would be an understatement. It gives you the platform for growth, self-awareness, and most significantly emotional intelligence. If you study coaching and embrace it then you will know what I mean. It truly fuels your growth mindset!

Furthermore, you are equipped with the tools you need to lead and help others to grow.

Emotional intelligence gives you the tools you need to be successful in many areas of life. Academics like Daniel Goleman argue that emotional intelligence (EQ) is more important than IQ. If you explore EQ further it isn’t difficult to understand their point of view.

In addition, you may look into neuro-linguistic programming (NLP). This is an area of coaching that highlights that we all have our own map. We all distort, delete, and generalise information differently. This is what makes our perspectives unique.

Ever since being a young child, I have always been ambitious. I have always wanted to be the best possible version of myself. Sometimes, this ambition far outstripped my ability. However, the ambition is something I am really proud of.

However, as a young child brought up in the 90s this mindset probably didn’t reflect my upbringing — at least not my step mum's mindset. You couldn’t establish networks in the same way in the 90s. It was more difficult to challenge false information in the 90s — you had to take things at face value much more!

My step mum was a registered nurse. I expected her to be open-minded. Particularly, as she was a learning disability nurse. I say particularly, because people with a learning disability are more vulnerable, can be excluded more, and have poorer health outcomes. You need to be open-minded, non-judgmental, and inclusive to advocate for the people you care for and treat.

However, I probably could not have been more wrong! She was very closed-minded and very stubborn in her ways of thinking. She was right and there was usually very little you could do to convince her otherwise. Her usual defense to this was “It is the way I’m made”.

I can’t lie. Hearing this phrase made my blood boil — and it was a common response. It was a complete shutdown! An excuse not to grow or listen to another person's viewpoint. A shield of ignorance that would protect her against arrows of open-mindedness. If she ever did something someone didn’t agree with she could sit comfortably knowing that it is “the way I am made”.

It was kind of a strange superpower. No one could touch her or hurt her. It served its purpose for her. However, I didn’t appreciate this at the time. I didn’t realise this protected her.

Another one of her common go-to’s was “It’s my way or the highway”. If you didn’t like her opinion then take it or leave it! This was another tactic deployed to completely shut down another person’s point of view. I didn’t have the emotional intelligence needed to stop this from causing me stress!

Again it was a shield or at least served a purpose. Maybe, it reduced confrontation. I can only guess as I will never know.

These phrases were used frequently. Sometimes I felt like a pressure cooker. I couldn’t cope it was just too much. I thought I was going to explode — like my body would combust because of the pressure.

On one occasion I barely ate for about a two-weeks. I don’t think anyone noticed but I could control this. Finally, I had some kind of control. It wasn’t positive or healthy but I could control it.

In the end, I took the highway I just couldn’t take my step mum's way. My step mum gave me two options so I went with the latter. Of the two options available it was the most favourable — albeit neither was desirable.

Living like this felt like shackles around my ankles. This way of living just wasn’t sustainable or healthy. It hurt but it represented freedom too! It is something I often think of. However, I feel the decision I made was the only one I could make for my well-being, for my independence, and growth.

It is sad because I have lost a lot of family. There are family members who I haven’t seen for over 10 years. There are funerals I have missed. However, I am not the only one who has missed things. They have missed grandchildren growing up and missed a wedding! Like any battle, there have been losses on both sides!

I can look back at this experience with a different perspective. I can appreciate and understand my step mums' opinions will differ even if I don’t agree with them.

I don’t really know what the point of this story is. I suppose one point is that feeling like you are being controlled by others can cause huge stress and if you want freedom there may be very difficult decisions to make. The direction this decision takes may vary.

Another point is I am really happy. I have control over my life. I am happily married with four children. Things can and do get better. However, claustrophobic or option-less you feel you have more control than you may think.

Finally, and most importantly I hope this resonates with others who need motivation to go in the direction they need.