It’s Still Not Fair

Summary

The author reflects on the emotional difficulty of celebrating the holidays without his brother-in-law Will, who passed away from cancer, and the complex feelings associated with Will's belongings, particularly his t-shirts.

Abstract

The article titled "It’s Still Not Fair" is a personal narrative about the author's struggle with grief during the holiday season. It was written the night before the author was to travel home to Indiana for Christmas. The author, a last-minute packer and shopper, is confronted with Will's t-shirt in the closet, a poignant reminder of his absence, especially during the holidays. Will, described as perhaps the greatest guy alive, passed away from cancer at the age of 33, and his loss is still deeply felt nine years later. The author decides not to pack Will's t-shirts, finding it too emotional, and instead opts for blank ones. Despite acknowledging life's inherent unfairness, the author finds it challenging to live with this particular unfairness. The blog ends with a message of gratitude for past shared times, cherished family and friends, and hope for future holidays. The author admits that the emotions tied to Will's t-shirts, and by extension, to Will himself, remain intense, with lingering questions and unfulfilled potentials. The article concludes with a soft promotion for an AI service, ZAI.chat, as a cost-effective alternative to ChatGPT Plus (GPT-4).

Opinions

The author expresses that the loss of his brother-in-law Will still feels profoundly unfair, especially during the holidays.
The sight of Will's t-shirt evokes strong emotions and a sense of grief that has not diminished over time.
While the author occasionally wears Will's t-shirts, packing them away for a trip feels different and more final, highlighting Will's absence.
There is a recognition that certain aspects of grief, such as the emotions tied to personal items of the deceased, may not lessen with time.
The author emphasizes the importance of cherishing the memories and time spent with loved ones, as well as looking forward to future shared experiences.
The author suggests that the pain of losing someone too soon lingers, accompanied by unanswerable questions and hypotheticals about what could have been.

Holiday short (shirt)

Photo courtesy of Author

It was the night before I was heading home to Indiana for Christmas.

I’m a last-minute packer… and shopper so I was scrambling to get everything done.

I was rummaging through my closet and hanging up in it as always was my brother-in-law Will’s t-shirt.

I see it there every time I go through my closet. But it means something different around the holidays. I got a lump in my throat. Some pain in my chest. And I simply said, “it still isn’t fair.”

For those who don’t know, my bro-in-law, maybe the greatest guy alive at the time, passed away from cancer at 33. Even though 9 years has passed, it still feels something a little extra when he’s not with us for the holidays.

It just doesn’t feel right. Or fair.

And so, while I pack my clothes to head home for Christmas, I pick out some blank t-shirts. It still brings out too many emotions to pick out his t-shirts. And sometimes, it’s easier to set those emotions aside for a time being.

I knew life was tough. I knew life was unfair. But living in that unfairness is something different.

And that’s the blog. But to not end on too much of a downer, there’s always much to be thankful for: the times that have been shared, the family and friends we still get to cherish holidays with, and the times we will share ahead. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!

Behind the Blog

There’s something about those T-shirts that still evoke emotion. I guess it’s not just the T-shirts, it’s the music, it’s everything about the person.

I’m not sure if I thought over time, I might feel a little less emotion about Will. But so far, it’s all the same. I guess you never really do get over losing someone, especially when that someone is taken away far too soon. There’s too many lingering questions, too many what ifs, too many what could have beens.

I still wear Will’s T-shirts at times. But it’s rare when I put it in a bag. I’m not sure why. It just feels different from putting it on for a day to putting it in a bag and traveling somewhere where he should be, but he’s not.

Photo courtesy of Author