Romance
It’s Risky, Risque, or Ridiculous but The Over 60’s Can Find Real Love Online
I know because I did
On February 14th, 2013, I worked late as some folks without dates on Valentine’s nights tend to do. As I attempted to drive away from the deserted car park, my key broke in the ignition. I emailed my online acquaintance to explain my situation as I would not be home for his first phone call.
He phoned me with helpful suggestions, and we delayed our call until I was safely home. A year later, I received a Valentine’s Day card addressed “to my wife.”
A Spiritual Advisor Planted the Seed
In the fall of 2012, a surveyor’s report dissuaded me from buying my dream home. An emotional relationship had ended earlier. When I had my regular session with my spiritual advisor, I admitted my sense of rootlessness. She suggested online dating and I promptly dismissed the idea.
I became bored waiting to resume house hunting in the warm months and recalled the advice of my advisor. After researching dating sites over Christmas, I chose Seniormeet and paid for a six-month subscription. Missing my male friends in Europe, I thought if I could find some platonic friends, it will be worth it.
How the Online Dating Site Worked
Seniormeet relayed email messages under a pseudonym until I was ready to make direct contact.
It matched my profile, preferences, and interests to others. The results were interesting but unappealing. Most were college graduates, middle-class, and reluctant to communicate through email. The profile offers any thinking person enough information for lively emails. After two or three exchanges, they wanted my phone number. Some became rude when I delayed.
One even asked: “Who do you think you are?” He was a single father, twelve years younger. He forgot that his child’s welfare required a cautious approach to relationships. His interest boosted my ego. I always wanted a daughter, but this seemed too risky for a child already abandoned by her mother.
One date lived forty-five minutes away. He seemed gentle and kind but was taciturn. I thought, maybe, he hated writing. When he requested my phone number, I emailed it. He called. I used my real name, and his first question was
“Which boat did you come on?”. I pretended not to hear, and he repeated the question.
I replied “Delta airline. We landed in Atlanta.”
He didn’t ask where I came from, or even how was the trip. He seemed disappointed that I was not a refugee. Alarm bells went off in my head. How could he have misread my profile? What filter did he use to conclude I was a refugee?
An unmatched contact
I had promised myself to reply to everyone. When I received a message from someone to whom I was not matched I responded. Seniormeet had sent him some photos of dozens of women and he chose my smile. I was flattered and returned his email.
We exchanged information about literature and history relating to our lives. He was a reenactor of the Revolutionary War so he fascinated me with facts about it. About two weeks after our contact he questioned the future of our relationship. He perceived differences in class and income. Without thinking, I replied that income does not denote character and upbraided him for inferring I was a snob. While I meant it, I was not thinking of him as a husband, so really did not care what he earned or did. By the time, I cared it was irrelevant!
Having enjoyed our emails, I was looking forward to our first conversation on Valentine's Day when I was stranded in the car park. Later that night, safely at home, we reviewed my experience. That started a daily practice of ending the day by sharing long chats.
Online dating has its detractors but we should not ignore its benefits.
- It enhances communication. In normal life, there are numerous distractions. When you talk without any, words matter. You can’t even read body language, or take cues from one’s dress or grooming.
- Initially, the person is not seen through the eyes of friends or family. For good or bad, you have to rely on your instinct.
- Painful discussions are not derailed because you can talk without the distraction of place or passion or other people.
- It is easier to set the agenda. We read books like the Five Languages of Love and shared Scripture reading.
- It helps to build trust. If you’re always talking, it is easier to contradict yourself if you are lying. However, if you remain consistent and considerate, you gain credibility.
Our unconventional dating gave us a solid foundation without the distraction of physical intimacy but I was looking forward to meeting in person to see if we connected.
A few weeks before we met, he sent me a notarised document containing promises. It was really a manifesto of what I can expect from him. It confirmed to me that he knew my real hopes and desires.
With a background of about eighty hours of conversation, we met the day before a formal party for my mother’s 90th birthday.
For our first date in person, we visited the Cahokia Mounds, and museum because I knew his interest in Native American history. We returned just in time for the party in the evening. He met dozens of people and did not show impatience with the speeches or the humor. As we left the party for his hotel, with my mom’s name in the lights flashing above us, I wondered if my life was about to change.
We were at ease with each other although he is not talkative. With little time left, I wanted to know if I would like to be kissed by him. While my brother waited in the foyer, we were completely alone. He was so appreciative of me giving him so much time despite my obligations that he warmed my heart.
When we said goodbye, I was ready to explore our relationship. He had left Seniormeet within a month of our contact but I remained for the entire six months. Decades of singleness taught me to expect the unexpected.
Nevertheless, my interest in the online site waned and I declined my lunch date with the kind, misguided man who thought I was a refugee.
Each courtship is unique. Ours was very different from Parisian dinners and long river walks that forged connections in my younger days. Now, I was delighted to receive the dehydrated morels, mangoes, and apples by post. Each week, he sent photos of floral arrangements he created from the flowers in his yard. When I wore the jewelry, he himself made, it reminded me that the voice at the end of the phone was real.
We were over six hundred miles apart but we both knew that only an emergency would prevent us from not keeping our telephone date. Should those circumstances, arise, we had the contact numbers of family and friends to call.
From connection to couplehood
By Labor Day, we were engaged. As the next Valentine’s Day in 2014 rolled along, we were married and had begun our “happy ever after” life. From being awakened with a cup of tea to falling asleep encircled by his arms, he ensured that I felt cherished. When I looked at him, I saw St. Valentine all year long and gave God thanks.
Realistically, we knew our relationship was never going to be as long as we wanted. We planned on ten years at least, fifteen years if we were very blessed. We didn’t get that but isn’t it better to love until you die?
I’m so thankful that I did not initially see him as a future partner. Then, I would have used the same standards I had for a husband when I was young and stopped emailing. Those boundaries protected me but now in old age, most were redundant.
Without thinking of life together, we talked and uncovered a mine of many shared interests, perspectives, and values that were important to a successful relationship.
Unfortunately, I can’t thank Seniormeet for helping us find each other. Hopefully, Silver Single and Our Time will help older folks find the happiness we enjoyed.
Takeaway
Spiritual advisors are helpful. Mine was a catholic layperson who enriched my life despite my regular worship in a different denomination.
Older people can find love online. Review your standards for a partner remembering you’re no longer young. Don’t confine yourself to computer matches. Be authentic. Be amenable. Be adventurous. You might find love, but you will have a laugh!
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