avatarBelinda Mallasasime

Summary

The article argues that it is acceptable to check a partner's phone to gain assurance and understand their true intentions, especially in the early stages of a relationship.

Abstract

The author, a trained psychologist, challenges the common advice against checking a partner's phone, suggesting that it is a reasonable action to take due to the inherent insecurity and uncertainty in relationships. The article outlines the four stages of a relationship—the Butterfly Stage, the Real Stage, the Compromise Stage, and the Exclusive Stage—to emphasize the importance of understanding a partner's true nature. It advocates for a cautious approach to trust, recommending that partners consider checking each other's phones, with permission, to ensure they are not entering a relationship with someone who may harm them emotionally or physically. The author stresses the need for emotional preparedness when checking a partner's phone and advises on how to approach the situation without jumping to conclusions.

Opinions

  • The author disagrees with the notion that checking a partner's phone is a sign of insecurity, arguing that everyone has insecurities and the need for assurance.
  • It is important to verify a partner's character, as people may not disclose their true intentions or harmful behaviors upfront.
  • Trust should be earned over time rather than given immediately, and checking a partner's phone can be a part of the process of building trust.
  • The author suggests that checking a partner's phone should be done early in the relationship, preferably without prior notice to the partner, to get an unfiltered view of their behavior.
  • The article emphasizes that finding imperfections or certain types of content (like pornography or messages to others) on a partner's phone should not be immediate deal-breakers, as they can be normal aspects of human behavior.
  • If a partner refuses to allow their phone to be checked, despite being asked respectfully and with an open mind, it could be a red flag indicating potential issues in the relationship.
  • The author acknowledges that some individuals may be adept at hiding sensitive information outside of their phones, and in such cases, additional vigilance may be necessary.

It's Okay To Check Your Partner’s Phone

There’s nothing wrong with needing some sort of assurance.

Photo by NordWood Themes on Unsplash

Over the years, a lot of people, especially ‘Relationship experts’ have advised against going through your partner’s. They claim it’s a sign of ‘insecurity’.

In this article, I’m going to share why I disagree with this popular opinion and why I believe it’s necessary to check your partner’s phone, at least once or twice.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Before I go further, I’d like to state that we are all insecure when you think about it. we don’t know the intent of other people’s hearts and we can’t tell for sure what the next person is capable of. So yes, we’re all insecure until we have reasons not to be.

I’m no relationship expert but as a trained psychologist, I can say with confidence that I’m quite knowledgeable when it comes to human behavior.

Before I get into why I say it’s okay for you to check your partner’s phone, I’d like us to consider the four main phases in every relationship.

Stage 1- The Butterfly Stage

This is the initial stage of the relationship. It is the time when the couple meets for the first time. Here they find each other breathtaking and perfect. Both partners tend to be at their best behavior. At this first stage, you are certain you’ve found your long-awaited ‘Soul Mate’. All you want to do is spend every single minute of every single day together, wrapped up in each other's arms.

Stage 2- The Real Stage

I call this stage the ‘I didn’t know you were like this’ phase. At this stage, the Butterflies begin to disappear one after the other. It is the stage where you and your partner get comfortable enough with each other. You no longer see your partner as a perfect human. Because now they’re comfortable enough to be their imperfect selves around you. This second stage is also the stage where the couples get into their first argument.

Stage 3- The Compromise Stage

At this stage, both partners decide to make the relationship work. They do this by making compromises that benefit the relationship. Here you and your partner have survived the Real stage. You two have finally seen your real selves. Unlike the Butterflies Stage.

Stage 4- The Exclusive Stage

At this stage, the couple is finally in the place where they can accept their flaws and chose to leave together. Here the couples have survived all the other stages of the relationship and have decided to be exclusive. This is the point where the couple either move in together or get married.

Where am I going to with all these talks of the different stages of a relationship? What does it have to do with checking your partner’s phone? I’d explain that in a minute.

When you meet a person for the first time, you don’t know much about them, you only know what they tell you. They tell you things like, “I love reading, I love swimming, taking long walks on the beach and I love to volunteer”. These are all nice things and there are nice people like these out there but also, there are horrible people. People who look harmless but are dangerous.

No one would meet you for the first time and say; “I’m a serial killer”. Neither would they say; “I find joy in serial dating and breaking hearts”. So how do you know a person for real?

When I meet people for the first time, I decide to tell them unpleasant things about me. Things that implies I’m an imperfect human. I wouldn’t want anyone to have unrealistic expectations of me. I tell them things like, ‘I get jealous whenever my boyfriend gets too close to some other girl’. Selfish I know, but its the truth.

If there’s anything I dislike the most, it’s wasting my emotions on the wrong person. I’d rather you know my ‘not so good’ qualities from the get-go and then if you chose to stay, you find out I’m not so bad after all.

But this article isn’t about me, so let’s get to the point.

I mentioned at the beginning of this article that; We are all insecure. Every human is insecure when it comes to the true intentions of others. For this reason, you can’t tell if the person you are in love with feels the same way for you. Some people get into relationships with harmful intentions. Intentions of deceiving the other person into trusting them. Only to turn around and hurt them.

Now, how else do you know who a person is except through their phone? There’s a lot you can tell about a person by the content of their phone.

When to Check Your Partner’s Phone

First of all, if you are in a relationship with someone who you aren’t sure of, it’s okay to check their phone. Especially at the first stage of the relationship. I know it sounds crazy and pathetic to some people but, your safety and sanity are worth it. As much as most people seem perfect in a new relationship, there are always some hidden quirks.

Now that quirk might be little and poses no threat to you, still, you’d have to see for your self. This is why you might have to do some investigations. Regardless of how infatuated you are, a proper investigation is necessary. You need to be sure you aren’t about to get into something serious with some serial killer or player.

Like I said earlier, you owe it to yourself to protect your heart as well as your life. You don’t owe a stranger your trust, so that initial time, when they ask you to trust them, it’s okay not to.

You should give your trust to someone who you know, not someone you arent sure of. I urge you to check your partner’s phone if you have questions or doubts.

Note: You are to do this when you two are getting to know yourselves. It’s better to do so with their permission but do it impromptu. That way, they wouldn’t have the chance to do any cleanups. You’d be able to have some clue on the kind of person they are.

What To Expect When Checking Your Partners Phone

If you must check your partner’s phone, you must be emotionally prepared for whatever. You’d have to be more open-minded. Be careful not to jump into unnecessary conclusions. There are things that you would probably find in there that may not be pleasant. But remember your new partner is Human, not some ‘Perfect Being’.

While going through their phones, You‘d’ probably find Pornographic materials in there. You should know that that’s something that some people have on their phones. That’s shouldn’t be a reason to end your relationship unless you find stuff that doesn’t appeal to you.

Another thing you might find on your partner’s phone is text messages to other people. Messages that may arouse jealousy in you. You can’t blame them. People don’t go into relationships with Long term plans. These things just happen over time. You shouldn’t expect a new partner to immediately seize all communications with other love interests, at the beginning of your relationship. That’s unrealistic. You both grow into that Exclusive Phase over time.

How to Go About It

If you are at a point in your relationship where you feel the need to get some sort of assurance, there’s nothing wrong with demanding one. Here are some things you can do:

  • Ask for permission before checking your partner’s phone,
  • You have to be open-minded and emotionally ready for whatever.
  • It should be impromptu.
  • If they resist or act funny, express/assure them that you’re keeping an open mind
  • Explain to them that you just want to look out for yourself.

Trust me, if they still refuse to show it to you at this point, that’s something to be concerned about.

I think you should do some investigations. You’ve got to look out for yourself because it’s better to alone than be with the wrong person.

P. S. Some people go the extra mile to keep their phones free from any incriminating or sensitive stuff. These are the ones who are smart enough to keep their skeletons hidden from their phones. Well, if that’s the case with you, best of luck. I can’t help you there. You’d have to decide your next move yourself.

Thanks for reading. You are the reason I write.

Relationships
Dating
Love
Insecurity
Relationship Advice
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