It’s Okay to Be Human

You don’t always need to fix yourself immediately. Sometimes you need to feel the pain.

Do you ever have those days when it feels like your world is falling apart?

Of course you do. You’re only human.

You don’t need to feel embarrassed because you feel overwhelmed, overcome, or overpowered.

This is a simple story of a day I fell apart, what I learned from the experience, and how my inner caretaker emerged as a new aspect of my psyche.

Inner children go nuts sometimes

I had a very challenging week recently.

I discovered termite droppings in one of my top kitchen cabinets.

Then, my neighbor who maintains my yard was about to quit. I worked that out with a raise. But I felt shaken. My abandonment issues had been triggered in a primal way.

Next, my friend pointed out the catchment tank overflow pipe had stopped working—highly noticeable on this sporadically rainy day because the tank was full.

Rain water spilled continuously over one side of the tank. That’s not good. Too much spilling erodes soil from beneath one side of the tank, causing the structure to lean in one direction.

I jury-rigged a tarp set-up, draping it over an outdoor table to divert most of the water away from the tank. Rain drenched me in the process, twice.

Although I had the wherewithal to address the practical problem, emotions were pouncing on me left and right.

It felt like my world was falling apart — termites eating my house, the catchment tank compromised, and the threat of a departing gardener.

This pile up of challenging events, which occurred within minutes of each other overwhelmed me emotionally

I’ve consciously practiced personal awareness for a decade. I know countless ways to reduce stress, regulate emotions, and return the mind to the present moment.

But suddenly, my wise adult was no where to be found, while my scared and hurt inner child went nuts.

Wounds show up for a reason

The thought my reliable gardener might leave triggered my abandonment issues. The thought of handling all three issues seemed too big for little me.

I can’t explain why. In adult mode, I would resist a bit and then just find another gardener—as challenging as it can be to find dependable people on the Big Island.

But this configuration of events exposed a deep wound.

My inner child felt the need to cry and moan and groan and did so off and on for the rest of the day. As soon as I would start to feel okay for a few moments, the overwhelm and tears would hit me hard once again.

Distractions like Netflix did not help a bit. So I retired early, blanket pulled up to my chin as a way of finding some degree of comfort.

“There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” ―Leonard Cohen

Sometimes pain just wants to be heard

The next morning, I asked myself, “Did that help? You ended up with a stuffy nose, headache, and feel yucky today. Were any emotions processed?”

It wasn’t clear in that moment. In any case, I couldn’t stop the downhill slide that day. I won’t judge myself no matter how many zillions of self-help and self-care techniques I know by heart.

Sometimes the pain just wants to be heard. Sometimes we use self-help techniques to avoid the pain. Through my years of therapy, I’ve learned that we have to be willing to feel it to heal it.

I don’t mean through emotional catharsis, which I believe can re-trigger trauma.

But rather through feeling your emotions in a healthy and contained way—not tipping yourself over into trauma. Contained means feeling held and protected, something you can do for yourself as an adult.

“The only way out is through.”—Robert Frost

Don’t forget to grab the lessons

It was a new day. The pain had dissolved. I grabbed my journal and made a list of messages and lessons from the combined experiences.

1. I need to explore what’s at the root of my tendency to get caught in emotional overwhelm and feel, “I can’t handle all this.” Or, “It’s too much for me.” I’m actually pretty good at making things happen when I give them my attention.
2. I need to pay more attention to the physical world so I catch problems like the broken overflow pipe earlier.
3. I need to continue writing because I need the extra money to support my basic living costs and the expense of things breaking down.
4. I need to forgive myself for my mistake—not catching the problem with the overflow pipe earlier. I think I do have an ADHD-like brain and all this practical stuff is triple-hard for me. I’ll have compassion for myself.
5. I need to get my finances together so I can see where I’m at financially.

Whatever emotional upheaval occurs, I know I can learn from it and grow.

“And I believe that there’s a lesson in almost everything that you do and every experience, and getting the lesson is how you move forward.” — Oprah Winfrey

Positive change can happen when we least expect it

Busyness pervaded the following week, but the emotional tone of those seven days was completely different.

Two medical appointments required hour-long round trips on two different days. A termite spot treatment took three hours on another day.

I gave myself time to relax before and after each of those appointments so I wouldn’t spin into overwhelm.

I encouraged myself too. I praised myself for jobs well done and making things happen.

As the week came to a close, I had a telling dream.

In the dream, an attractive man helped me look for a new apartment. He gave me a fabulous shoulder rub too. All the time, he exuded kindness, warmth, and caring.

When I woke up, I’d been the one taking good care of myself that week.

The kind man in my dream represented my own inner caretaker, who I consciously met for the first time. I had expressed agency in my dream and in real life that week by treating myself in kind ways that reduced my suffering.

A different set of news challenged my inner hurt girl that week too. As the emotions began to spontaneously rise in response to the news, another part of me thought, “Maybe I could just drop these emotions, this conditioned response.”

It strangely seemed it might be possible. The emotions won, but they didn’t overwhelm me. They moved through me relatively fast.

“You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better.”—Maya Angelou

A few closing thoughts

It’s okay to be human. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed—or any other emotion that comes your way. You don’t have to immediately fix and make it better. Sometimes, you need to face and feel the pain.

Overwhelm is one of the conditioned responses I likely adopted as a survival strategy when I was a young girl. It probably helped me in some way then.

But now my hurt parts keep me in a loop of self-made suffering as an adult when it’s no longer necessary or helpful.

It’s not easy to change conditioned responses you’ve held for a lifetime. I see the key for me (at least one of them) is to strengthen my inner caretaker so the hurt parts can relax and be healed.

Chances are, I’ll fall apart again when big events conspire to overwhelm me all at once. But I think I’ll fall apart a little less and then a little less.

Whatever struggles you’re up against, I wish the same for you.

Note: I’m not a psychotherapist. If your emotions constantly overwhelm you or keep you stuck in depression, consider speaking with your doctor or a therapist.

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