Summary

The article suggests that instilling a manageable level of fear in children through creative storytelling can be an effective disciplinary tool that teaches important life lessons and helps them cope with real-world darkness and strong emotions.

Abstract

The author of the article, "It’s OK To Scare Your Kids," advocates for the use of fear as a parenting strategy, emphasizing its effectiveness in getting children to listen without resorting to physical punishment, yelling, or shaming. The technique is illustrated through personal anecdotes, such as using the fear of a Buddha statue named Groove to encourage obedience in the author's daughter. The article highlights the importance of setting boundaries and the potential for children to develop a fascination with the objects of their fear. It also acknowledges the occasional failure of this approach and the need for creativity in its application. Drawing on cultural practices like those of an unnamed tribe that uses storytelling to teach children control over their anger, and citing experts like Neil Gaiman and Nobel laureate Wislawa Szymborska, the article argues that exposure to controlled fear through stories can lead to better emotional management and intelligence in children.

Opinions

The author believes that fear can be a useful tool in parenting, providing immediate compliance and long-term emotional benefits.
There is an opinion that traditional disciplinary methods like hitting, yelling, or shaming are not necessary and that fear can be a more humane alternative.
The author suggests that children may have an innate need to experience powerful emotions, such as fear, and that this can be harnessed for their development.
The article posits that storytelling, particularly of a scary nature, is an effective way to teach children about the realities of the world and how to handle their emotions.
It is implied that the use of fear in parenting, when done correctly, does not harm children but rather helps them become well-adjusted and resilient individuals.

It’s OK To Scare Your Kids

Photo by Pixabay — edited to add text by author (amamar85)

I don’t hit my kids. I don’t yell at my kids (usually). I don’t shame my kids.

I know what you’re wondering — then how the hell do you get them to listen?

Well, from time to time, I scare the crap out of them.

It started when my oldest daughter was about two years old. We had a Buddha statue that was prominently displayed in our dining room. My daughter (for some reason) named him Groove. And she was scared of it.

I was asking her to do something and she was refusing in a typical two-year-old way, but she paused and looked at the statue — “will Groove get me if I don’t?”

I jumped on that opportunity like the fly on Pence’s head.

“Absolutely,” I said nodding my head without hesitation. “Groove doesn’t like it if you don’t listen to Mommy.” She let out a little yell and immediately obeyed my request, and I sat there triumphantly having unlocked a new secret parenting ability. Fear.

Over time, my daughter grew to cherish that statue. (Kids like boundaries?) She puts hats on him, says good morning and good night to him, and will occasionally play with him like he is a barbie doll. This is also the same kid that likes to play paddy cake with a terrifying animatronic zombie we have as a Halloween decoration. The eye that’s popped out of the socket and slowly sliding down his cheek makes him a very interesting playmate.

I too evolved, finding creative ways to scare her into listening to me. Don’t open the cabinet under the sink — a monster lives there!

It’s for her own good. The cabinet under the sink has chemicals in it and that child (clearly some descendant of MacGuyver or Houdini) can open any child lock you throw her way. Sometimes better than I can.

Sometimes my tactic backfires. One particular night (and don’t judge me for what I’m about to say next), I was getting particularly desperate because she hadn’t slept more than 2 hours a night in almost a week. I told her (and I’m not proud of this) that if she didn’t try to go to sleep a monster would come and take her teeth. I WAS DESPERATE.

She smiled at me coyly — “let me see this monster”

“He’s invisible”

“Then tell him to come and snuggle me so I can fall asleep better,” clearly mocking me.

Sometimes she calls me on my bull.

I’m not the first parent to use this tactic, and I won’t be the last. In fact, there is a whole tribe that uses storytelling to teach kids powerful and important lessons. A particularly notable thing about this group is that the adults and children have a remarkable ability to control their anger.

Kids are not yelled at, shouted at, or even thrown in time out — the stories teach them what they need to learn. (For example, if you go outside without your hat, the northern lights will cut off your head and use it as a soccer ball).

There’s more evidence that scaring kids actually has long term benefits. Neil Gaiman said, “If you are protected from dark things then you have no protection of, knowledge of, or understanding of dark things when they show up.” And we all know this world can be a dark place sometimes.

The Nobel laureate Wislawa Szymborska makes a great case for gift of being frightened in the piece “The Importance of Being Scared.” He posits that children have a “inborn need to experience powerful emotions.” There is even some evidence to suggest that listening to scary fairy tales can lead to more intelligent kids down the road.

So go ahead and tell your kids that Baba Yaga is coming in her cauldron when they don’t listen, or the monster under the sink will grab them if they open the cabinet, or that a bad guy can get them if they wander off in public.

You will get the immediate benefit of them listening, and the long term benefit of well-adjusted kids who are better able to handle the darkness of the world and who are more equipped to handle their strong emotions like fear and anger.