It’s Not Your Shame

Bring a shame out of hiding, exhale relief

I was watching TV one evening and saw a woman in a turban and African dress saying. “If I am raped, it is not my shame.” That was like eating a tuna sandwich, my favorite childhood food, but on an emotional and psychological level. It was like she was issuing a freedom from shame statement to me, a sexual assault survivor. I looked up her name: Leymah Gbowee.

I learned that she is a peace activist from Liberia. She won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2011. She went on to say how a few women in her town would go to a perpetrator’s home and confront him! Inspired by her, I created this exercise and tried it on myself. Very freeing.

It’s Not Your Shame — Freedom from Shame Statements

When one applies to you, stop and take it in. You may find yourself, in that case, inhaling more deeply and sighing. You may want to circle or highlight it in case you want to come back and repeat it.

Repeat After Me:

If you were not respected, it’s not your shame.

If people did or do not love you the way you deserve, it’s not your shame.

If you were criticized unkindly, it’s not your shame.

If you were blamed for something unjustly, it’s not your shame.

If your way of speaking was criticized, it’s not your shame.

If you were not appreciated for something big you did for others, it is not your shame.

If someone said something shocking and unkind to you, it’s not your shame.

If you were silenced, it’s not your shame.

If you were isolated, it’s not your shame.

If someone showed cruelty to you, it’s not your shame.

If you were called an unkind or cruel name, it’s not your shame.

If you were called names, it’s not your shame.

If you were labeled unkindly, it’s not your shame.

If you were different from your parents or family, it’s not your shame.

If you were humiliated in front of others, it’s not your shame.

If you were treated with cruelty or sadism, it’s not your shame.

If someone unleashed rage on you and called you names, said demeaning things, it’s not your shame.

If you were fired from a job unjustly, it’s not your shame.

If you were harassed, it’s not your shame.

If someone hits or beats you, it’s not your shame.

If you were molested, it’s not your shame.

If you were raped, it’s not your shame.

If you were sexually assaulted, it’s not your shame.

If you were choked, it’s not your shame.

If you were tortured, it is not your shame.

If you endured female genital cutting, it’s not your shame.

If you endured virginity testing, it’s not your shame.

If you feel cranky, tired, and/or depleted during COVID, it’s not your shame.

Feel free to add freedom from shame statements of your own.

If you were ____________________, it’s not your shame.

If you were ____________________, it’s not your shame.

If you were ________________________________________________________, it’s not your shame.

If you were ________________________________________________________, it’s not your shame.

Some shame and guilt melting things to say:

You have permission to manifest your juicy, joyful, soulful gifts.

You have permission to be loving, open, original, yourself.

You have permission to trust the trustworthy again.

You have permission to live, to be, to thrive.

You deserve justice and tenderness.

You are a joy magnet.

Believe in joy.

You __________________ are not your mother.

You __________________ are not your mother, your father or your siblings.

You are a radiant being with your own gifts to express.

Any permissions you want to add?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ .

• Any of the messages above honoring your worth can be said in the mirror to take them in and integrate them at deeper levels.
• Healthy guilt, that can result in shame, for behaviors you regret is different than unhealthy shame or chronic shame for perceiving yourself as being bad. The following poem sweetens the after-taste of guilt. Remember we are all learning, and guilt can signal us to take the next tiny step towards growth and developing a strong quality/virtue.

“Last night, as I was sleeping, I dreamt — marvelous error — !

That I had a beehive here inside my heart

And the golden bees were making white combs

And sweet honey from my old failures.”

Antonio Machado translated by Robert Bly

This piece by Claudia S. Gold, ACSW, MPH copyright 2020 is from a forthcoming book with the working title It’s Not Your Shame. You can email [email protected] for a free “It’s Not Your Shame” exercise. Though Claudia has served as a clinical social worker in mental health programs and hospitals in Los Angeles, she writes about personal experience lightening shame since embarking on an unexpected “Shame Into Joy” pilgrimage.