It’s Not You, It’s Your Ego That Is Destroying Your Relationships
How your beliefs, opinions, and past experiences shape your future interactions
If you don’t get your ego off of auto-pilot it will damage your life.
There was a time when I was very much “stuck in my head”. More so than I am now. I didn’t have this perspective on spirituality and mindfulness to help me through my life.
I remember when I met my girlfriend (now ex-fiancé). All I wanted was sex and companionship.
Was it really “me” who wanted to be with her?
Or was it my ego that was craving something it lacked?
When you are constantly chasing cravings and desires, that is a sure sign you are under the dominion of an ego that lacks security.
I needed love and sex from someone because I didn’t know how to give myself love.
Anything that may have delayed or ruined plans with her would get me so angry. That anger was directed at her. Can anyone honestly say that sudden outbursts of frustration are who we truly are?
When my persona got triggered, she felt hurt. Every time I acted out in ways that I felt ashamed of, she loved me a little bit less every time. It’s like water slowly eating away at a stone.
In these moments, something other than who I was took control.
My ego kept taking. It always needed something in return for what I gave to her (love, time together, food, etc…)
Anything that we may lack and feel we “need” is something that we aren’t giving to ourselves.
Yet, the ego is the “character” we identify as.
We can make up whatever identity for ourselves that we want, but the problem is that the ego is a collection of thoughts, beliefs, and experiences that have formed the basis for who we see ourselves as.
It’s not as simple as just pretending to be someone new, because it will go against everything that you stand for.
There will be resistance, and it will not be easy to simply change.
To note: excusing your behavior with well it’s just my ego, it’s not my fault is not justification for misdeeds.
However, underneath most of our behavior is an individual trying to get their needs met in whatever way it sees most appropriate.
Faulty or toxic beliefs built upon trauma are quite disastrous.
It’s why people from toxic upbringings may face more challenges in life because they’re dealing with a set of ideals and habits that limit their potential as people.
For me, my limitation is my ability to feel secure. I can be quite anxious in relationships, and it can be hard to trust. Mine and your partner(s) have a set of limiting beliefs too. Their ego is probably running the show too, and perhaps even more than us sometimes.
You’re not the trauma or the pain.
As a human being, you are an element of the universe experiencing itself.
When you strip away all of the memories, beliefs, and limitations, all you are left with is what you observe in reality.
Let go of the trauma, because it’s poisoning the tool — the ego, which helps us interact with reality.
If you truly love your partner, it’s time to get your act together and start looking back at your life. Zoom out and see how ridiculous you may have been behaving for the last few years and do something about it.
Put a boundary on the voice in your head that is always whispering negativity. Tell it: stop, that’s enough!
When I was with my ex, my ego was constantly judging and criticizing her.
It was using her as a proxy to judge me. Since we were a couple, it could use her against me. An ego filled with trauma doesn’t want you to love someone.
When you give love, pain temporarily loses its hold on you. The negative side of the ego can’t survive for long when it’s being challenged with love.
Letting go of the past to heal your identity
Audit when you get triggered — emotional reactions that exceed the severity of the situation.
The answer won’t come up immediately but try to ponder it. This has worked for me:
- When I was too angry with her
- Crucial conversations in which I failed to adequately express my feelings
- Recent situations with new partners in which I would get anxious
There’s always the situation at the moment and a first-time experience where it stems from.
Sink into how you feel and let go of it. It will be fine.
You will thank me for this because it might save your relationship.
There will be more love.
You won’t feel such a fear to speak up and set boundaries, because your ego won’t be needing someone else to fulfill its needs. If they leave the loss is lessened.
The other option is to continue to let your ego run your life. This won’t do well for you, but you can allow yourself to continue to get triggered. I’ve fallen into this trap, and I’ve had to experience pain and rejection multiple times for it to make sense.
My ego was bruised and battered from losing my ex. It was deathly afraid to lose a new partner when she said she was moving away at the end of the year.
What do you think happened?
I was afraid of a repeat situation. I was so desperate for love that I acted clingy and needy, and it pushed her away.
Therefore, you have a duty to yourself to make sure that your mind doesn’t dominate your life. If you don’t get it under control, that energy will direct you in whichever way it sees fit, and you don’t want that.
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