It’s Not You. It’s Not Me. It’s Your Conniving Dog.

Sometimes the third wheel has a tail

“I think I got all my stuff. How have you been?”

“Yes, it is too bad. It’s partly my fault. I should have known this was too good to be true. The first time you invited me to your place, I met Angel and I thought I could try to be dog person.”

“I don’t want to get into a whole rehash but remember when I told you that he runs up and sticks his wet snout in my crotch at every opportunity? You laughed and said ‘That’s one of my favorite spots too!’ I looked past you to see Angel grinning up at me, daring me to say more. I didn’t even know dogs COULD grin.”

“Yes, he is very expressive. But then he started following me to the bathroom. I had to plan carefully because he can turn himself into a statue I can’t push. My large brain and opposable thumbs were no match for him.”

“You’re right. We’ve been through all this. But that dog was determined to become acquainted with my lady parts! When he pulled my dirty panties out and ran around with them on his head, you found it hilarious.”

“Playfulness is one thing. Remember that Saturday morning you made blueberry pancakes? I got up to pour coffee and returned to an empty plate. You insisted I’d eaten them, even though your fur baby sat there licking his black lips, smirking at me. I’d never seen a dog smirk.”

“When my shoes smelled unmistakably like urine, you said I was imagining things. You scratched behind his ears while he gave me a look that said, ‘I will always win.’ And then he winked. Who knew dogs can wink?!”

“A couple of days before I called it quits, you went out to get the mail. Angel cornered me and growled until you stepped through the door. Then he deftly put his head under my hand and gazed up at me adoringly. You commended me on finally being friendly.”

“And now, here we are. I’m saying goodbye and marveling that a dog can look so smug. He even gave me his muddy paw to shake before I left.”

“Yes, actually, I am dating again. I’m meeting someone this afternoon for coffee.”

“No dogs, thankfully, but he has seven cats that I’ve been assured are all sweet and well-behaved.”

“Thanks. You too. Take care. . . HEY! Why are my shoes wet?!”