It’s not all about him.

I’ve used this platform to write about, and recover from, my husband’s affair. It’s been over 12 months, and of all the therapy, self-care and reflection I’ve practiced since That Day, writing these pieces has been one of the most valuable and therapeutic.

I’m ever grateful to those who have read, commented and shared my words. I had the interesting experience of being thrust in to the spotlight a little when The Angry Therapist linked to my first piece, A Letter to the Other Woman, on his social media accounts. There were more comments on my personal situation than I was expecting at that point in time but, again, I was really grateful for the opportunity to be heard in that way (and for the most part people were kind and gentle with me).

Something that has come up time and time again since I’ve been writing about the affair is this — ‘What about your husband?’ As in, he’s the piece of shit here, why are you focussing on her, or yourself? It’s him.

Well, for a start, my husband may have had the affair but this is my recovery journey. So I focus on whatever I need to focus on at that particular time in order to work through it. I will not let the fact that he made a series of very shitty decisions rule how I should deal with it.

Also, as much as you think the answer is simple when your husband has an affair (i.e. he’s an asshole, leave immediately, never look back), I don’t think you can ever understand the complexity of the situation unless you have the misfortune of experiencing it yourself. It is far from simple. It is emotionally, physically and spiritually more complex and draining than you can ever imagine. Sure, the end result may be that you leave. But the process to get there is not easy. Ever.

Now, a note about her. Why, at times, do I choose to focus on the woman who got the bulk of my husband’s emotional energy for the better part of two years?

I’ll tell you why.

Because I was, and remain to be, really fucking angry with her.

I am allowed to angry with the woman who intentionally started and maintained an affair with my husband. I am allowed to hold her responsible for her role in continuing the affair through my pregnancy and after our daughter was born. I am allowed to be angry with her for being such a coward after I found out, doing everything she could to prevent me from contacting her, and then, before I’d even had a chance to draw breath from the sickening blow of it all, asking my husband if he could finally now leave me and our newborn baby to be with her. I am allowed to be angry with her on a woman to woman basis, because as a gender I feel like we really need to stop being such assholes to one another.

I am allowed to be angry about all of that, and I will not apologise for holding her responsible for the affair. She is not solely responsible, but she is responsible. And just because I am angry with her does not mean I have absolved my husband of any wrongdoing. Far from it. Just ask him. But I will not step away from what is a very valid, real and raw feeling of pain and hurt towards her. I know one day I will need to forgive her, but I’m not there yet. And that’s okay.

So, you see, there are a bunch of reasons why my writing has not been focussed solely on what a piece of shit my husband is. But the main one is because my process hasn’t been focussed solely on that. It is my process, my journey and not something anyone else can influence.

One of the most crushing things an affair does while it’s in play is take away your ability to choose, without your knowledge. You lose the choice to be in a monogamous relationship. You lose the choice to be part of a marriage that, although it has had its challenges, stands strong in the vows you both took on your wedding day. You lose the choice to keep intimate emotional and physical connection between just the two of you. The realisation that these choices had been taken away from me wounded the deepest recess of my soul. It still does.

But, as I come to terms with this loss of choice in my life, I am going to great lengths to identify and harness the decisions I still have available to me. Including how I choose to recover.

So, I write.

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Thank you so much to anyone who has read any of my pieces so far. This has been a huge part of my therapy and I am so grateful to have a way to share my journey in a way that keeps me sane and safe.

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