Summary

The article discusses the importance of self-compassion in managing the inner critic, emphasizing the separation of one's true self from the wounded inner child that perpetuates harsh self-judgments.

Abstract

The author reflects on their journey of self-discovery and the struggle with an inner critic that echoes past criticisms. They introduce the concept of an inner child, a psychological construct representing the part of the self that holds onto childhood wounds and manifests as a harsh internal voice. By naming and acknowledging this aspect of themselves, the author has learned to detach from the inner child's criticism and practice self-compassion. This involves recognizing the difference between constructive feedback and needless self-deprecation, and choosing to engage with the factual aspects of criticism while disregarding the emotional baggage. The article advocates for a compassionate approach to self-improvement, suggesting that one can acknowledge room for growth without succumbing to shame or guilt. It also touches on the subtler forms of self-criticism that can limit personal growth by discouraging the pursuit of new challenges. Ultimately, the author encourages readers to recognize their inner critic as a separate entity, forgive it, and focus on pragmatic self-improvement without harshness.

Opinions

The author believes that the inner critic is a manifestation of an "inner child" that has internalized past criticisms and trauma.
Naming the inner child (e.g., "Erin") helps in recognizing it as a separate entity from one's true self, facilitating a compassionate detachment.
Self-compassion is presented as a healthier alternative to self-criticism for personal growth, free from shame and guilt.
The article suggests that the inner critic can subtly hinder personal development by discouraging the exploration of new activities if immediate proficiency isn't achieved.
The author emphasizes that self-improvement should be a compassionate process, acknowledging that one can be "enough" while still striving to improve.
The author encourages a pragmatic approach to self-criticism, focusing on the factual aspects of feedback and dismissing the emotional overtones.
The author posits that recognizing and forgiving the inner child is an instant choice rather than a gradual learning process, leading to increased emotional resilience.

It’s Mad How We Criticise Ourselves Harshly for the Smallest Mistakes that Don’t Matter

How to Turn Off Inner Criticism with Self-Compassion

“You have learned nothing from your therapist, stupid bitch.”

That was what I told myself immediately after I overshared to somebody about my mental health issue. I didn’t stick to the practice of setting boundaries, considering I have done 9-weeks of raising self-esteem work now.

Then I paused.

I said to whoever that voice that called me a stupid bitch, “you are the bitch, go away. I’ve learned and I’m undoing patterns of the past 20 years. Give me a break and I’m going to hold my boundary now, to you!”

Oh, inner conversation is not schizophrenic, there’s somebody else living inside us and we should all become aware of them.

Here’s how.

First thing first: name your inner child

Both psychology and spiritualism discuss the concept of more than one ‘I’ within us. Eckhart Tolle calls it the ego fused with the pain-body, and some schools of psychology call it an inner child that is still suffering the wounds from childhood and hasn’t moved on cognitively.

I have done a few very effective meditations and journaling prompts to help to connect to my inner child. I even named her Erin because I don’t want to mistake her as my true self.

Through meeting Erin, I have discovered a lot about myself. For personal accounts, click below:

Why You Didn’t Learn Shit from Your Trauma

Forget Toxic Positivity Narrative, Focus on the Situation

medium.com

Emotional Abuse, Gaslighting, Manipulation, I Don’t Want to Call My Family These Names.

We Must Heal Our Wounds with Forgiveness

medium.com

I was a bit annoyed with Erin, because what she’s doing when she called me a stupid bitch is exactly what my mother used to do to me. She has taken on the role of my mother to continue criticising me whenever I’ve made the tiniest mistake.

But this is the thing, our inner child is nothing but a poor figure that has taken on all the blame, they are defensive because that’s the only way they know to deal with the pain and survive in this cruel world.

How to detach from our pain

As soon as we can recognise our inner child and develop compassion for it, we can achieve a total detachment from our wounded self.

Let’s talk about what remains after the detachment first. That would be our true self, the “us” who remembers what is to learn from the past but not overtaken by the wounds. A person who has learned how to maintain a secure, healthy attachment with people. A person who has consistent self-confidence and positive self-esteem.

There’s such a true self in every one of us.

It’s not an ideal or a dream to be completely free from our history, it’s what we already are. Our inner child has absorbed everything nasty for us. It’s pretty genius if we think about it this way.

So I decide this healthier me can be impartial to Erin, in fact, we can be compassionate to our inner child. Because the brain has compartmentalized it enough for us to detach from them!

There are no tricks or methods to detach, it’s merely a mindset switch. As soon as we name our inner child, we accept it’s a separate entity inside us. We can then choose right now to detach from our inner child and the pain it carries. It will get you to a happier state immediately.

If learning about this by reading or in your head doesn’t help you to get a concrete understanding of the idea, write this wholeheartedly in a notebook:

“Hi, [name of your inner child], nice to finally meet you. We are separate but together, and don’t be afraid.”

What is self-compassion?

Do you know how some people sugarcoat their criticism with the label of ‘constructive comments? That’s not authentic and we can feel it.

When I walked away from self-criticism, my first question was, how can I continue to improve myself? Is there a way to become a better person other than to slag ourselves off or sugarcoat?

Yes! Try self-compassion.

The intention when we tell ourselves off is because we desperately want us to be better. In reality, it’s true, we always have room for improvement. What we don’t have to do, is to add an extra layer of shame, guilt, cruelty to that room. That’s what a wounded inner child does.

When we detach, we remove the need for the inner child to criticise harshly.

Yesterday I uploaded my first video on Youtube (check it out here if you want to support me) and immediately Erin immediately gave me a tonne of criticisms. Then I calmed myself down, and I wrote down in my journal (you can imagine it if you want, a matter of preference):

“Hi Erin, calm your ass. Your points are taken and let’s do a better one next time.”

So next time we hear our inner child start criticising, we have learned to detach and observe what they are saying. We pick out the factual component of the opinion and tell our inner child to cut us some slag on the emotions and shames. Remember, we don’t need to be told off to get better, we just need to talk about what needs to get better and how.

Remember, having room for improvement doesn’t immediately mean we are not enough. We can be enough and continue to improve.

We just need to know what we can do better, that’s it. This is self-compassion. Because no criticisms ever need to be harsh, to other people or to ourselves.

An Upset Inner Child

Inner criticisms are often loud and clear, like calling yourself stupid and worthless. But there’s a hidden inner criticism that I have also recently discovered.

Do you avoid doing things that you don’t get the hang of immediately?

I tried playing tennis once, and I was very bad at it, so I just concluded that I had no talent in tennis and never touched the racket again.

Thinking about it, I thought I was a quitter at first. But that’s not the case, because when I feel good about something new the first time I tried it, I tend to keep practising even when it gets difficult. I don’t quit easily. It’s only if it doesn’t feel good immediately, I lost motivation.

Do you have the same issue?

This is how cunning inner criticism sometimes is. They might have put the idea in us that if we aren’t good at something immediately, we are not talented. They say that means you have no potential in this thing and better stick to the safe bet. This kept many people with low self-esteem inside their comfort zone, sometimes this even makes their comfort zone smaller and smaller.

Look out for this secret, creepy self-defeat and treat it with compassion. We have the scope to take risks.

Start healing today by becoming aware of the harsh words we are telling ourselves. Recognise that this is not from ourselves but from our inner child.

Make a point to forgive them with compassion. Make the choice to detach from our wounds forever. This is an instant switch, not a learning curve.

Next time when the inner child starts criticising again, we know that’s not us, and we listen with caution. We tell them to stop when the inner child becomes harsh and mean. We replace the emotions with pragmaticism, what exactly needs to be done.

Practice enough, we will get the hang of it, and we will become very strong and emotionally resilient.

Hi I am Midori and I’m a top writer on parenting and traveling on Medium. I am a social anthropologist interested in a healing lifestyle. Follow me on Medium or subscribe to my mailing list!