It’s Good to Talk and Get Everything out in the Open, Apart From When It Isn’t

Note the best times to converse or stay quiet, and your relationships will improve

As a former counselor, you might imagine I promote the idea it’s best to talk. After all, communication is a vital element in all healthy relationships and often does a great deal of good. Nonetheless, sometimes it’s best to button up and keep your thoughts to yourself.

I’ve witnessed many arguments, and one thing stands out when the air’s rife with battle fumes. Some words are best left unsaid. They hurt, and once they leave your mouth, there’s no taking them back. They’re out there, and you might regret having uttered them.

Why ranting doesn’t work

It’s only natural to lash out when you’re in pain, including emotional anguish. Your words, however, won’t always describe what you want to say. They are stress reactions rather than nuggets of wisdom that heal.

Talking helps when you find the right words, not just any old ones, but those that enlighten and move the conversation forward. Often communicating when you’re angry or distraught makes a point. It has clout. But it doesn’t explain the cause of the problem that ails you.

When you rant, you’re likely to alienate yourself from people you want to relate to on better terms. In your heart, you want to sort out a dispute and get closer. Your words, however, shift you away from your target and worsen the situation.

It’s smart to consider disputes as chances to negotiate and determine how to make both parties happy.

Aim for a win-win outcome

Most often, we fight tooth and nail to have our say and get our own way, but strong relationships evolve when everybody aims for win-win outcomes, wherein everyone involved is treated as if their needs are as important as each other’s.

I often note people charge into difficult conversations with the idea there will be a winner and a loser, and, of course, they don’t want to be the latter. So, they close their ears to their opponent’s views and steam ahead with blinkers covering their perception. You can’t expand awareness if you refuse to look at the whole picture, which means removing the blinkers and looking at all angles.

When it’s best to say nothing

We’ve all blustered into bad communication habits at times. They spring from pain. When you feel hurt, you want whoever you believe was the catalyst for your angst to stop, and the first step is to make sure they know you’re hurt.

You might let them into your experience by shouting, wailing, or fuming. When your emotions are that dominant, though, you can’t think straight. You’re in fight-or-flight, which means the logical part of your brain has switched off, and you’re hypersensitive.

As a result, you can’t put forth helpful arguments or see anyone else’s side of the story. It’s as though a cork’s taken from a bottle ready to explode, and that’s just what you do. You empty your contents without direction or logic, and the outcome’s never helpful.

Tip One: Never enter a conversation when you’re overwrought and can’t think straight. Wait until the atmosphere’s calm and you’ve had time to figure out what you want and how to get your point across successfully.

Tip Two: If your mind’s hell-bent on revenge, stop. Maybe you’re right, and someone is mistreating you. All the more reason to step back and create an intelligent plan of action. What can you say, for instance, to help the other person see your view? Have you any bargaining chips?

An “I’ll give you this if you give me that” discourse might help you get what you want. Make an appointment with the individual you want to speak with and take notes reminding you of important points if you need to rather than run in with guns blazing.

Tip Three: Know when it’s best to move on. Most of the time, it’s worth negotiating, especially when important relationships are involved. Now and then, though, the person you want to impress doesn’t mean that much to you after all. Or, the subject at hand isn’t important, but your relationship is valuable.

If someone isn’t a big part of your life (a stranger who stops to argue with you due to a disagreement, for instance), consider whether it’s better to let the matter go.

Also, if your relationship matters but the subject you disagree about doesn’t, put your relationship first. Some things aren’t worth arguing about, ever.

Tip Four: Recognize when the other person involved is overwrought and can’t communicate well. Remember, other people shift into fight-or-flight sometimes too, and they can’t hear your logic. You might be calm and wise enough to offer useful words, but if they can’t receive them, you might as well wait until they are more receptive and open to helpful discourse.

It is good to talk at the right time. It’s not useful to enter conversations when emotions fly high, however. Nor is it helpful to put time and energy into making an unimportant point or aiming to impress someone you’ll probably never see again. Note the best times to converse or stay quiet, and your relationships will improve along with your peace of mind.

Bridget Webber writes articles for magazines and websites; she often ghostwrites for professionals who can’t spare the time to pen compositions. She’s written poetry eBooks and features in several leading publications.