It’s Finally Time We Talk About How Pumpkins Can Feel Us Carve Them

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e scary monster or hilarious pop culture reference (“I’m Pumpkin Rick!”), let’s make sure to acknowledge that every cut you make will be experienced in vivid detail by the pumpkin, its pulpy flesh serving as an excruciating painful canvas for our most grotesque machinations.Now who doesn’t love going pumpkin picking? Enjoying a crisp fall day with your friends and loved ones while you each find that perfect pumpkin — there’s nothing better! But when you get home, please keep in mind that the pumpkin you personally chose to tear away from its beautiful pumpkin family to eviscerate, gut, and then publicly display its mutilated innards, will be fully conscious for every stage of this barbaric tradition.Sure, nothing delights little trick-or-treaters more than the glow of a perfectly carved jack-o-latern, an orange beacon to light the path towards free candy. I just hope that as we see those well-lit smiling faces greet us at the door in adorable costumes, we are ready as a country to accept that this pumpkin “art” was created by the jagged edges of pumpkin scalpels gashing our pulpy victims, their haunting screams inaudible to the human ear as we sadistically carve out mout

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hs for them, mocking that they may never speak again.So, when someone compliments the detail of your Hocus Pocus pumpkin you posted on Instagram, graciously thank them for their comment, as you deeply internalize that the craftsmanship of your act was directly proportional to the quantity of pain experienced by a once magical creature, now rotting on your curb. The guilt of your act weighs on you, heavy as a pillowcase full of candy, your hands seem permanently stained with pumpkin blood… it’s something you can never wash out. But most importantly, remember to have a Happy Halloween!<a href="/slackjaw/slackjaw-humor-writing-challenge-the-winners-3ca604a2de63">Read More Slackjaw Humor Writing Challenge Winners.</a><figure id="4ffb"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*QUV7dZ5hd2iChfXVyrM-Zw.jpeg"><figcaption></figcaption></figure>Whoa, awesome! Follow Slackjaw on <a href="https://facebook.com/SlackjawHumor">Facebook,</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/SlackjawHumor">Twitter</a>, and <a href="https://mailchi.mp/b2680924b6b9/86k8o3akou">get our best stories once a month by email</a>.</article></body>

It’s Finally Time We Talk About How Pumpkins Can Feel Us Carve Them

Boo! Spooked you, did I? Well good, because Halloween is right around the corner! That’s right, it’s time to find that perfect costume, fill up on candy, and finally come together as a nation to talk about how pumpkins can definitely, without a doubt, feel us carve them.

Jack-O’-Lanterns are a staple of celebrating Halloween, and no house is properly decorated without one. But this year when you sit down to carve out your favorite scary monster or hilarious pop culture reference (“I’m Pumpkin Rick!”), let’s make sure to acknowledge that every cut you make will be experienced in vivid detail by the pumpkin, its pulpy flesh serving as an excruciating painful canvas for our most grotesque machinations.

Now who doesn’t love going pumpkin picking? Enjoying a crisp fall day with your friends and loved ones while you each find that perfect pumpkin — there’s nothing better! But when you get home, please keep in mind that the pumpkin you personally chose to tear away from its beautiful pumpkin family to eviscerate, gut, and then publicly display its mutilated innards, will be fully conscious for every stage of this barbaric tradition.

Sure, nothing delights little trick-or-treaters more than the glow of a perfectly carved jack-o-latern, an orange beacon to light the path towards free candy. I just hope that as we see those well-lit smiling faces greet us at the door in adorable costumes, we are ready as a country to accept that this pumpkin “art” was created by the jagged edges of pumpkin scalpels gashing our pulpy victims, their haunting screams inaudible to the human ear as we sadistically carve out mouths for them, mocking that they may never speak again.

So, when someone compliments the detail of your Hocus Pocus pumpkin you posted on Instagram, graciously thank them for their comment, as you deeply internalize that the craftsmanship of your act was directly proportional to the quantity of pain experienced by a once magical creature, now rotting on your curb. The guilt of your act weighs on you, heavy as a pillowcase full of candy, your hands seem permanently stained with pumpkin blood… it’s something you can never wash out. But most importantly, remember to have a Happy Halloween!