“It’s because I have ADHD”.

When does it cross from being an explanation into being an excuse?

This is going to be controversial, or at least I think it will be, so buckle up.

If your answer to things is, “It’s because I have ADHD,” and you’ve done 0 things to accommodate your brain, you are using it as an excuse.

There, I said it.

If you are relying on others to accommodate you while taking no action to accommodate your own brain. You are using ADHD as an excuse.

Friendship queries pop up a lot in the ADHD Reddit thread I’m in, which is what sparked this.

There are a lot of “my friends should just understand I love them but won’t remember to keep in touch.” or “my friends keep getting annoyed at me being late, but it’s just how my brain works.” Or my favorite, “My friend got mad after the 45 time I was late and told me to stop blaming ADHD”.

The onus to accommodate ADHD time blindness should not be on others.

Or the out-of-sight mind that sees us forget to respond to texts or check in with friends — also something we need to work around.

Unless you have strategies in place to help you, then you are using ADHD as an excuse. Because you are placing the mental load of your friendship on your friends, they have to keep the communication going; they have to remember how your brain works and accommodate you; they have to sit in cafes for 30 minutes alone waiting, and so on.

I’m sorry, but no.

Should they understand? Yes; should they bear the weight of it? No.

If you've got 0 strategies in place for managing things that affect others, then you are using ADHD as an excuse.

Before I go on, let me just say that I have ADHD, I’m freaking awful at getting back to people.

I set reminders, I have calendar alerts, and I have photos of my friends on my desk so I can visually see them and remember to check-in. I try and work with my brain instead of relying on them to understand.

Does it always work? No, but I’m super apologetic and try to make it up to them if I drop the ball.

Will everyone I come across be accommodating to that? No, and that’s fine; they are allowed to decide who is involved in their life and how.

But if you’ve got no strategies, or coping methods, or plans other than apologies after the fact. Then you are using ADHD as an excuse.

This is not a “look how great I am” post, I drop the ball a lot. And have yet to figure out strategies for some things, but my first response is that that’s on me. Not anyone else.

My ADHD is part of me, but I function in a community. Part of that is a meeting of community understanding and accommodation and me working to manage my brain.

So, on that note, I’m off to message a bunch of people because my calendar just reminded me to do so.

Liz