Summary

The article discusses the unequal division of household labor and its impact on marriages, suggesting that men should take full responsibility for housework rather than framing it as "helping."

Abstract

The piece begins with a humorous anecdote at a bookstore, highlighting societal expectations of women in domestic roles, as depicted in the satirical book "Porn for Women." It transitions into a critique of the traditional gender roles within marriages, where women often bear the brunt of household chores despite having full-time jobs, leading to dissatisfaction and a high divorce rate, with 70% initiated by women. The author emphasizes that the term "help" implies that men are not equally accountable for domestic duties, which is a significant factor in marital discord. The article cites research indicating that men experience psychological distress when their wives either outearn them or do not contribute financially, underscoring the persistence of outdated gender norms and their detrimental effect on relationships.

Opinions

The author believes that the concept of men "helping" with housework is problematic and perpetuates inequality, as it suggests that the responsibility is not inherently theirs.
The article implies that societal expectations of women performing the majority of domestic tasks are outdated and contribute to marital strain and divorce.
The author points out the double standard where men may feel emasculated if their wives are more successful or earn more, indicating a need for progress in gender equality within marriages.
The piece suggests that the institution of marriage has not kept pace with modern expectations for gender equality, as evidenced by the division of labor in the home and its impact on mental health and relationship stability.
It is highlighted that the responsibility for household tasks should be shared equally by both partners, reflecting a true partnership and mitigating the stress on women who work outside the home.

It’s About Darn Time Men Stopped “Helping” With The Housework

72% of married women with kids have jobs. 70% of divorces are initiated by women. Coincidence?

man sweeping the floor, photo from pexels

We’re walking through the mall when he sees a guy he used to work with. I’m going to say hi, he says and I nod. I’ll be in the bookstore, I say.

He grins over his shoulder and says of course you will, where else would you be? and I laugh.

Ten or twenty minutes later, he walks into the bookstore and sees me laughing my fool butt off. Honestly, cackling would be more accurate.

What’s so funny? he asks.

This, I say, and close the book to show him the cover.

I laugh again because of the look on his face.

Listen, I say, and read the back cover out loud. I’m a good reader. Not monotone, if you know what I mean.

Prepare to enter a fantasy world. A world where clothes get folded just so, delicious dinners await, and flatulence is just not that funny. Give the fairer sex what they really want, beautiful PG photos of hunky men cooking, listening, asking for directions, accompanied by steamy captions: “I love a clean house!” [Porn For Women, back cover text: source]

A woman in the next aisle laughs as I’m reading so I hold the book up so she can see the cover and she laughs even more.

He gives me an insulted look and walks out of the store so I put the book down and hurry to catch up. He looks like a storm cloud.

That’s not funny, he says.

Yes it is, I say. It’s hilarious.

He stops right in the middle of the mall, halfway between the bookstore and the food court. He’s scowling at me.

I help, he says.

That’s what lots of guys say. They help. And that’s the problem.

Here’s what no one tells young women who are excitedly planning their wedding even if there’s no groom in sight yet.

For one magical day, you wear the gown and shoes and there are flowers everywhere and if he’s a romantic too, maybe you get a horse and carriage like my nephew did and for one magical day, it’s like being Cinderella.

But all the days after that? The fairy tale plays out in reverse and you get to be the Cinderella that scrubs and sweeps and cleans day after day, week after week. And if you’re luckier than most, he’ll help.

We’re sitting in a little burger joint because everyone told him they make the best burgers in town and my workday isn’t done yet and I don’t have the time or energy to cook so I said let’s go try that burger place, okay?

We pick an empty table next to a couple that looks about a decade or so older than us. I haven’t even taken a bite yet, but it smells wonderful.

There’s two kinds of cheese and the bacon is just perfect.

The old man at the next table leans over. Your night to cook? he asks conspiratorially and they laugh at the man joke while his wife rolls her eyes like she’s heard that too many times and just keeps chewing.

No, I say. Because if it was, we wouldn’t be here, and the old guy looks offended, like I ruined his joke, but his wife’s shoulders are shaking with silent laughter as she takes a bite. Good burgers, she says. They were.

Maybe you know this, maybe you don’t but 50% of marriages in America end in divorce. Here’s how that shakes out. 41% of first marriages, 60% of second marriages, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce.

Know how long they last, on average?

Forget the ‘until death do us part’ stuff.

Eight years. That’s the average before it all goes to hell in a handbasket, except you should probably make that a laundry basket. Also?

Let me tell you a crazy arse true story.

A law firm that files a lot of divorces wrote a post explaining what happens. They should know. It’s based on every poor sucker who sat in their office and paid them way too much money to end a marriage they vowed to stay in until they’re dead. Or dead sick of it, as it turns out half the time.

And just so you know, these are the statistics on marriages between a cis man and a cis woman like Ward and June Cleaver, okay? That’s not my choice, it’s what they wrote about. It goes like this.

Couple meets. Falls in love. Gets married. So far, so good.

Suddenly, she’s carrying the lion’s share of the cooking, cleaning, and chores on top of her job. And if that’s not bad enough, she feels like her husband is “not supportive” if she’s successful in her career.

Know why she feels like he’s not supportive?

Because according to a 2019 study, men experience “psychological distress” if their wives rise in their careers and earn more than 40% of the household income. Their clients agreed with that. He’s not supportive of my career.

Know what one of the researchers conducting the study said?

She said the results point to “the persistence of gender identity norms, and their part in male mental health issues.” (source)

Read that again, okay?

Gender identity norms play a part in male mental health issues. That’s the findings. Not 50 years ago. Four years ago.

So much for progress.

Know what else men find psychologically stressful? If their wives don’t work at all and he has to cover all the bills himself.

Because it’s not the boomer generation anymore and everything is too expensive and wages have not kept up with the cost of living. Having to cover the bills on one income is stressful. They need her to work.

As long as she doesn’t earn more.

And as long as she’s not too successful.

As long as her job doesn’t pay more than half their income, as long as it doesn’t emasculate him, whatever that means.

Michael Rosenfeld is a professor of sociology at Stanford University. Here’s what he said about that report…

“I think marriage as an institution has been a little bit slow to catch up with expectations for gender equality.” — Michael Rosenfeld, Stanford (source)

You think, Michael?

Here’s what I think. I think the numbers are super interesting. 72% of married women with kids have jobs. 70% of divorces are initiated by women. Coincidence? I think not.

Remember that day at the burger joint? I worked insanely late that day because I was helping a client file their monthly financial reports.

Those reports weren’t my responsibility.

I do marketing, SEO, and maintain their website. But I knew inventory had taken too long and the board of directors were waiting for the reports and I like the guy who was staying late to get them done so I offered to help.

That’s what helping means.

When I did those reports, I was helping. When I work on the client’s website or marketing, I’m not helping. I’m doing what I’m responsible for.

You can only “help” with something if it wasn’t your responsibility in the first place. There are two names on the mortgage or lease, isn’t there?

Is that ringing any bells?

It’s about darn time men stopped “helping” with the housework.