It’s a Bubble Struggle

What have you learned in your bubble?

I am struggling with my bubble. More specifically, I am having trouble leaving the iridescent rainbow-colored permeable membrane of my bubble. There. I admitted it, it’s a bubble struggle.

Now we are allowed out into the great big scary world, the real struggle is getting out of the bubble. The restrictions have lifted, business are open and we can go out. And I ask myself, why don’t I want to?

For two years, we bubbled with our people and tried to create a safe place. We succeeded in not contacting Covid 19. We learned not to expect too much out of the days, we just got by. I am still getting by. I work all day, try to write, take care of my house, cook. Life is ordinary.

Each morning, I think “when I get off work today I am going to go…” But as I get off work each day, I struggle getting out of the bubble. I can’t think of anywhere I would rather be. I don’t want to go out to a bar, movie, art program, show. It all just seems like too much effort. I just don’t see the point.

Streaming is just so much easier. Staying home in my pajamas with a nice cocktail or glass of wine is just so much easier. Having the dog in my lap with a bowl of popcorn brings me joy. During the pandemic, we learned this was OK. And it still is.

I’ve gotten used to ordinary and uneventful. I’ve gotten use to not having people around. Life in the bubble wasn’t exciting, different and new. But it was safe. I’ve built the semiporous walls around myself and focused on being OK, if only for today.

Maybe my bubble trouble is a practical one? Getting dressed, putting on makeup, finding shoes, getting into my car, dealing with traffic, paying for gas, spending money; all the things of “going out” take effort. Most days, it feels like more effort than I can expend. Actually showing up someplace, including work, on-time seems like such an impossible struggle for me these days. I wonder how did we do the morning routine, commute and 8-hour workday before?

To go where? The movie theater no longer holds any charm. Live music makes me think of all the microbial droplets hanging in the air as I breathe them in. Going out to dinner has become a hassle when take out is just so much easier. Who cares if other people are around to see me eat? Concerts, sports, plays, and all of the things I used to do before the pandemic have lost their charms when I think of how many people I will be sharing air with.

Conversations have become stilted. Talk of covid, pandemic and politics have become our only frames of cultural reference. God forbid when we are put in a situation where we have to make small talk. We have forgotten how. When I get together with friends for a social visit and all they can talk about is the pandemic and Covid, I wish for my brain to pop as well. I prefer my bubble, an instantaneous glimpse of rainbow heaven.

Bubbles are made from surface tension. They are not held together in the calm, they are held together by tension itself.

Most of us have learned how to live with the people we are and the people we live with. Some have opted for other realities because they couldn’t handle the reality they experienced day in and day out. The sameness. The boredom. The never ending chores.

We have been living with an invisible threat to our lives, surrounding us constantly and lurking outside the safety of the bubble. We remember what it was like to live through the first few months of this pandemic, in the fear of conflicting messaging and the utter dissolution of the fabric of our “expert” establishment. To see our country’s jobs, economy, culture, businesses, music and the arts pop into nothing overnight.

I am realizing the world out there isn’t holding interest for me anymore. We are changed, individually and collectively. Some of us found our true essences and peace. Some of us learned we’d rather be alone. And it is OK.

How are you doing with your bubble struggle?