It’s A Big Red Flag When Your Partner Won’t Say These Things to You

Couples can struggle to connect when one partner won’t say these important things.

Toxic people don’t make for the best partners. Yet millions of us make the decision every single day to tie our lives to partners and spouses, who make us feel less worthy and deserving of love and happiness. Why?

Well, a lot of us don’t realize that the person we’re settling for is a subpar partner. Having normalized a million unhealthy beliefs and behaviors in ourselves, we struggle to see when someone else isn’t treating us the way we deserve.

Are you putting yourself in second place? Are you keeping yourself small and settling for someone who is toxic, abusive, or otherwise manipulative and demeaning? Don’t be fooled. Toxic people hide themselves willingly in the open, and they reveal themselves often in all the things they say (and don’t say).

Things a toxic partner will never say.

When you’re romantically invested in a toxic person, a problematic person, or a seflish person, there’s an obvious lack of support and of love. They don’t show up for you the way you need them to. They don’t give you the affection or even the empathy that you need to form trust and lasting connection.

Toxic partners are just that: toxic. They care about themselves first and everyone else second. That’s why you’ll never hear them take accountability and you’ll never see them step up to the plate. All those important, reaffirming words you’re craving from them? They never manifest.

A toxic or ill-fitting partner will never say these things to you, no matter how much you beg or plead for it.

“Let’s figure it out.”

If you’re waiting for your toxic partner to come to the table ready to work — think again. Rebuilding a relationship as a team requires both people to take action, and it also requires both parties to take accountability for what they’ve gotten wrong.

That’s not exactly the forte of a toxic partner.

They want to blame you for everything that’s gone wrong. It’s also you they expect to change in order to make the relationship work.

Don’t fall for this one-sided imbalance. The longer you hold on to this toxic relationship dynamic, the more resentment and conflict your relationship is going to create. Both of you need to comes to the tables as equals or not at all.

“I shouldn’t have done that.”

Because toxic and narcissistic partners and spouses don’t take accountability, they never step up to the plate to admit when they’re wrong.

They’ll run around every wild excuse out there if it means not admitting to their insecurities and their shortcomings.

Never expect a toxic person to admit that they made a mistake, or that they did something that hurt you. That would damage your ego and most toxic people just aren’t willing to showcase their flaws in that way.

“You are a beautiful person.”

Physical looks aren’t everything, but it feels nice to have our looks appreciated by our partners. It’s a confidence boost, even if just a small one that gets you through the day. Compliments matter, but the toxic partner won’t go there.

They’re not interested in “empowering” you or making you feel good, because that detracts from their sense of power. Part of that is accomplished by being “the best” in the relationship.

If they compliment you, then they believe they are detracting from themselves. It’s an immature mindset the toxic partner exists in. The only time they will compliment you is when they want to use it as a form of manipulation.

“I’m so sorry.”

There is no accountability in the toxic partner or the toxic relationship. It doesn’t exist. If it did, then things would move a lot smoother. Instead, the toxic partner likes to blame shift and avoid accountability in any way possible.

They aren’t going to tell you, “I’m so sorry,” when they get it wrong or hurt you. What you’re likely to hear from them is, “Why do you make me act like that?” Or even, “If you didn’t say things like that, I wouldn’t hurt you.”

Healthy partners are capable of admitting when they’re wrong, and working to make things better. The toxic partner, instead, decides to use words (and anything else they can) to damage your heart and your spirit.

“I’ll take care of it.”

Ever needed your partner to show up and take some of the weight off your shoulders? It’s a part of a healthy and stable relationship. Our partners should help us, mentally, emotionally, and physically in ways that don’t cross their own healthy boundaries.

More than that, this help should happen unselfishly. Our partners should help us because they genuinely want to help. That’s not what the toxic partner does.

This is, instead, the type of person who will avoid helping you in any way. They will watch you struggle and never give you a helping hand. Some may even take pleasure in seeing you stressed out and at your breaking point.

If you’re looking for someone to step in and say, ”I’ll take care of it,” when the world becomes too much — look away from your toxic partner.

“I respect that.”

We all have boundaries. These are the things we say no to, or the things that get in the way of our happiness, health, and safety. When we set a boundary with our partners, we think that they will respect it. That’s how we come to trust them.

Very often the reason behind the lack of trust in a toxic relationship is because there’s a total lack of respect when it comes to boundaries.

The toxic partner doesn’t respect your needs and desires. Instead, they trample over them to get to their own. Proving in that space that your boundaries mean nothing to them at all.

Respect doesn’t figure in to the toxic relationship in any real way. It’s a one-lane exchange in which you are expected to give your all to someone who is not interesting in returning that same respect (or even love).

What can you do to get the communication that you need?

This is the portion of the journey when people start questioning the action. If your partner isn’t saying what you need to hear — how do you get that communication out of them? It’s not a trick question, although some people make the answer more complicated than it needs to be.

The truth is that you can’t force someone to say the right things. If you did? It would be meaningless, worthless.

Then what does that leave you? What does that leave anyone who is stuck in a relationship with someone who can’t say the right things when they’re neded? Powerlessness is not an option. So where does the action lie?

It lies in the slighted partner taking action for themselves. They have to understand what healthy communication looks like, and why it’s so important. Then it’s up to them to align with their self-esteem, set-clear boundaries, and to figure out how far their willing to take their present unhappiness.

You can’t force a toxic or dysfunctional partner to change, to be the person you know they’re capable of being. All that can really be done is settling, or taking action to put one’s self in the right environment with the right relationship. That means big changes. More importantly, it could mean building new relationships with new partners later down the road.

How to build better relationships…

Building better relationships goes far beyond changing the way your toxic partner behaves. You can’t do that. You can’t control them, change them, or even convince them that what they’re doing is wrong. But you can change the way you build relationships.

1. Figure out your intentions: Re-aligning with your intentions is a great way to fast-track the right relationship. What is it that you really seek from this partnership? What do you want to build with this life, and what do you intend to bring to the table? You need to get clear on why you’re showing up, and make sure you have a partner that does the same.
2. Look inward instead: Getting better relationships isn’t always about improving things with our partners. Instead of chasing your loved one for all the answers, look within. What can you do to improve your place in life right now?
3. Having important conversations early: Once you’ve found someone you’re interested in, it’s important to set your expectations early and then manage them through frank and honest communication. Have the big conversations early and don’t wait until there’s conflict.
4. Recognizing uncrossable divides: No matter how much we might love someone, some divides are too great to overcome. There are differences that cannot be compromised on, and some goals in this life that just can’t be aligned. More than that, we have to ensure we are selecting partners whose integrity and values are aligned with our own.

You can change what you’re willing to tolerate and what you’re willing to allow. Everyone deserves to be loved and supported by partners who see them as equals. Partners who want to take accountability and do their part to make the relationship work.

You deserve someone who challenges you, yes. You also deserve someone who holds you in the softest, most compassionate, and open spaces too.

Stop settling for less than you want and less than you deserve. Seek to build happy and healthy relationships by changing the way you see yourself and relationships as a whole. Learn who you are. Discover what’s out there. Leave your heart open for all the magic that is still left to come.

Does your partner say the right things to you? Do they apologize when they’re wrong? Do they lift you up? Show their support by asking you questions and being curious and engaged in your life?

Overall, it’s crucial to recognize the importance of your partner showing their love for you through communication — if they don’t, it can have lasting impacts on your relationship.

Don’t let everyday worries or awkwardness stop you from speaking up for the communication you want and deserve. Doing so will only help affirm long-term potential and intimacy in your relationship. It will be difficult at first but don’t be discouraged.

Be honest. Are you on a path to better communication? Having honest conversations with yourself and with your partner are the best tools for creating long-lasting security within any partnership. Never settle for less than the deep and lasting connections you crave.

© E.B. Johnson 2023

I am a writer, coach, and podcaster who helps women create more fulfilling and authentic lives. Join my mailing list for weekly advice and updates, or click the link below to learn more about me and my 1:1 coaching programs.