It Was Minutes Ago…
Why is it still bothering you?
How many past arguments are you still debating in your head? How much time do you spend after an interaction thinking about what you ‘should have said,’ or ‘Well, actually…’?
I am guilty of this. The other day I won an argument in my head that was from a conversation with my old boss from 6 months ago. But…I won!
Why do we continue to ruminate over past arguments or actions? Why does it haunt us for days, weeks, or even years?
We do this even when we know it isn’t healthy for us emotionally or mentally. We do this knowing we cannot do anything about what happened in the past.
We like to have the last word. To be right in the end. And nothing is easier than arguing with another person who isn’t around to counter any of our premises or conclusions.
In his book Awareness, Anthony De Mello discusses that our first instinct, our deepest instinct, is self-preservation. This is exacerbated by our ego, convincing us that we are doing the right things, even that we are justified in our actions.
It is a way for us to protect our self-esteem, so our ego can emerge unscathed.
But, is our ego being scathed really such a bad thing?
Ryan Holiday wrote a book solely dedicated to this topic. The title gives away his final conclusion: Ego is the Enemy.
I recently re-read this and discovered it was the first book that I began to write in; I started underlining and having conversations with the author (called marginalia), ensuring I fully grasped the points he was making.
Your Ego is toxic. My Ego is toxic. It inflates a sense of self-importance, a grandiosity that is detrimental to your relationships, career, and mental health.
These mental ad-hoc altercations are an insidious way for our egos to grab hold and keep us in the past instead of allowing us to learn and move forward.
There is a scene in The Great that embodies the remedy mindset perfectly. It can feel unattainable, but it is a good goal to strive for.
Peter [the emperor of Russia] is frustrated with Leo, the lover that Peter procured for his wife, Catherine. Peter begins to beat Leo for some innocuous reason. Catherine, upset stops the beating. Peter calms down and leaves. Leo stands up, dusts off his clothes, and sits at the table to eat breakfast.
Don’t you not wish to break his head open?!
No, I wish to enjoy my breakfast, which is what I am doing…
He just beat you!
It was minutes ago.
You are baffling.
Thank you for saving me, by the way. You don’t need to do that. Truth is, he’ll do what he wishes with me; hang me, flay me, or take me hunting and for a nice lunch. One cannot let oneself live in fear of that. He can kick me, but I will not let him rob me of my enjoyment of this egg, that coffee, or this day. I will not let fear take my life away.
The example above can feel difficult to achieve, almost superhuman. Even still, it helps me fight back against my ego. A small step in the right direction each day is substantial progress.
“Well Actually, this and this!…”
Stop… take a breath…It was minutes ago.
Damn! I should have said “X and Y” when they said…”
Stop…take a breath…It was minutes ago.
We will lose arguments, and discussions — be wrong. We are human, we fail.
A retroactive attempt to win or erase those failures in some never-ending solipsistic war prevents us from growing; it prevents us from learning from our failures because…we won! Right?
Take a moment. Take a mindful breath. Remind yourself…that argument you are re-working yourself up about?
It was minutes ago.
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