It Took Me 20 Years to Realize I Was Having Panic Attacks

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en jogging or lifting weights, it often stays around 140 BPM. Knowing this, I was astounded that it could be as high as it was in my bathroom, yet I wasn’t panting or sweating or really doing anything out of the norm. I practiced taking a few deep breaths, then went back to lie down in my bed and practically bathe myself in essential oils.</p><p id="ce5e">After a few minutes, my heart rate went back to 80 BPM, and I could feel myself returning to something like normal. <i>I think I maybe just had a panic attack</i>, I thought.</p><p id="c7ce">After doing some of my own research that night, as well as talking to my therapist a few days later, I’ve concluded that is, in fact, what happened. I was able to remain calm because this wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling to me. I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was 10 years old. Yet, I’ve never once considered myself a person who had panic attacks. Looking back though, I’ve definitely been having panic attacks since I was about 12. I just never knew what they were. Why I figured it out on this night, after years of having them? I have no idea. I suspect, though, it’s all the therapy I’ve been doing lately.</p><p id="3756">As my therapist explained to me, there are different kinds of panic attacks. There are those directly caused by a specific trigger, and there are others with less clear causes that seem to come out of nowhere. Lucky me, I get the fun later option that can sneak up out of the blue.</p><p id="6a4c">Now that I understand a bit more about what’s been going on with me all these years, I’m astounded that it’s taken me so long to figure out that I was experiencing panic attacks. I mean, I see them all the time in movies and in TV shows: the person starts hyperventilating and breaks out into a sweat, the room spins around them, they double over or collapse in a heap on the ground…</p><p id="89b7">I had no idea how wrong Hollywood was getting it.</p><p id="2f30">To be fair, I only have my experience with panic attacks to relate to. I’m sure other people suffering from panic episodes experience more severe attacks than this. Yet, I’m willing to bet there are also others like me out there. If that’s you, I hope the knowledge of what you might be experiencing can help you

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better cope with it.</p><p id="daae">Now that I know I have panic attacks, I somehow feel more prepared to deal with them. When I start experiencing symptoms, I can tell myself, <i>Oh, I’m starting to have a panic attack</i>, rather than be confused by what is happening.</p><p id="ac8f">As I mentioned, cold water, deep breathing, and essential oils all have helped me calm down during an attack, but it’s important to find what works for you.</p><p id="8029">My therapist has been an invaluable resource to me. I don’t make a lot of money, and she’s expensive, but she’s the most important bill I pay. If you struggle with panic attacks or any other aspect of your mental health, please consider therapy.</p><p id="4885">In the meantime, here are some other great articles by Medium writers about panic attacks (via <a href="undefined">Michele DeMarco</a> and <a href="undefined">Jyoti Meena</a>):</p><div id="77f4" class="link-block"> <a href="https://elemental.medium.com/panic-attack-or-anxiety-how-to-tell-the-difference-4a1076121d01"> <div> <div> <h2>Is It a Panic Attack or Anxiety?</h2> <div><h3>A therapist explains how to distinguish between the two</h3></div> <div><p>elemental.medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*HDyV5gSslDdFLvqg0RSHoA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="cdee" class="link-block"> <a href="https://betterhumans.pub/how-these-8-techniques-help-me-manage-my-panic-attacks-e54b3ef22344"> <div> <div> <h2>How These 8 Techniques Help Me Manage My Panic Attacks</h2> <div><h3>I developed this coping routine based on my experience and the psychology textbooks I use as a trainee psychologist</h3></div> <div><p>betterhumans.pub</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*Xq4I7kfq89s_TZ7T7AfhXQ.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

My symptoms didn’t look like the movies.

The other night I was sitting in bed, writing. It was evening, and my room was illuminated by the soft glow of my bedside lamp. Out of absolutely nowhere, this wave of fear and depression slammed into me, like someone had thrown a brick through my window and hit me in the soul.

I had the presence of mind to understand that something was happening inside me that wasn’t reflective of my current reality. I was in bed. I was safe. Literally, nothing had changed from when I felt normal to when I suddenly felt this impending sense of doom.

I felt like I was going to die — not in a hyperventilating, panicking kind of way, but deep within me, with a kind of calm acceptance that was honestly more terrifying than if I would have started hyperventilating.

I happened to be wearing my Apple Watch, so I pulled up the heart rate monitor. It showed that my heart rate had gone from about 69 BPM to roughly 80 BPM. Not a huge change, but I was confused as to why it had increased. I decided to go to the bathroom and apply some cold water to my wrists and neck — a trick my therapist taught me for calming anxiety. While in the bathroom, I checked my watch again: 169 BPM.

My breathing was heavier, and I could feel the rapid fluttering of my heart, but looking in the mirror, I was completely calm. I was confused and still felt like something was very wrong, but I looked so normal. Yet, in the span of only a few minutes, my heart rate had shot up 100 BPM.

I wouldn’t say I exercise regularly. But I exercise enough and use my watch enough to know what my heart rate looks like during rigorous activity. Even when jogging or lifting weights, it often stays around 140 BPM. Knowing this, I was astounded that it could be as high as it was in my bathroom, yet I wasn’t panting or sweating or really doing anything out of the norm. I practiced taking a few deep breaths, then went back to lie down in my bed and practically bathe myself in essential oils.

After a few minutes, my heart rate went back to 80 BPM, and I could feel myself returning to something like normal. I think I maybe just had a panic attack, I thought.

After doing some of my own research that night, as well as talking to my therapist a few days later, I’ve concluded that is, in fact, what happened. I was able to remain calm because this wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling to me. I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was 10 years old. Yet, I’ve never once considered myself a person who had panic attacks. Looking back though, I’ve definitely been having panic attacks since I was about 12. I just never knew what they were. Why I figured it out on this night, after years of having them? I have no idea. I suspect, though, it’s all the therapy I’ve been doing lately.

As my therapist explained to me, there are different kinds of panic attacks. There are those directly caused by a specific trigger, and there are others with less clear causes that seem to come out of nowhere. Lucky me, I get the fun later option that can sneak up out of the blue.

Now that I understand a bit more about what’s been going on with me all these years, I’m astounded that it’s taken me so long to figure out that I was experiencing panic attacks. I mean, I see them all the time in movies and in TV shows: the person starts hyperventilating and breaks out into a sweat, the room spins around them, they double over or collapse in a heap on the ground…

I had no idea how wrong Hollywood was getting it.

To be fair, I only have my experience with panic attacks to relate to. I’m sure other people suffering from panic episodes experience more severe attacks than this. Yet, I’m willing to bet there are also others like me out there. If that’s you, I hope the knowledge of what you might be experiencing can help you better cope with it.

Now that I know I have panic attacks, I somehow feel more prepared to deal with them. When I start experiencing symptoms, I can tell myself, Oh, I’m starting to have a panic attack, rather than be confused by what is happening.

As I mentioned, cold water, deep breathing, and essential oils all have helped me calm down during an attack, but it’s important to find what works for you.

My therapist has been an invaluable resource to me. I don’t make a lot of money, and she’s expensive, but she’s the most important bill I pay. If you struggle with panic attacks or any other aspect of your mental health, please consider therapy.

In the meantime, here are some other great articles by Medium writers about panic attacks (via Michele DeMarco and Jyoti Meena):