It Takes Time To Become Sex Positive
Sexual mantras from an exvangelical.
It’s funny because growing up, I didn’t really know we were evangelical or fundamentalists. I simply knew we were Christian, and that I was expected to believe whatever I was told — first, from my mother, and then from every church I attended, and finally, from the internship cult I joined after high school.
Throughout my various spiritual circles, no one ever said we were anything but Christian. But it’s something I learned once I got out of the very religious bubble. We weren't just Christian. We were fundies.
People who’ve always been on the outside often wonder how intelligent individuals can fall for the unscrupulous practices of fundie leaders and the overzealous authority figures. But indoctrination is a kind of trickery, and it’s especially hard to see through when you’ve been indoctrinated for your entire life.
Exvangelical, former fundies--whatever you want to call us, I don’t think most of us were able to leave until we discovered the reality of spiritual abuse. So… not until it broke our spirits and we understood something was wrong.
For my own part, after one failed marriage, vaginismus, and massive bouts of depression — I needed to believe in sexual freedom. It was something I felt I had to pursue for my own sanity after losing my religion.
And so, in my early twenties, I began to walk away from my former faith to adopt a more positive approach to sexuality.
Of course, as a result of my fundamentalist upbringing, I had a lot to learn — and unlearn — about sex. The following are just some of those lessons.
Sex is good for the body and soul.
Way too many people make hasty and ill-informed life-altering decisions because they’ve been taught that sex is bad. Young people get married just because they want to have sex, but have been taught it’s wrong outside of a marriage. Or they lead secret lives because they’ve been taught that sexual desire is dirty and evil.
In all honesty, safe sex between consenting adults comes with a whole host of benefits. Humans crave and need intimacy. We need to let down our masks and get vulnerable with someone else from time to time.
It’s mentally and physically healthy to experience sexual pleasure and orgasm.
From stress relief, to cancer prevention, building greater bonds, and relieving pain, sex is good for us. To me, embracing these benefits is the beginning of becoming a more sex-positive person.
It’s not my mother’s business if I have sex.
When I was young, I feared that my mom could read my mind. Seriously. Mainly because my mother raised me early on to believe that God spoke to her personally on a level he would never speak to me.
As a result, I feared that she knew anytime I even kissed a boy — which I was petrified to do until I became a sophomore in high school. In fact, one of the few times I kissed a boy in high school, my mom caught it and grounded me. I can safely say she never trusted me again after that. Instead she behaved as if I had done something terrible.
At 15 years old, my mother called me a slut and punished me for kissing a boy. She took away my freedoms and threw away any underwear she thought was too cute or sexy. Years later she accused me of having serious sexual hangups — not realizing (or caring) that I was genuinely so scared to have sex that I couldn't consummate my marriage.
It took me until my mid-thirties to finally get over the guilt of living a lifestyle which my mother calls sinful — all because I might have sex with someone I deeply care for and love.
I am not responsible for anyone else’s lust nor bad behavior.
One common thing everyone taught me growing up was that girls were responsible for provoking men to lust. My mom used all the common phrases like, “men only want one thing,” and she claimed that women “who wore revealing clothes were basically asking to be raped.”
According to her and many of my religious leaders, men can’t help themselves so they can’t stop if we women turn them on. We were taught that we had to dress pretty and feminine, but not in a way that made men “stumble.”
And yes, there were rules and dress codes.
For me, this lesson meant that I also let men push me further than I wanted to go, because I thought I was always to blame for their sexual desires. I didn't feel like I could say no.
These days, I no longer carry the blame for a man who can’t take no for an answer. Nor do I let men push me into anything I don’t want. Every time I choose to have sex, I want it to be mindful and intentional.
Solo sex is natural and beneficial.
I didn’t have an orgasm until I was 31. And hello, I’m 36. People assume it’s because I never masturbated — so I didn’t know what I like. Or they think I’ve only been with the wrong kind of partners.
But I actually began masturbating in high school… I just felt so damn guilty about doing it that I stopped anytime I got close to climaxing. Guilty like I thought I was going to hell or letting demons enter my life.
Once I began to explore sexual relationships in my mid-twenties, I made my partner quit as soon as I got close to orgasm. What can I say? Old habits die hard.
These days, I still “lose” my orgasm from time to time, but I also masturbate guilt-free so I better understand my body and how I respond to various stimuli.
It’s my choice if want to have sex outside marriage.
For my entire life, it was pounded into my head that sex was only good and valid if it was within a marriage. But over time, I discovered first-hand that this simply isn't true. Sex within a marriage can be terrible. Or it can be non-existent. Spouses can leave, die, or simply not care.
When I realized that nothing about sex was genuinely better because of a marriage license, it became easier for me to come to terms with the idea that I want to have sex while I am unmarried. It’s my choice, and I don’t allow myself to feel guilt over it anymore.
Consent is sexy.
My generation really didn’t grow up with the concept of sexual consent. It was definitely not discussed in any church talk, or public school conversations about sex.
Of course, in fundamentalist circles, men lead and women follow. So what was really never a part of the conversation was the idea that I had a voice and could say no.
When I was first exploring my sexuality, I felt pressured or coerced by every guy I dated. I felt like I couldn’t say no if I let it get “too far.” As if “no” would make me a tease. And as if those poor men were suffering because of me.
Now, I love it when a guy cares enough to ask for my consent. A man I date casually right now is wonderful with the issue. When we see each other he’ll ask me for a hug as we say hello. If it’s a brief visit due to our schedules he’ll ask if he can steal a kiss before we say goodbye.
It’s a refreshing — and yes, sexy — change of pace from a history of feeling pressured and coerced. You heard me right. Consent is sexy.
Natural urges do not deserve punishment.
When I was a little girl, my mother used to tell me to “be good” when she tucked me in and said goodnight. Between eight and twelve years old, she’d wake me up in the middle of the night to smell my hands to make sure I wasn't touching myself.
I know that's a super cringey detail to talk about, but this is the kind of thing that happens in a lot of Christian homes.
Basically, my mom thought I was masturbating… before I even knew what that meant. She even made negative comments to me about other family members “playing with themselves.” And it left this huge stigma in my mind about my own sexuality long before I was old enough to understand sex at all.
Maybe most religious families don’t take it that far, but most fundie families do find a way to teach their kids that sexual urges are to be punished — before the kids even have such feelings.
What we should be teaching our kids is that sexuality is normal and perfectly human. We should be teaching them how to handle their sexual urges responsibly, but we can only do that if we approach sex in a positive way.
You can be spiritual or religious and still love sex.
You don’t have to throw out the baby with the bath water after all, folks. Not if you don’t want to. Today, views on sexuality within Christianity have been changing. Take Pastor Bromleigh McCleneghan, the author of Good Christian Sex. And yes, this married pastor and mother of three argues that pre-martial sex is not inherently sinful. When asked why she wrote the book, she said:
I started reading about Christian sexuality and love when I was in my 20′s. And it all said, “Anything that happens before you are married doesn’t matter. Anything that happens outside of marriage is lust and a sin.” And that was so denigrating to all the wonderful experiences I’d had. By the time I got married, I’d been in love three times, and each of my prior relationships was critically important in helping me to become the person that I am today.
McCleneghan isn’t the only Christian to write about spirituality and sex. Rob Bell and Michael D. Coogan have written about God and sex, and Coogan points out that most admonishments against adultery deal moreso with the fact that a wife was her husband’s — or father’s — property in biblical times.
Song of Songs (or Song of Solomon) remains a hotly contested book of the bible as researchers still can’t agree whether or not the couple was married. Honestly? I think it’s hard to believe it’s written about a married couple:
I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My beloved is knocking: “Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.” I have taken off my robe — must I put it on again? I have washed my feet — must I soil them again? My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt. I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer. The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls! Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you if you find my beloved, what will you tell him? Tell him I am faint with love.
-Song of Songs 5:2–8
And let’s not forget the fact that despite the biblical “commandments” that sex is pure only between one man and one women, The Old Testament is full of polygamy, along with men having sex with women who were not their wives.
And concubines, anyone?
Our views on biblical sexuality have long benefited men and left women as mere possessions or objects of temptation. I am no longer a Christian, but a growing number of believers are taking on a more positive view of human sexuality.
Homosexuality is not a sin.
Growing up, my mother often said that being gay was a “slap in God’s face.” I never understood that notion because I could see sexual desire doesn’t work that way. People aren’t taking on a certain sexual orientation out of spite.
This was a difficult issue for me to figure out since it was ingrained in me that homosexuality was wrong from such a young age. But I had gay friends growing up and I could see that conversion therapy wasn’t effective in the least. By the time we were teens, we all struggled with the same mounting guilt about having any sort of sexual desire.
We all felt guilty for the mere existence of our sexual thoughts or feelings.
The way I finally worked out my beliefs? I decided that if I was ever on the fence about an issue, that I would go with the side of love. So that’s what I did.
Today I don’t question for a minute whether homosexuality is right or wrong. I side with love and support equality with a clear conscience.
Kinky sex can be extremely liberating.
Since sex was so taboo in my fundie circles, kinky sex, or anything remotely related to BDSM was completely prohibited and seen as a perversion.
But learning about my personal kinks went a long way to help me heal. Enbracing your natural desires makes you more confident and secure. It helps you learn more about who you really are, and it allows you to become more vulnerable with your partner(s).
About six years ago, when I decided to be much more intentional about becoming sex positive, I began to research BDSM and various kinks. To be honest, I googled everything. How to have sex. How to give a blow job. What an orgasm feels like. Along with every kinky variation.
Everything the church wouldn’t talk about, I made a point to study. And you know what? Slowly but surely, I did finally become sex-positive despite my history of sexual repression and my fundamental Christian education.
Be patient with the process.
At the end of the day, if you’re struggling to break free of negative sexual messages, be patient with yourself. The psychological toll of fundamentalism is no small thing. It took me years to finally become comfortable with my sexuality.
Your miles may vary, but the journey to sexual freedom is well worth the effort.