It Takes Strength to Release a Love You’ve Been Holding Onto So Tightly

Moving on is a difficult transition

I’d never fallen for a guy as hard as I did for my ex-boyfriend.

Never mind he was emotionally distant and prone to brooding silence, I was irresistibly and hopelessly drawn to him. For those who think our relationship had all the ingredients of a toxic cocktail, they aren’t far off the mark.

But falling in love is not a choice. It can happen anywhere, anytime, sometimes even with a random stranger when you expect it the least. That is how it happened to me with my ex. The knowledge that I had a choice in controlling my emotions did not even cross my mind in my eagerness to love this beautiful, broken man.

You see, I was drawn to the pain I sensed in him. A pain I could very well relate to.

What happens when two broken people come together? It certainly does not make for a healthy whole, just a recipe for heartbreak. And yet, I walked into it with eyes wide open because I wanted to be the one to heal that pain in him. To make him whole — to rescue him.

And I failed miserably.

Nevertheless, I held on to my love for him probably because I hadn’t yet discovered the secret to completely erasing someone whom you considered an intrinsic part of you from your mind.

When he chose to abruptly end things, I was devastated. The pain was so immense and bittersweet in its magnitude that I doubted I would ever recover. There were days when I couldn’t summon the energy to get out of bed and days when I wailed out my grief within the close confines of my car on my way to work. Because that was the only place I could have some privacy to let out the anguish I was holding in my heart without being pestered with questions for which I had no answers.

Depression quickly followed and yet, I could never bring myself to hate him or even unlove him because I on some level understood why he left. I understood more than I let on, more than he will ever know.

And because of that, I forgave him. I forgave him for all the angst he caused when he decided to disappear from my life without any warning.

For I knew of the struggle going on within him — the invisible battles he was secretly fighting. And my heart broke all over again for him.

But what could I do? He shut me out completely and moreover put a padlock on the door forever barring my entry into his world. Even then, I set aside my ego and banged on the shutters simply because I knew how much he was hurting. I wanted to hold him in my arms and comfort him despite the hurt I was going through myself.

He pretended he never heard me.

Maybe he thought he was beyond saving. Perhaps he wished to be left alone to wallow in his own personal hell. Or could be he derived some perverse pleasure in knowing how much I still cared for him, a sort of love test to see how long I would last before giving up on him and moving on.

Just like everyone else before me had done.

You see, I knew him and his capacity for all the above. I also know about walls of reinforced steel one can erect around oneself both as a coping and defense mechanism. How can I not know all this when I have often felt like his mirror image?

In the midst of all this upheaval, the one thing I was not expecting was love to walk into my life in the form of someone I considered a friend for the longest time.

I have not entirely healed. I am still grieving from the breakup of my previous relationship and yet I find myself at a crossroads between holding tightly onto a fantasy despite the fact that it will never be a reality and a reality that is waiting for me right at my doorstep.

The thing I don’t understand is why I hesitate to fully give myself over to love even though I can clearly see it will be different this time around. For actions prove I will be treated with love and respect while resting in the assurance that my needs will be cared for without having to broach the subject twice. Moreover, I inherently know that I don’t have to fear them dropping out of my life as unexpectedly as my ex did.

Could my hesitancy be due to a misplaced sense of loyalty or guilt from being able to move on from my ex whom I dreamt of spending the rest of my life with?

I have a strong feeling it is both factors combined with the fact that even though we are physically apart, there is still some level of psychological attachment playing a role in the internal conflict running through my mind.

Sometimes I feel as if I am caught in a liminal space between saying goodbye to a past and looking forward to a future where new beginnings may very well lead to wondrous new chapters in this book called Life.

However, lately, I feel myself leaning more and more towards the latter.

This change could be because of the realization that hurt is not a competition and that I am not doing myself any favors with my unwavering commitment to my ex’s memory.

If I were to take off the rose-colored lens that I tend to view my past relationship, the truth of the matter is that our relationship wasn’t a happy one by far. It was fraught with misunderstandings, petty squabbles, and unmet needs.

A newfound desire to share my life with someone with enough room in his heart to make me feel safe, secure, and loved is my way of saying it is okay to put my needs first, to embrace this second chance at love I have been given and most of all, the fact that I deserve to be happy.