It Is Okay to Have Feelings

As a small child, I used to be too much excited about crackers. My parents would not allow me to fire a whole lot of them, which intensified my desire even more. Nothing could brighten me up more than the thrill of causing lethal explosions, not even a bunch of video games(I was crazy about them too).

I am not a fan of exhibiting intimate emotions, and whenever I see someone do so, a corner of my brain yells ‘don’t be that guy’. I figured this is the voice of my fear of being exposed.

If you are afraid of being excited, then sit back and let your mind wander freely over the associations ensuing from the word ‘excitement’. This is where I come to.

Once I accompanied a group of friends and acquaintances to purchase crackers and stuff from ‘Diwali’ market. I was not buying any myself because I was broke. At the cracker shop, I went gung ho. I asked them to buy this, then buy that, all with such profound exhilaration as if I was to fire them all. One of the guys said, ‘look at Abhik’s face, he’s gone wild.’ I am sure he did not mean it in any bad way. But that day I stepped down from my faith in excitement.

Not just excitement, isn’t shame a powerful emotion too? I am shameful for a lot of things I have done. Some instances blow my head open with fury. I develop hatred for everything, the clothes I wore that day, the place, myself certainly, and everything that reminds me of the incident. Even now, I can only think how stupid and senseless I can be sometimes.

Abhik, Doesn’t it make you sad, being the independent powerful person you are and still being afraid of excitement and shame? Do you still believe that you can expunge these emotions out from your mind? Honestly, I have given up hope. But it does make me sad and angry.

Now if someone remarks on my face letting out too much excitement, I crack up as well. If I have to deal with it anyway why not do it laughing.

Shame is more terrifying though. I have to talk my brain down slowly to recuperate my faith in living. I learned a few things and I try to remind myself:

#1 that my emotions are an elemental part of me. If it comes naturally, then there is nothing to be ashamed of because my contribution to the universe is highest when I am in my element.

#2 that I am only a human after all. Being one is to have imperfections and vulnerabilities. It is natural to confront emotions when one strives for originality.

#3 that emotions cannot be obliterated. One who is void of feelings is devoid of the good things too. My emotions, however bad they might make me feel, are in the end a blessing.

Slowly, compassion and belonging take over my bolting brain. I see how superfluous and wrongly contemptive I have been.

The best way to deal with emotions is to understand its trigger and bring it to light.

The practice of free association flow(that I asked you to do in the beginning) brings forth to our conscience, the triggers of our emotions and unearths its root. Once we do this with compassion, we see that most reasons behind our fear are specious. It was not as bad as the hidden part of our brain insinuated.

Talking and writing about our emotions is a powerful tool. Bringing them to light is like disarming torturous emotions. Brene Brown said that our fear and shame cannot reside if we talk about them.

‘Can I remove all my emotions and be free?’ asked my sister one day(a lot of my inspiration for stories comes from her).

‘I don’t know if we can, but there are other ways to freedom than becoming a rock’

You can understand emotions, talk about them and tell yourself, ‘it is okay to have feelings’.

If you want to fly, give up everything that weighs you down. -Buddha