It Is Not All In Your Head

A recovery story that uncovers ups and downs, tears and laughs stolen, and one that got away from me.

My First Psychotherapy Session

When I see a psychotherapist for the first time, the initial session was nothing but sobs. I went there to prove to everyone I was okay — which was a lie — and underwent my first breakdown with one basic question.

How are you? , she asked me.

I don’t know, I whispered with tears.

That minute I knew something had changed so long ago that I have started to think this is my regular: not knowing how I am.

If you are lucky enough to stay healthy mentally in this crazy world, the challenge of defining your emotions might sound unusual. Yet, it’s a familiar feeling for those who suffer from mental illnesses.

Social Stigma

The community expects from us always to be high functioning, happy, energetic to fit in. Those who can’t pursue the drama are likely to be considered damaged goods. Once you put a mask on your face and wear it long enough, it’s hard to recall the soul behind all these lies.

It took me years, countless panic attacks, confrontations, rebellions to uncover myself again, and I am not willing to lose again anyhow. This is why I am not going to stop talking about it ever.

I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for years now. I’ve learned a lot -maybe even too enough- from the famous “journey.” The funny thing is somehow even the appendix, which has a reputation for being useless for the body, has all the right to be sick, and calls for help by making the pain unbearable, raising the temperature, etc. When you have recovered from some organic disease, everyone wants to hear your recovery story. When the time comes to mental health, the stigma appears on with its famous line:

It is all in your head.

After a little while, I was introduced to the term ”major depression,” I realized some people became distant from that moment. Some stopped responding to my texts anymore, and many ignored my existence in the hallway. As if it is something contagious with talking, they keep a distance. I am surrendering by doctors, scientists, researchers, and everything due to my job. Yet, even for them, I was just making stuff up. The stigma was there like a smack in the eye.

I felt frustrated, helpless, damaged like something is seriously wrong with me. I run for miles under the rain until I can’t feel my legs and soul. I run for miles until I am blue in the face as If I could find my oasis to avoid every piece of me. I had to reach the bottom to stand up and fight against every single feeling that broke me into small pieces back in the days. I have been determined to talk about mental health to broke down prejudices from then on.

Self-Stigma

I was exhausted to strive against the scarlet letter, so instead of facing it, I became my own stigma. I stopped taking my meds and convinced myself it has always been in my head and nothing more.

A part of me always wanted to be an actress, so playing character apart from me couldn’t be that hard, I thought. I did not understand the damage, confusion this play can cause. Like every other illness, the psychiatric approach ranges depending on an individual.

Not every disease should be managed with drugs. Still, If you are on meds for any reason, it would be wise to take your healthcare provider’s advice for your treatment. Medication non-adherence can lead to unpleasant withdrawal symptoms. Complaints could come back even further intense than they were at the launch.

Awaken from peer pressure nightmare

When I realized that my ”friends” talking to me through the stigma, have never been real, I’ve changed my path for good. It was not easy to walk alone then, yet a life-saving decision for sure. I had ups and downs. There are so many times I wanted to give up and put the ”everything is okay” mask on. As I resisted, I became stronger, blessed even more.

Let’s talk about the facts

Is it all in my head?

No, not all.

But surprisingly, some might be.

We, as medical professionals, approach depression in “bio-psycho-social” terms, meaning that they have it as a complex disorder most likely prompted by overlapping biological, psychological, environmental components.

Contributions to blame

• Genetic predisposition

While some genes may enhance risk, it requires other factors to prompt symptoms.

• Neurotransmitters

Low levels of chemical messengers that communicate between neurons in the brain.

• Social influences

History of abuse, poor health, and nutrition, unemployment, civil isolation, or loneliness, the low socioeconomic position can engage a considerable part in the outset.

• Physical health

There are interrelationships between mental and physical health. Organic diseases can lead to mental illness and vice versa.

Treatment choices depend on the severity of illness. Health-care providers may offer psychological treatments such as behavioral activation, cognitive behavioral therapy, and interpersonal psychotherapy or antidepressant medication such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs). There is no shortcut for health, yet at the end of the road will shine again.

Long story short

If you doubt that you may have depression – or things simply don’t feel quite right – it is essential to communicate with your healthcare provider about what you are going through.

Once you put a mask on your face and wear it long enough, it’s hard to recall the soul behind. It took me years, countless panic attacks, confrontations, rebellions to uncover myself again, and I am not willing to lose again anyhow. This is why I am not going to stop talking about it ever.

If you need just talking to someone, I am here for you because I know it is not all in our head.