It Is Like Cocaine
But not as expensive
I was speaking with my middle-aged daughter recently. She was bitching about something at Wal-Mart (the only grocery store in a 75-mile radius). When it comes to Wal-Mart there is always something to bitch about.
When she was done bitching it was my turn. I complained about how the jalapeno peppers and serrano peppers in the Wal-Mart produce department seem to be getting milder and milder. They have almost no hotness to them anymore.
And if that isn’t bad enough, in the Mexican food aisle all the name brand jars of picante sauce and salsas are also too mild. In fact, most of those brands come in mild, medium, and hot but our local Wal-Mart only carries mild and medium of any of those brands. No hot versions. That really pisses me off.
I’ve learned that the Wal-Mart ordering system takes into account regional palates. Here on the Great Plains of Turtle Island, a region that was settled by northern Europeans who had never tasted hot and spicy foods before, no one eats hot and spicy food. So our local Wal-Mart doesn’t carry any. If I went to a Wal-Mart in Texas or New Mexico or even Colorado the aisles would be full of items marked, ‘HOT!’
Seriously, what is the point of even buying a picante sauce unless it is hot? That’s why we eat picante sauce; because it’s supposed to be hot! If there is no hotness to it then there’s no point to it.
Occasionally, our local Wal-Mart will get in one little case of Pace Picante Hot and it will disappear off the shelf within 24 hours. That’s mostly my fault because I’ll buy half the case knowing that it could be months before Wal-Mart gets any more Hot Pace Picante in again. And there is simply no point in buying mild or medium — which essentially have no hotness to them. The hot barely has hot to it.
Once I ate at a Thai restaurant in Ft. Worth, Texas. I couldn’t decide what I wanted so I asked the waiter what the very hottest item was on the menu. He pointed to an entre on the menu. I then asked him if he could guarantee that it really was hot. He nodded. I further elucidated that I wanted it so hot that it would make tears come out of my eyes. He nodded as he chuckled.
It turned out to be one of the most delightful culinary experiences of my life. Tears literally came out of my eyes. The waiter got a fifty percent tip that night.
I happen to have a fire sun sign. Those versed in the ancient science of astrology know that gives me a proclivity for hot and spicy food. I once came in second place in a jalapeno eating contest. My whole life has been a search for a food that is so extraordinarily hot that it throws me into a state of rapture.
My daughter looked at me and said, “Dad, you’re such an idiot!”
It was not the first time she said that.
“Dad, ever since I’ve known you — which is my entire life — you have always eaten extremely hot food. When I was a kid you always had to cook two dinners each evening; one for me and Mom and one for yourself. You would always add tons of jalapenos or super hot green chile peppers to your own dinner…”
“Well, now that I live alone I only have to cook one dinner each night.’
“You have to face the truth, Dad. You are a capsicum addict. You can’t go a day without capsicum, right?”
“Right. Actually, I can’t go more than about eight hours without it.”
“Well, eating hot peppers every day — usually more than once a day — you have, over time, built up an extremely high tolerance for capsicum hotness. What others consider very hot, you consider mild. The more you eat, the higher your tolerance grows and the hotter the foods you eat need to be in order for you to be happy. You’re like a cocaine addict. You have to have it every day and the more you partake of it, the more potent it needs to be in order for you to get off. Admit it, Dad, you’re a capsicum addict.”
My daughter just called me an addict! “I am not a capsicum addict. I am a capsicum connoisseur.”
She rolled her eyes, “Yeah, right. Just remember that the first step in overcoming an addiction is admitting that you have one.”
No! I don’t have an addiction! I don’t have a problem (except when I’m in the produce department at Wal-Mart!). It’s others who have a problem not being able to enjoy the intense pleasures of extreme capsicum hotness.
No! I’m not ready to admit that I have a problem. I’m not hurting anyone. I’m not addicted! I am not addicted!
Thank goodness jalapenos don’t cost as much as cocaine. If they did then that’s when I would have a problem.
Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved. Complete White Feather Archive Index
Speaking of culinary madness…
