Delightful Recharge

It Happened to Me: I Hid My Exhaustion and Collapsed

Duh: Ignoring the Signs Didn’t Mean it Was Going Away

I had just finished an accelerated bachelor’s degree program, which means I was doing back-to-back classes for 18 months straight.

I didn’t do what was advised of me, however. It was recommended that students say goodbye to friends and family. “Tell them you’ll see them soon.” The university knew the rigors of the program and the toll it would take on their students. Me, I thought I was a powerhouse, so I hid underneath my exhaustion as it mounted and mounted, until one day, I just collapsed.

Why was I so intent on creating waves in their wake? What did I have to prove? It might have had something to do with a previous academic experience, which I wrote about here:

But, to be honest, I thought my dream to excel in academia was long gone. I had put it to bed, curled up with my teddy bear, and was doing ok. Or so I thought. And then the once-gone dream to get a Ph.D., and be a smarty pants crept back in. I swatted it away several times, treating it like the nightmare it had been.

Along the way, after my career as a graphic designer and art director came to a close, I pivoted. It felt good and right, but I eventually hit a place in the road where I needed some extra training.

Unfortunately, every program I researched was at a Master’s level. I sat on that for a long while. I didn’t even bring it up with my husband because I knew what he would say. You see, my husband is the fan for the fire. He sits on the sidelines and gently sways the fan back and forth, allowing the fire to stay fueled. When he believes in someone, he becomes an unending fan of the flame.

After many mornings of the quiet whispers encouraging me to fulfill my dreams, I finally gave in. I approached the subject of this mountain with my husband, hoping he would say that his fan was broken or that his wrist was tortured or some such nonsense.

No. His words were something like, “What do you have to lose?”

“Uh-huh,” I said. Secretly I thought that I could lose my sanity or that maybe this was all a silly mistake. I mean, really. Maybe that ogre back years ago (you have to read the story above) was right. Don’t we do that to ourselves — believe in the lies?

A few months later, I found myself enrolled in this Accelerated Program. The beauty of the program is that you’re done in 18 months, and I met some great people along the way. The challenge of the program, especially if you’re a Type A perfectionist (not naming any names), is the structure. You take one class at a time. The class lasts 5 weeks. At the end of every course, you have to turn in a long paper — think 10–12 pages and loads of research. When the class is done, you go right into the next class. This is the schedule for 18 months. Say goodbye to summer, which I did.

A beautiful thing happened when I finished. I made right the wrong that was spoken over me years before. All of this is detailed in the story I shared above. I graduated with honors. Yep. I was one of two people who received an honors award. For someone who thought academia was a far reach, that moment when they called my name and the weeks afterward was like sipping champagne with your friends at the after-party.

And then a not so beautiful thing happened — or so I thought. I decided I would take some time off. In fact, we took a vacation. When I returned from the break, I found myself struggling to get up in the mornings. It’s one thing for you to feel fatigued for one to three days, maybe a week. It’s an entirely different thing when exhaustion becomes a complete collapse. Each morning, my body was plastered to my bed like sheetrock nailed solid into the wall. I knew something was wrong. Since I couldn’t do much, I searched the internet.

To make a long story short, I found a naturopath doctor who worked with people struggling with hypothyroidism. At that point, I had been taking thyroid meds for over 25 years. Soon after my first appointment, the doctor encouraged me to take an adrenal test, which I did. The results were not good. I was in complete exhaustion. Duh. Naturopath doctors refer to this as extreme adrenal fatigue. Medical doctors classify this as Addison’s Disease. The treatment is vastly different on both sides, and I chose the natural path.

For the next six months, I was bedridden. The once long-distance runner, the straight-A student, was flat on her back. Each day I would wait for my husband to get home from work to bring me food. It was a dark time, and depression was knocking loudly at my door during the six months.

As time passed, I was given the opportunity to get away for a month. It was a dream come true. I holed up in a cabin situated on a compound with two other dwellings. One was the owners, a female couple who welcomed me to dinner a couple of nights and showed me around town. The rest of the time, I rested in the quiet and wrote.

At the end of that month, I didn’t want to leave. However, even though my body was not fully recovered, I had rounded a corner for good. I learned a valuable lesson — slow down because nothing should be done in haste, even in school.

Final Thoughts:

My dream to finish a bachelor’s degree was always a dream, but going at a fast pace might not have been the wisest decision. I’m thankful for the people I met and the professors who taught me. It was an experience I will never forget. Of course, the cherry on top was the honors award.

From that experience, I learned that I need to go through life at my pace. If I need to step away from a program, then step away, put it on pause, and return when I am fully able. Those of us who have incurred trauma often operate in survival mode. My years of therapy have taught me that fast is not necessarily healthy.

The other lesson learned in the journey is that it’s good to recharge regularly. Now, I schedule myself for short getaways, sometimes just for the day. I have also learned that recharging includes turning off things like electronics. One day a week, I turn my phone off, and I’m moving towards turning all electronics off on that day — baby steps.

What about you? Leave me a comment and tell me how you recharge.

If you would like to receive an email every time I write an article, please sign up here.

If you are not already a Medium member and would like to join the fun, click here. A portion of your membership will be allotted to me, which will help me to continue doing what I am called to do. Thank you for your consideration.

I am thankful for everyone who stops by to read. I have recently turned to freelance writing as a full-time job. If you’re interested in buying me a cup of coffee, I would appreciate it! Click here.