Israel Makes “Palestine Free, From the River to the Sea” a Reality

Israel grants Palestine’s wish and drives itself into the sea

In a top secret government project Israeli engineers made H.G. Wells’ anti-gravity First Men in the Moon metal cavorite a reality….and floated the state of Israel out into the Mediterrenean, out of range from Hamas’ and Hizbullah’s rockets.

Concurrently, the Israeli government announced a unilateral ceasefire and offered to withdraw from Gaza if Hamas released all its hostages. Israeli troops massed on the beach to await pickup by the Israeli navy and US aircraft carriers since there was no more land route home (Merkava tanks are a versatile platform, but don’t float).

Objections to Israel granting the “Palestinians’”* fondest wish, that the Jewish state be driven into the sea arose from several quarters:

• The Palestinian Authority condemned the move as unilateral land theft — a Nakba 2.0 — since Israel floated the western wall and several of East Jerusalem’s Jewish neighborhoods out to sea. The P.A. also complained that Israel had turned the Dome of the Rock into the much less sacred sounding Dome of the Beach. This caused Danish and Dutch newspapers to publish cartoons of Mohammed ascending to heaven kitesurfing in a wetsuit with the archangel Gabriel as the kite, triggering protests in the Nordic countries, France, the Netherlands and Germany, and the usual flag-burning riots all over the Muslim world.
• Israel’s Haredi sects condemned the move as not part of God’s plan for the Promised Land. The government should have waited for the Messiah to flip the switch on the Big Float out to sea. God may have parted the waters of the Red Sea for the Israelites. But that plan didn’t include Israeli engineers moving that land from where God had put it.
• Rebbes in Mea Shearim, Brooklyn, Spring Valley, NY and Golders Green, London spent hundreds of hours Talmudicating the Big Float by cavorite question. As usual with famously fractious Jews, there were more opinions than Rebbes. Secular Jews joked that Rebbes and economists shared one trait: you could lay every one of them end to end around the world and still not reach a conclusion.
• Israel’s Arab citizens protested that the move would make visiting their relatives in the West Bank more costly and difficult.
• Egypt condemned the move since it gave Jordan a direct competitor to the Suez Canal by creating an Aqaba Sea much bigger and wider than the narrow accident-prone canal. Jordan and the global shipping industry licked their chops thinking of all the money they’d make from Red Sea to Med transit fees. With the Gulf of Aqaba opened up to the Med and Israel’s port of Eilat floating in the Med, Jordan now had one side of the widest canal on earth. Egypt stewed on its Sinai side while the Dead Sea came alive and drained into the newly widened and renamed Aqaba Sea. Real estate prices in Aqaba doubled within days.
• Mantak, the company manufacturing Israel’s Merkava battle tank, immediately announced layoffs since Israel would now be an island. The CEO announced the layoffs with one caveat: it could turn its factory into a shipyard if it got a contract to build up Israel’s navy.
• Hamas condemned the move putting Israel’s Jews out of reach and making its tunnel network utterly useless. Inshallah, it would find a way to float Gaza out to sea within reach of its rockets made from EU-donated pipes.
• On the other hand, Hamas’ long suffering human shields cried “Allahu Akbar” as they passed out sweets celebrating its Israeli neighbor’s safe distance.
• Israel’s more secular Arab citizens, chanted “alhandasat al’iisrayiylia (Israeli engineering) akbar” while they passed out sweets to celebrate getting their family and friends floated out of range of Hamas’ and Hizbullah’s rockets. Many Israeli Arabs were part of the top secret project’s engineering team. They’re already half of Israel’s pharmacists and doctors and had a judge on the Supreme Court that had jailed former PM Ehud Olmert for corruption. So why wouldn’t they have the top engineering talent to be on the top secret Big Float project.
• Iran offered Hizbullah rockets of sufficient range to reach the new offshore Israel, but told Hamas that its sanctions-busted economy couldn’t afford to give it submarines to sink a floating-in-the-Med Israel.
• The US, the UK, the rest of the Anglosphere and the EU welcomed the Israeli move and said, “we wish Israel a peaceful future in its old promised land in a new location.”
• Pope Francis asked the Israeli government why the Church of the Holy Sepulchre hadn’t been moved with the rest of Israel. Christians had never envisioned the church becoming a beachfront property.
• The Russian Orthodox church’s patriarch complained about their church being left behind with the “Palestinians”*. From their floating Promised Land Russian Jews snickered that it was payback for pogroms and the Pale of Settlement Tsarist era Jews were forced to live in.
• The Syrian and Lebanese governments condemned the move as unilateral Israeli land theft of the Golan. Hizbullah rocket crews faced unemployment in a devastated Lebanese economy. But landowners living along the former border celebrated their properties becoming Mediterrenean beachfront as alluring as the Cote d’Azur or the Amalfi coast.

Meanwhile on the credit side of the Big Float ledger:

• Israeli hotel and real estate developers popped champagne corks at the prospect of Israel’s entire eastern border of >500 km going coastal in the eastern Mediterrenean temperate zone. But Cypriot and Turkish hoteliers were instantly worried about the new competition.
• The Saudis approved the move and said they were ready to resume normalization talks now that Israel had ended the occupation of the West Bank. The issue of Israel’s West Bank settlements was now settled by the Big Float out to sea. In any case they’d occupied only 4% of West Bank land. The Saudis said they wouldn’t quibble with Israel about the land swap offers of the Camp David Clinton Parameters of July and December 2000 and the Ehud Olmert offer of 2008 now being taken off the table by the Big Float into the Med.
• Hamas’ Qatari sponsors pulled the financial plug on the terror group and sent its leaders in Doha packing back to a devastated Gaza to face the wrath of the human shields they could no longer offer “pay to slay” pensions to.
• Saudi, Kuwaiti, UAE, Omani and Qatari investment funds piled into the newly offshore Tel Aviv stock market. Their share buys, along with western funds, sent the TA100 index up by 15% in a day after the Big Float Black Swan. Tel Aviv Stock Exchange Ltd (TASE.TA) rose even more, by 27%.
• They especially snapped up the index’s tech stocks, recently beaten down by the now ended Gaza war. With their employees newly demobilized, their profits — and share prices — promised to rise sharply.
• Those five Arab states’ venture funds also piled into Israeli tech startups whose valuations had crashed during the war. Iran, Fatah and Hamas condemned them for polluting their Islamic identity by giving Jews money and said it was all part of the Elders of Zion plot for Jews to control world finance.
• Two UAE funds that had big short positions on Israeli stocks went bust, while Israel’s securities regulator said there was nothing to the rumors of suspicious long futures trades placed just days before the Big Float floated share prices skyward even higher than the state.
• Publicly traded Israeli REITs (real estate investment trusts), handed the Big Float’s double gift of peace and Israel’s coastline lengthened by 500 km, rose even more. They issued ever more expensive shares to fund expansion plans. The Big Float Bubble was on and showing no signs of popping.
• The editors of the Oxford dictionary said they would review their definitions of “indigenous people”, “indigeneity” and “ethnic cleansing”, which never contemplated land in lieu of people removal.

The Williamsburg Project, or colloquially, The Jews’ Cruise

The Netanyahu government disclosed the name of the top-secret project that had transformed Israel into a Mediterrenean island state. They called it “The Williamsburg Project”, which muted orthodox objections and was sure to get Bibi, Israeli politics’ Houdini, more Haredi votes, and a stay of judicial execution, even if he pulled ahead of Trump in the indictments race.

In response to all the objections, the renamed Offshore Jerusalem Post headlined:

The Jews’ Cruise to Peace

Separation wall becomes Palestine’s from the river to the seawall

World Reaction to Sudden Shock Peace

The Chinese government called Israel’s move even more innovative than China’s Great Wall. But China secretly feared Taiwan might use Israel’s technology to float further out to sea, sinking all Chinese hopes for reunification. Rumors swirled that South Korea’s government was contemplating a similar strategy to get away from Big Kim and his nukes. In fact, every state with an inconvenient neighbor started contingency planning for a Big Float of their own.

A Big Float route to sovereignty for the stateless?

Stateless peoples around the world speculated about how they could use Israel’s Williamsburg Project technology to attain unilateral independence:

• Muslim Kashmiri separatists in India.
• Spain’s Catalans and Basques.
• Sri Lanka’s defeated Tamils.
• The Kurds in Turkiye, Syria, Iraq and Iran.
• Sudan’s Darfuris.
• China’s Uighurs and Tibetans.
• Russia’s Tatars, Bashkiris, Yakuts, Kalmyks, Karelians, Dagestanis, Chechens, Buryats bearing the brunt of its Ukraine war casualties.

But the buzz in Corsica, Sardinia and Sicily said turning a territory into an island wasn’t a quick fix for centuries of governance failure. Israel designed the Williamsburg Project’s cavorite anti-gravity float away technology to bring peace to an already sovereign, successful seaside state, not sovereignty to stateless peoples or remedy pre-existing state failure.

Nevertheless, several independent states bordering Russia asked Israel about licensing the technology to make a Big Float risk reduction move: the Baltic States, Ukraine, Moldova, Georgia, Armenia. Georgia or Armenia could easily float and fit into the Black Sea, but not both. Russia worried that Ukraine could use Israel’s Big Float tech to move Ukraine 150 km into the Black Sea, out of range of all but Russia’s most costly missiles.

Putin warned Israel not to license its Big Float tech to Ukraine, while the US offered Ukraine financing to do exactly that. The rumor mill had Russia mulling the benefits of Georgia and Armenia making their Big Float moves first before Ukraine could. Potential seeds of future conflict and were already sprouting while the Big Float set in motion big political tremors, which is what we’ll see next. Watch this out to sea space.

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*Why I put ”Palestine”* and “Palestinians”* in quotes with an asterisk: its own leaders confessed the cosplay nature of Palestinian identity: