avatarEllie Salvaje



Israel Defense Force Apologizes for Open Firing on Palestinians, Claiming It Mistook Them for Jews

“Sorry, our bad.”

Photo by Taylor Brandon on Unsplash

The people the Jews needed to fear the most wasn’t Hamas or Nazis. It was the Jews themselves.

The Israel Defense Force (IDF) was condemned for open firing on innocent Palestinians who were rushing out in the open to retrieve food from air convoys and trucks. More than 100 Palestinians died trying to get food for their families. Or as Hamas calls it, a feel-good chick flick.

IDF originally defended their attack by blaming Palestinians for escalating chaos through toppling food trucks over and shoving and trampling each other. Their “winner-take-all” mentality was as dangerous as Jewish settlers when they saw occupied Palestinian land for the first time.

Surprisingly, the IDF Chief of Staff Herzi Halevi apologized.

“We Israelites open fired on unarmed civilians because we felt threatened. Even though we have guns. That action should make us excellent American police officers.

“However, we acted out of fear. Had we been more observant, we would have realized that we didn’t even kill a single Jew.”

Halevi shook his head.

“This is a tragedy. We may be a military force for Israel. Nevertheless, we’re so good at killing Jews that we put Hamas and the Nazis to shame.

“Look at our track record! IDF killed 3 Israel hostages on friendly fire. This act was so barbaric that prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu called it the second coming of the Holocaust.

“We also killed fellow Israelite Yuval Castleman. Even though Castleman defended Jerusalem from Hamas by killing Palestinian fighters. The hero died because our militia is full of teens and young adults who have yet to reach puberty. Many of them were promoted to senior positions, even though their tactical strategies involve going full Rambo on anything that moves!

“So when we all saw a mob toppling over a food truck, we thought they were unruly Israel settlers. How were we supposed to know they were Palestinians? They were as tanned as Jewish teenage settler Ahuvia Sandak. Who we hunted down on car and killed him for violently harassing Palestinians.

“We sincerely apologize for killing innocent people. We promise to help out their families through our thoughts and prayers.”

We asked Halevi why he wanted to kill his own people. Halevi glared.

“Don’t you DARE associate me with these Jewish settler trash! These settlers are the WORST kind of Jews! I toiled night and day for a house, whereas a settler can get one for free by squatting in a Palestinian home.

“For Yahweh’s sake, IDF withdrew from Gaza in 2007 and evicted Hebron in 2008. That alone should have kept the peace with Palestine. But noooo! Israel settlers were mad that they had to follow the rules. They attacked the IDF with paint and eggs! What kind of preschool temper tantrum is this? I didn’t join the military so I can babysit grown adults. Else, I would have become a politician.

“Even Israel’s then-prime minister Ehud Olmert condemned their 2008 attacks in Hebron. He even claimed that their burning of Palestinian homes and olive groves made him ashamed to be a Jew. These settlers are so barbaric that Adolf Hitler would be seen as a humanitarian!”

Halevi slammed his palms and muttered.

“Far-right Zionists have humiliated Israel so bad that I wouldn’t be surprised if these morons planned to storm Jerusalem on January 6th. Make Israel Great Again my ass.”

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Thanks for reading!

If you desire black comedy and political humor, see my profile’s Table of Contents page.

If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to binge all my content in one day, subscribe to me.

Seriously. Please follow me. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.

Recommended from ReadMedium