Isn’t She Lovely

I want to trust you.

I want to hold you.

I want you to think of me.

I want you to know how much you can be cared for,

How much you could be almost loved.

Almost…

Remember that time you said you’d stay then left me in the abyss

To wander and savor the little memories we made together.

What did I do wrong?

I’ve always known that I give too much, but this time

I understand the pain.

This pain of growth feels like it could destroy me, but I know

That I should endure this pain instead of something toxic

But you… you were dressed as such a beautiful angel,

A mistaken gift.

I hate these lessons from the universe.

Inside myself I am screaming, how could you let this intruder in?

You’ve been attacked and your walls won’t be fixed with bandages this time.

“Rebuild your walls with concrete,” I tell myself.

Do you remember when I told you I was hurting?

You weren’t ready and we both couldn’t make it through.

If we crossed a river to seek some joy on the other side of the bank, we’d both be drowning. All I can think about now is drowning with you.

Don’t say the things you’ve said.

Don’t you dare give me samples of the best you and

then never come back!

If you are hurting,

I cannot fix your aching,

but I could always try to soothe it.

You climbed inside me,

crashed right into my world and now I’m lost.

At least it feels that way.

I could probably sit here and feel guilty, overthink if this was my fault.

So it seems this bridge between us hasn’t been burnt yet, but it’s definitely made of matches.

The worse part about all of this is that I will sit awake, wide-eyed waiting for you, with open arms, for a very long while.

It would be nice if you missed me.

It would be nice if people like me weren’t fools.

It would be nice if these things worked out without any kinks.

It would be nice if you know yourself better.

It would be nice if we both weren’t hurting.

It would be nice if the pain and memories of you didn’t linger, but it will..

And I know it.

We aren’t stupid, we both see it coming in like the tides during a hurricane.

But you and I,

people like you and me,

we hurt and never want to be alone.

Isn’t that lovely to ache,

and never know how to fix the pain without losing each other for our own good?

How fuckin lovely?