Chronic Loneliness

Or am I’m just happy being alone?

Recently, my cousin texted to check up on me. He’d wanted to come over from Oregon to where I am in Missouri because he didn't want me to be alone during my semester break. He asked, “How are you? Have you been alright?”

Until his question, I never thought I wasn't okay being alone. Then clicked in my mind: have I been lonely but I just never realized it? But what does feeling lonely feel like?

I turned to Google search with “signs of loneliness” and clicked on the first one. Let’s go through the list together:

What are the main signs and symptoms of chronic loneliness?

Inability to connect with others on a deeper, more intimate level.

Yes. I haven't been. I don't actually feel much connection with people at all.

I blame it on the demographics; 21-year-olds are all about parties and drinks. I’m a 26-year-old, married, and my mind is all about making money, and how I should raise my future kid.

No close or “best” friends.

I never had many friends, to begin with. But this is probably my fault because I’m just not the kind to check up on people.

I have people who check up on me from time to time and I really appreciate it. But sometimes, even those short catch-ups drain me. I kind of feel bad about it.

The overwhelming feeling of isolation regardless of where you are and who’s around.

I wouldn't say it’s overwhelming; I kind of enjoy it. I like working on my own things, and I don’t like how sometimes I’d have to consider what the other person wants when I'm not alone.

But maybe this is a developed behavior from being alone so much of the time?

Negative feelings of self-doubt and self-worth.

I don’t doubt my self-worth. I know I work hard, and I can succeed if I put my mind to it.

This sounds like some form of depressed feeling, which I might have felt when I first came back to the US again. People describe feeling depressed like it is a heavy cloud above your head, and I guess it felt like that back then. But now that it’s been 5 months in, I think I’m doing okay.

The one thing I realize though, I’m not enjoying working out as much as I used to.

When you try to connect or reach out, it’s not reciprocated, and you’re not seen or heard.

I hardly reach out to anyone. This ties back to my earlier answers about friends and reaching out.

Maybe I just never tried to, and maybe I should.

Exhaustion and burnout when trying to engage socially.

Yes, but is this not because of introversion?

I realize it is hard to differentiate between these signs and symptoms from my personality. I have always been one to effectively adapt to my situations given time. Not sure if this is a bad thing in this context.

Being alone definitely means I’m losing out on opportunities that come with networking, as well as the health benefits. I’ve always known that mental health can only be dealt with if you recognize the symptoms of it, but in this case, I wouldn't even be able to recognize it.

I wanted to share my knowledge through writing with whoever wants to read it. What if my desire to start writing emerged because I’m actually lonely?

Maybe this is a lesson to everyone out there; while being satisfied being alone is crucial to self-love, it’s important to maintain some level of social interaction with people to be a complete person.

Or maybe, it’s because I’ve reached the epitome of being alone and productive. If so, perhaps I should be sharing how I did it.