Is There Money In Anxiety?

This is my fourth or fifth attempt at writing this. I didn’t want to be too preachy about politics, ironically. I will discuss how politics has impacted my life, of course, but I don’t expect you to cry for me. And then I will bridge it to how I view the impact as a small part of a metastasizing issue here in the US. My point is: there is an anxiety that comes from politicians, and if they really want to create a healthier society, maybe they’d behave better?

I was enjoying my career as a teacher. I had excellent rapport with the students, their families, teachers, and administration alike. I was making myself regularly available outside of school hours to help my kids and their families. I was also teaching English as a Second Language at the local community college. It was a great, bustling time for me.

Then came 2011. A new Wisconsin governor (and really a tsunami of elections in his party to give him nearly free reign to do his bidding) ushered in sweeping changes to the profession I once loved.

Again, I know some of you may applaud parts or all of these changes. I, for one, wasn’t particularly upset about the union-busting part**. I was the union representative for my school during much better times. The meetings were regularly held as if to give a reason to gossip about trivial things. There were legitimate issues with building safety is places, but in general things were going well and people were happy. (By comparison, and in a very telling moment, when we had packed and tense meetings after the new 2011 legislation, union members were very confused about which politicians were pro- and anti- union.)

I was a little more upset about losing money due to these changes. My then-wife and I were both public school teachers, so our finances were going to be adjusted by 20%, and not in the direction we’d like. We had to cancel subscriptions we enjoyed until that point, and companies were confused about that. (See, when people make more money, they are free to spend it. I don’t know why this is a hard concept.)

But the most upsetting part was the vitriol. And wow, was there vitriol! I lost relationships with many friends and family members due to politics. I felt slapped in the face by many on social media when I tried to explain my piece. There were kind dissenters, and then there were gaslighters and venomous gloaters. It got so bad, I would refuse to admit my profession in public.

“So, what do you do?”

“I’m a teacher.”

“Oh, so you’re a part of the liberal teacher union, lazy, and living of the public teat?!”

“Oops. I’m sorry. I meant I’m a drug dealer.”

“Oh! An entrepreneur, then! It’s nice to meet a self-motivated businessperson.”

Well, ok, the second half of that conversation never took place. But that is the way it felt. Suddenly, I was the bad guy. I was responsible for all of society’s problems because I did my best to help the public and wanted to be paid for it.

What followed was an increase in what I now know as anxiety. Because of a significant reduction in take-home pay, coupled with a spy-like suspicion of anyone, our public appearances declined. My drinking increased. My sleep decreased. And because of that, my intake of sleep-inducing medication also increased.

After months of taking PM pills every night to help me through this, I ended up in the hospital with a bleeding stomach ulcer. I nearly died.

In the following years, I made a move to a public charter school (there was a significant increase in those due to the legislation). I consider this to be one of the worst mistakes of my career. I’ve never been as happy as I was at my previous school, and there always seemed to be a threat from administration and other opportunistic teachers feeling like they had to police each other. I’ve witnessed, as early as last week, good teachers getting pushed out of their schools to make room for administrator’s friends. **This is where I later understood why my original apathy toward the union-busting provisions were misguided.

My anxiety became a snowball, and then a glacier. From political stress to vocational stress to personal stress, I became ineffective at times- just too frozen to take action. It affected my job, and soon my marriage. When that went under, it affected my assets. I tried to sell the house, but it wouldn’t sell. A whole new anxiety emerged just from my perceived stigma about being stuck with this property.

I was a wreck.

Well, I want to stay on topic here, so I will say I’m doing better now. Most, but not all, of my situations have improved significantly, in no small part due to therapy and CBD oil (yeah, CBD oil!). I still struggle with anxiety. In fact, it’s become habitualized, and there are days when I wake up feeling anxious for no reason. That’s what anxiety disorder is.

And maybe I can place some of the blame on the political events that shaped it for me, but there and many other people out there who went through the same ordeals, and did not suffer the anxious problems I did. Some of its on my bad habits. And some of it is natural faulty wiring of the brain. To what degree, we may never know. But again, I don’t want anyone to cry for me. I know not everyone will align themselves politically with me anyway.

But we want to be a productive society. It’s in our best interest. Creating situations where people struggle with their craft because they have to worry about so much more is not a good recipe.

When my life unraveled, I did place blame on others. But I’m not one to act out. I would never harm anyone; the guilt on top of the anxiety I already possess would crush me. Unfortunately, there are people out there who would be willing to exact revenge, or just make a bold statement, and we’ve seen this anxiety manifest itself in extreme and tragic cases lately (not just lately, honestly this has been happening since the dawn of time, but it seems more prevalent lately).

Yet, when given the opportunity to support sweeping gun legislation recently, one Wisconsin senator (why is it always Wisconsin?) balked, arguing that banning certain weapons won’t deter a criminal from obtaining the desired weapon (I agree-were too gun-saturated), but instead we should focus on helping individuals with the mental issues and anxiety that prompts them to commit such acts (I also agree- but then we should do something about it!!!)

There is inaction in our politics, yet again, over gun control. That’s bad, but arguably even worse- there is inaction in our politics, yet again, over mental health. This is far from the first time this has been discussed.

All of this bickering makes me think that there people totally happy with- maybe even profiting off of- people bickering at each other. Division is a time-tested war strategy, and confusion is good for business. Would it be a stretch to claim that there are parts of our population genuinely interested in keeping our anxiety alive?

Maybe these politicians are banking on our unhappiness to keep their careers alive. It’s worked for the news networks. I truly believe that the once-beloved networks known as MTV, VH1, The History Channel, National Geographic, and The Learning Channel, among others, gave in to this when they realized that “reality” shows get better ratings than educational programming and music videos. Look at what happened to our presidency (yeah, I know, I’m being partisan here). We not only elected a reality show participant, but the guy took reality show politics into the government itself!

So, in a way, it’s our fault for driving the market like this, and it’s a precursor to our current political environment. It also makes our blood boil, causes divisions, and, in extreme cases, violence. But it also benefits some.

Meanwhile, my therapist, who bristled at my admission that I enjoyed taking CBD oil to help my anxiety, ended our last session with, “I think you’d be a good candidate for some anti-anxiety pills”.

No thanks, let’s end this cycle. It begins with us being cool to each other. I hope that’s not too much to ask for.

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