Is There Anything Good That Can Come From Men?
An exploration on gender relations
Ever since I read this article that Lishoné published, I have spent most of my reading time going through every article she’s written, that of other writers (men and women) that write about men, thinking about men’s affairs, our roles, and relations with women.
Therefore, excuse me if I reference Lishoné a lot in this article because whereas other women tend to write sparingly, she doesn’t. And I think that the clarity and rawness with which she voices her issues about men is what many women feel makes sense if I get the references from the clearest channel.
Many women seem fed up with men. Well as the reasons are pretty much the same, those reasons are also entirely spread across various polarising opinions and I hope that we shall be exploring some of those in this article.
The redefinition of love and relationships
I've already written about love in the dating world but my literature there is far from what actually happens in real life or what actually many women have written about.
Whereas my arguments are centered around connecting with people on an individual level beyond the bells and whistles of physical attributes and possessions, the reality, even that which is written about is that attributes and possessions come at the forefront of these discussions.
Infatuation is still the leading factor when it comes to men considering whether or not to date someone.
It's harder for me to know what that one thing is for women but many articles I have been reading from women seem to suggest things to do with safety and stability. — And maybe infatuation to some extent as well.
From these articles, safety and stability show up differently as you listen to women’s priorities in the relationship pool.
Safety may mean “familiar” in the sense that, this is what the woman knows whether it is good or bad for her and her choices may be made to reflect that. Safety also may mean the literal sense of safe, like, the woman evaluates her potential date on how likely he is to be a murderer. That kind of safe.
Stability mostly has to do with possessions and many female writers like Lishoné have made it clear that this is very important in their considerations. Jacqueline Atulip wrote about why women value men with resources and this informs her decisions and cements her priorities in considering men with resources. — Many women do. Many men do too.
This reality in which relationships are defined and can actually be reduced to a dollar figure is going to be our first consideration in evaluating whether anything good can come from men.
The expectations women place on men
My personal observation is that in almost all domains of societal functions, higher expectations are mostly placed on women. Actually, many of the expectations that society places on women tap into things that are out of their control.
For instance, beauty, size or body types, emotional passivity, and so many others are some of the most common expectations that society places on women. Also, the standards are really high when compared to what can be considered acceptable. Oftentimes, compromises are points of vicious conflict.
Men do not have that as much. The expectations that are placed on men are for the most part within the men’s control.
Like having money for instance. It is the most important expectation that Lishoné and other women who write about men’s issues talk about. But in reality, this is not unattainable if someone were to do the work.
Of course, I write this knowing that I am broke as fuck and still live with my parents at 28-years-old. According to Lishoné and many other women who call out shitty male behavior, broke men like me are the scum that’s wrong with men today.
These women feel and stand strongly behind these statements quite simply because much more is expected of women. The reality is that the factors that women must overcome to get to the top are not the same for men. Women have it worse.
An average woman will expect much more from herself and the world around her compared to an average man because this is how society has trained both genders.
I am not going to detail what women go through but I can only say that in their perspective, given the contrasts of what men go through Vs what they have to go through to achieve the same result, to them, there is no reason why men should fall short.
Fair reasoning.
Bill Burr makes a point for the men in his comedy show. By no means are men’s expectations easy. Some of them are really hard too. But when you build a culture where you place unrealistically high expectations on women, it's hard not to make your own roles look like a joke.
Negation and gaslighting of men’s ideas and men
Women who call out shitty male behavior always do something close to gaslighting men or negating their ideas. It always comes in definitive statements that leave no room for men with contrasting views to weigh in on the issue.
The purpose of these gaslighting phrases is to invalidate any man’s opinion that opposes the woman’s narrative.
For instance, someone said that women desire men with resources, and she ended the phrase by telling men to make more (resources…money) or shut up.
Oftentimes, when women have strong opinions about something, they make sure that they end the statement with a phrase that will thwart contrasting opinions.
My sister for instance hated the time when all I thought about was to become a priest. She didn’t want me to become a priest. Even though she is religious, she would always make statements that would invalidate any of my efforts to contribute to the conversation.
I see it even in articles of women that are about keeping men accountable.
Lishoné for instance will call men weak if they oppose her statements. Ok, given how much I admire the courage and tone of her articles in speaking her truth, I can also say she uses that statement to stop men from hurling insults at her in the comment section. — Genius, or maybe it's just me trying to avoid being called weak. I don’t know which is which.
If the latter is the case, this thing of avoiding such conflict and/or keeping their emotions in that men do is not good for them. Again, this is only addressing people’s wellbeing. — In this case, men.
No one, however well-meaning can ever have a thoughtful discussion that is intended to address the weakness of another person if there is no exchange and consideration.
Beliefs are examined and probably changed when all perspectives are listened to, understood, and weighed against each other.
Masculine and Feminine entitlement
I may be a lazy block who sits on my broke ass all day and because of that, you may be right in saying that I am an example of what's wrong with men or you may warn other women to stay away from people like me. That's fair. What's not fair is thinking that all other broke men are lazy blocks without listening to their perspectives.
In my case, I don’t feel the need to explain myself. I am in this position because of decisions I have made in my life but I know absolutely nothing about why other people may be broke. I may think I know, but I don’t.
Much of what negation and gaslighting people does is to cause them to withdraw among other things. Those emotions and struggles are held deeply and serve as foundations onto which they build their life.
Men for example will associate money with value or appeal. They will make more of it (legally or illegally)and boost their egos in the process. They become so wealthy and their egos become just as big. They lose respect for other people and feel like they can treat them the way they like.
This ego makes them treat women poorly and makes them feel like they are entitled to any woman they want just because they have the appeal factor.
Also, it's here that I need to mention this. The goal when it comes to getting what they want from women is the appeal factor. Money is just a means. This, therefore, means that whatever gets them that appeal factor will be just as good as money. And the ego will be just as bad. Therefore, you will also find broke men with shit-faced entitlement treating women horribly too.
Entitlement is nothing but feeling like you have the right to something. If you keep telling men that women will value them because of having resources, then you have to prepare for those that have the resources to feel like they earned the right to treat women the way they want.
I’ve already seen men making this argument.
In Jacqueline’s article, some men commented that if men get the money, then women should not complain when they decide to leave them for younger and hotter women.
This comment of telling women to become hotter or shut up was meant as a rebuttal to Jacqueline’s article telling men to make more money or shut up. But it is also littered with traces of entitlement in it.
Women also have the entitlement on their part. That is why “standards or dating classes or leagues” exist. If women are or become conventionally desirable, they too will have that entitlement to some degree.
But the feeling that you earned your right to have a relationship with someone is never a good idea.
Men are more aggressive in that if that entitlement is not recognized, inhumane violence may occur. But even in the case of women, if they feel like they worked hard to be there, that entitlement might not just stop when they get the relationship they think they want. They may look for better men with more “resources”.
Yes, it's healthy to hold people accountable and call out lazy behavior in them. It's a catalyst for change. But I think it's a whole different narrative when that is the basis on which relationships are built. Because in any case, you can get that from just about anyone.
Yes, I understand that women should not give birth to broke men’s children or whatever as these articles suggest and I really want to weigh in here with a strong perspective, but I can’t — given that I am the broke man being talked about in these discussions and I’ve been told we (broke men) have no dog in this fight.
All I can say is that I do not think it's a wise idea to intrinsically build entitlement at the foundation of your relationships if you are concerned about improving gender relations. How you choose to navigate that, I have no idea.
Women’s choices to remain single
The motivations are different but at the core of it all also speaks to men’s reasons for abandoning relationships as well.
A breakdown in the way we relate to each other must not be celebrated. If women are choosing to remain single because they hate men, the world is in danger.
Hate is a strong word.
Leave alone the idea of voicing it as a frustration. Holding it as a conviction and finding comfort in it over coffee? That is deep hatred. The type of hatred that can make people do horrible things.
The number of women holding this belief is growing. This means that men have not changed at all in the way they treat women. If someone can hate every last man on the planet with a deep conviction, they must have gone through some of the worst and unimaginable horrors at the hands of men.
The collective relationship health between men and women is frailing. That may be because our foundations of relationships are built on vanity metrics where people no longer see the unique personality of each individual.
We are choosing simple stuff like beauty, money, status, and so on while ignoring the enduring qualities of an individual. The simple stuff can be got from just about anyone which means that not much value is placed in any individual because of how abundant their appeal factor is.
I here science is cutting out the need for men in contributing to the birth process. The real questions are;
- If that is true, what will nature need men for in the future?
- If women seed so much hate for men, what will stop a gendercide from happening at some point?
Is there anything good that can come from men?
Of course, there is. But the real rising question is that at what cost are women and the world at large realizing this cost.
With all things we men do to women, it is increasingly becoming hard to make worthwhile arguments in support of men’s good.
Men seem to make no effort to change the horrible things being done to women. There are so many Bill Cosbys or R-Kellys that are part of each and every community.
I cannot speak for women given how little I know about their lives but if so many women around the world are voicing the same concerns, those concerns must be true, a horrible reality if it is so.
We have somehow successfully integrated so much toxicity into virtually all masculine ideals and therefore, every good expression of masculinity comes with a huge element of toxicity.
Men who want to get rid of this toxicity don’t know how to do this. So many lean more into the feminine virtues. That is why there are so many talks about the feminization of men floating around.
I guess the question about whether or not there is anything good that can come from men comes down to two things.
- How much are men willing to change the way we treat women for the better?
- How much are men and women willing to repair the collective relationship we have with each other through unity and forgiveness?
- How much are men and women willing to stop projecting expectations onto each other as the primary point of relationships?
These are not simple questions at all. They are questions that should be addressed not just at individual levels but at also cultural and global levels.
And I do not think getting rid of men is the answer. Reductive ideas are never the answer and I think there is a good reason why natural principles always come in binaries — gender is no exception.
Therefore, thinking that men don’t need women or women don’t need men is delusional and unhelpful in your quest to have a meaningful and happy life. Reductive theories always promise us that things will be better only if we get rid of something but time and time again, we know this is never true.
And I think it is up to every individual to do the work that is needed to improve this collective relationship we have with other people. If that happens, natural selection will naturally come to our aid in helping humanity get rid of stubborn weevils.
Therefore, love whoever you like as you work on embodying better beliefs, treat people better to reduce the collective world trauma, contribute in the best way you know to heal what's broken in you and the world around you.
Trust me, you can’t handle the trauma of getting rid of an entire gender. These questions and hate harboring practices are not helpful.
