Is There a Perfect Time to Express Our Emotions?

Sometimes when we let our emotions dictate, we worsen the situation.

“The sign of an intelligent people is their ability to control their emotions by the application of reason.”

— Marya Mannes

In management school, I took part in a competition. My first competition ever, and with all the hard work and the support from the universe, my team won the regional round. We couldn’t win the national contest, but that didn’t matter as it taught me some of the most vital life lessons.

Naturally, winning the regional round meant everyone in college knows you exist. Teachers, admin staff and students across all departments know that you brought laurels to the college. But what it also got me was fame. It was a type that I wasn’t used to, and I took it in my stride.

As the competition fever died down, what didn’t die down was the cold behaviour of my classmates. For some reason, they thought I thought too much about myself and thus had about three friends. I wouldn’t mingle with others as I tried; it would upset me further. And so, I kept to myself most of the time and yet participated in all group discussions and presentations.

When It Was Time to Bite My Tongue

One day, during a lecture, a professor who was also the director of the college decided to add some fun to his utterly boring class and what better way than to pick on one of the most well-known students in college. That day was my turn, and he asked me a question. I didn’t answer by the book and replied that resonated with my logic. But this didn’t go down well, and he claimed in front of the entire class that Sujona Chatterjee thinks she is superior to everyone else.

I could feel my tears, taste my blood boiling anger and wanted to use the most painful words possible. But somehow, I bit my tongue and kept my mouth shut. I could feel all eyes looking at me, hoping to give a fitting reply. But I don’t know why deep, deep down within my heart, I thought he just wasn’t worth it.

As the class ended, I could feel the anger leaving me. I didn’t have the energy to talk to anyone. Have you felt exhausted after you recovered from intense anger? You feel like you don’t have the power to do anything and want to curl up in bed and escape to a dream world.

Fame — a Double-edged Sword

I knew fame was a double-edged sword. While I was navigating the good side of it, the wrong side didn’t take time to embrace me.

The final year was about to end, and we had to appear for our last exam. This exam would determine if I would get my degree, and low and behold, when the results were out, I didn’t pass. This news spread like wildfire, and I had to face all my classmates and teachers the next day. When people know all about you, they take a lot of joy seeing you miserable, and as I faced the pitiful reactions, I once again kept my head high, refused to let my tears show and collected my report card, which showed my first ever academic failure.

When I came home after collecting my failed report, I broke down. I knew life wanted to teach me important lessons, and I did. But through it all, I also learnt that there is a time and place to express emotions.

Expressing how we feel is vital. But what is also critical is to check where we are at any given moment. When there were moments, I wanted to scream; I didn’t utter a word. When there were moments, I wanted to cause pain through gut-wrenching words; I chose to bite my tongue. Because at the back of my head, I knew I didn’t want to worsen the situation, and I also knew that my every action would lead to an adverse consequence.

Emotional Quotient (EQ)

According to Help Guide, this is the meaning of Emotional Intelligence (EQ) —

Emotional intelligence (otherwise known as emotional quotient or EQ) is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges, and defuse conflict.

When I look back to those moments, I realize life taught me how to improve my EQ. It tested me at my worst and taught me that there is a time and place for everything.

So often, we feel overwhelmed with emotions. We don’t know how to handle it all and end up communicating at the most unfortunate timing. Some regrettable situations can be —

• Venting to someone when they are going through a tough day themselves.
• Not listening to another’s viewpoint as we are so angry and then regret it later if only, we made the time to listen after we calmed down.
• Just went on and on typing our hatred towards someone else’s behaviour without making an effort to call and listen to the pain our words are causing them.

You see, we cannot control our outcomes. Some are just meant to happen. But through each downfall in life, we learn how to express our emotions, and we must. But we must be careful about when, where and to whom.

Some people are toxic and would take advantage of your weak moments. Some are going through a terrifying day themselves and don’t have the energy to respond to your emotions the way you wish. Therefore, even if it hurts, we must wait until we find the right environment.

It’s hard, I know. When you are hurting, you cannot think straight, and you need someone by your side. But our one small effort to check in with someone will save the day. When I go through something gut-wrenching, I do the following –

• Text the people I love and ask, are you in a space to talk.
• Write down how I feel and then read it repeatedly. It somehow reduces the intensity of my emotions, like we wouldn’t laugh at the same joke twice.
• Call someone and ask where they are and ask if they can meet or call me back. This gives them time to create the headspace to listen to what I need to say.

A simple act of checking does go a long way. That doesn’t mean that the person you wish to speak to brushes you away every single time. If that happens, we must rethink our relationship with them.

All I am saying is to hold that thought until it’s the right moment for you. Because even though we may have the right intention, it may backfire with our impulsive emotions. What’s vital is to stop, reboot and vent in a safe environment so that when the time comes to deal with that person or situation again, you will be the one to hit the ball out of the park.

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