Is the Pain of the Dating World worth the Chance You’ll Find love?

Re-entering it is not on my bucket list.

Pain and love go hand-in-hand.

Whether you’re in it, have lost it, or are looking for it, there’s a sense of loss or longing associated with love.

You need thick skin to enter the love contest, and even if you win, you’re going to nurse scars from the sharks chomping at you to get a taste. Despite this, people re-enter that shark tank with the hopes of finding the one.

And some people do. We’ve all seen it happen. For those of you with hope and faith, you make finding love a quest, a lifelong ambition, the one thing you can’t live without.

Looking for love isn’t something you’d ever consider not doing. Rejection and disappointment do not deter you. The horrible dates, the dramatic break-ups, and rewriting dating profiles are scheduled into your day.

Re-entry is a common occurrence.

You are more resilient than I.

Exiting for good

In my case, love was not just blind; it was deaf and clueless. I should’ve said, “I don’t,” at the altar and run to the nearest exit. My mother, who broke out in hives the night before my wedding, would’ve been ecstatic.

The hell with the money for the reception.

It was good for a couple of years, but we began to feel disconnected, and at one point, my then-husband, also my last one, told me he didn’t know what was wrong. We probably would’ve ended it then, but I got pregnant.

We had to try. Unfortunately, that we turned into me. He disengaged completely.

He didn’t support my son or me. He lied, cheated, and denied everything that was right there in front of him. As a result, we were divorced by the time my son was 18 months old.

For the first year after my divorce I needed time to get back on my feet. I needed to find a job, daycare, and to back get into the flow of life. But that flow didn’t include re-entering the dating world. I was a single mom, I felt like a failure. The last thing I wanted was another man.

Curiosity got the best of me, and who was out there anyway? I’d never know if unless I re-engaged. My introduction to the online dating scene began.

The failed re-entry phase

I tried several dating websites. Not just once, but many times. I’d go head-on into them, connect with someone, maybe even meet them.

One guy I didn’t recognize. He had red hair in his picture and when I scanned the restaurant where we were meeting, the only person who was alone was a man with gray hair.

It felt like a lie.

Then there was the dating service that I paid thousands for. I specified “single,” and I got “separated,” which to me means still married. Legally you are. And you don’t know if that guy will sign those divorce papers or what his reaction will be once he does.

It sucks to invest in someone who in the end goes back to his wife.

Then the guy who hated everyone that wasn’t white. I couldn’t get away fast enough.

There were other failed starts and sudden disappearances. Dating was like my marriage, a quick burn that left only ashes. I tried for years.

When I say years, I mean I mentioned dating to my son; he was around 12 at the time and he responded, “Yes! Please! Get a boyfriend like the other moms.” In translation, it meant, “do something else besides nagging me, leave me alone.”

Now he is in his 30s with kids. Yet, nothing has changed for me. I never re-entered the love force, never had a serious, long-lasting relationship.

My friends, my family, my writing, activism, and cats are enough for me. I have more years behind than ahead, and I know with certainty that finding and falling in love will not happen.

It’s not on my bucket list.

Is it worth it?

This question is as individual as we are, and I can only answer it for myself. It is a resounding “no.” It’s like winning the lottery or Publishers Clearing House. The payoff is fantastic, but the odds are approximately “1 in 30,000.”

Competing for that perfect one is like watching pigeons fight over bread crumbs in a parking lot. The pickings are slim and not worth the effort.

But love is master of all. It’s why people love dogs so much.

Unconditional love is prized about all else. It is rare but not extinct. So if you think it’s worth it to re-enter the quest for love again and again and again, then it is.

I hope you score big.