Is Silence Too Loud for You?

Silence can be so loud that it’s deafening

I used to have a strange relationship with silence. Maybe it came from childhood when my dad used to tell me to speak up, not to stand there as silent as a lemon. Not sure why this particular citrus fruit was singled out? After all, I can’t say I’ve ever heard an apple speak? And then, in the next breath, he would tell me not to answer back.

So was silence a good thing or not?

According to the dictionary, silence is a complete absence of sound. But is that true? Is there ever a complete silence?

If you were somewhere totally quiet, you’d be able to hear your heartbeat and maybe a ringing in your ears.

And there are many types of silence. Silence speaks volumes.

Social Silence

This is the silence of not knowing what to say or how to say it. The silence of not wanting to be heard.

I’ve had many clients who have social anxiety over the years, and social silence terrifies them. They imagine that they have to fill a silence and don’t know what to say. As the external silence grows, their internal noise ramps up, and they become more nervous. This is the silence of being afraid to speak up, of wanting someone else to speak first. The silence of feeling like your voice doesn’t matter.

And I usually suggest that my clients fill the silence with listening. They are not listening to their internal narrator but listening to whoever starts to speak. When you listen to someone else, the other person can feel your interest, and they don’t notice your silence.

And you’ll find that silence can be comfortable.

Comfortable silence

If you’ve ever wondered what happens at a Quaker meeting, the answer is simple: silence. That’s right, for about an hour, Quakers will sit in silence, occasionally broken by someone standing up to share a message. It may sound boring, but there’s something incredibly powerful about sitting in silence with a group of people. It can be refreshing just to sit and be still in a world that is always filled with noise.

This gives attendees a chance to let their minds quieten and hear their own thoughts. This is why silent retreats are popular.

For many people, spending time in silence is the best way to unwind, reflect, and recharge. And so, silent retreats have become increasingly popular to disconnect from the stresses of daily life and reconnect with yourself. The benefits of silent retreats are well-documented — from reducing stress and improving mental clarity to fostering creativity and deepening spiritual practice.

There’s freedom in not having to speak. Years ago, I attended a year-long training as an auditor. I participated in the training weekends and participated in the exercises but wasn’t required to give feedback about what I learned during the exercise.

And sitting in silence whilst the students shared their experiences, I heard so much. I wasn’t mentally preparing my contribution whilst I waited for my turn as I wasn’t going to get a turn and so wasn’t listening to my own narrative rather than whoever was talking.

It’s also comfortable sitting quietly with someone you care about. Not having to fill a comfortable silence is nourishing.

Using silence as a weapon

You’ve probably come across the pushy salesperson who has been through a sales training and learned that you should be quiet as the first person to speak loses.

Losers, I say.

I struggle to believe that this ploy still works, but maybe it does?

Using silence as a weapon to get what you want is often a tool in relationships. Giving someone the silent treatment as a way of showing anger or upset

Of course, this treatment only works if the other person takes the silence personally rather than enjoying the peace.

As a coach, I offer silence as a space for my client to process what we’ve been talking about. To let things settle and see what comes up. If I jump in too soon, I’ll offer my thoughts rather than allowing the client to notice their thoughts and speak when they want to.

The theosopher Syd Banks once gave a tape of one of his lectures to someone that requested it. But instead of the lecture, he gave the man a blank tape by accident.

The man raved about the tape when they met next, saying it was the best he’d ever heard.

And yet there wasn’t anything on the tape?

The man thought that the blank tape was given to him on purpose. He found the silence nourishing and reflective as his mind got quiet.

A silent mind

Can you ever have a silent mind? Many people believe that they ‘should’ be able to get to a place where they have a silent mind, and these people could spend years searching for this place. But we are thinking beings, and it’s impossible to shut off thought altogether.

I wish I had the proverbial pound for every client I’ve had that tells me that they want to stop thinking. You will one day, I say, and you don’t want to be in a rush to get there.

Maybe a silent mind is a meditative state where thought flows through you rather than getting snagged?

People equate a silent mind with a blissful state of nirvana. But Ramesh S Balsekar, author of ‘Confusion No More’, says, “Nirvana is not something that you can achieve by doing something. Nirvana is something that you already are.”

According to Balsekar, nirvana is not a destination or goal to achieve, but rather a state of being already within each individual. While nirvana might seem like an unattainable state, Balsekar believed that you can reach this quiet place, a state of silence, in the middle of a crowded room.

A silent mind, then, appears to be the absence of wanting and suffering rather than an absence of noise.

A state where silence is never too loud.