Is My Reluctance to Date Wisdom or Avoidance?

A closer look at the why — and why not — of dating.

Every few weeks or months, I have a change of heart. I decide that I need to be more open to life’s opportunities. Specifically, to love. Sure, I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt, sobbed all over the t-shirt, sent the t-shirt back to my ex, and swore I’d never let myself be hurt again. But that was all in the past, right?

I was ready. I could do this.

It’s the same every time. The same thoughts. The same determination. I start with great optimism. A few conversations later, that optimism dwindles. It’s a lot of effort for little reward. Where is that spark of connection, the ease of conversation?

What happens next is terribly predictable. I get tired. I decided that being single is a lot more fun than this dating business. Conversations dwindle. I delete my profile.

Why am I like this?

I could blame dating culture — it’s a factor, after all. But the truth is that it’s part wisdom and part avoidance.

How can both be true?

The Avoidance Factor

Let’s address the obvious avoidance first. I loved hard, and I hurt so much that even remembering the hurt can cause me to flinch in pain. It’s visceral. I let someone in. Worse, I allowed myself to plan for a future with that person. I trusted that when he said he loved me, he meant it and wouldn’t change his mind. So, when he did, it was crushing.

Obviously, there are going to be some associations with relationships and pain for me. When I like someone, I remember all too well what it was like at the start — and how easily I went from being loved and in love to being in love and abandoned. Even though I’ve done a lot of healing, I have to admit that there’s still a little fear left over.

So, when dating becomes all effort and little reward, it’s not exactly a shock that I would rather delete my profile than risk getting hurt. I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t a factor. Frankly, it’s easier being single. I know what I’m getting. I don’t have to worry that I’ll wake up one day and not be in love with myself anymore the way I would worry with a partner. So, there is some avoidance in my decision-making process.

It’s not intentional. I’m trying to keep an open mind and open heart. It could be said that I have some trust issues now. While I’d like to believe someone could fall in love with me and stay in love with me, my heart hasn’t seen it and doesn’t believe it could happen. My mind assures me it’s possible. My heart fears that it’s not. It creates a reaction where sometimes I’d rather withdraw than take the risk.

The Wisdom Factor

But there’s wisdom, too. At the end of the day, I have decided to make my life beautiful now. I haven’t put anything on hold in hopes of creating that life one day with a partner. I’m living the life I want.

If I’m honest, I didn’t do that in my last relationship. I thought the relationship was going in the natural direction — toward longevity and perhaps even cohabitation. So, I didn’t buy a house when I wanted one because I thought we were planning a future together. I put a lot of things on hold I wouldn’t have otherwise. In the absence of that relationship, I took training I wouldn’t have considered when I was coupled because of the time it took. I bought a house on my own. I built a life I love. I stopped waiting for someone to build it with me.

So, half of my decision not to date — at least online — is wisdom. It’s the acceptance of the fact that I can’t force the timing or make the right person come along. I can only build a good life and remain open to love. I don’t have to invest my energy in something that doesn’t feel right for me, but I can also change my mind if I decide later that I want to give it another try. It’s not an all-or-nothing decision. I’m trusting my gut in a way I never really did before.

I’m not wasting my time anymore. I’m observing red flags and heeding them. I don’t continue to pursue relationships when I realize that we’re not compatible. I make every effort to be kind and honest, but I’m looking for a full and equal partner, not a fixer-upper. There is wisdom in taking a step back from dating when we’re just not connecting with anyone. There’s wisdom in taking that energy and effort and investing it into something that feels more worthwhile at the time.

Wisdom and Avoidance, Together

I know that there’s a little avoidance in the mix. I know that the idea of liking someone and putting myself at risk of getting hurt is a real fear. I also know that I will remain open to love despite the fear. I might not be looking for it, but I’ll be ready if it arrives.

I decided to stop judging myself for the fear. It’s a natural reaction to having loved and lost. Most of us feel it at some point in our lives.

I believe there’s love out there that’s secure enough that we don’t have to spend every moment holding our breath in hopes that we don’t rock the boat. There are loves that will consistently reassure us so that we don’t live in fear that they will discover that we aren’t truly lovable after all. We’ll be able to rest our worries and enjoy the connection. The fear won’t disappear, but it won’t be a constant trigger either.

Until I find that, I’m okay with knowing that my hesitance to truly invest in online dating might be one part avoidance and one part wisdom. I decide that I’m okay with that. And in a few weeks when I change my mind again, I’ll try my best not to shame the indecision either but to trust that it’s okay to try again when I feel ready.