Is It Possible To Balance “Doing For Others” With Your Own Needs?

People-pleasing is a zero-sum game

People-pleasing is a pastime for many, and if you’re one of the loving souls adorned with the title of being a pleaser, you fully understand how this can be a double-edged sword.

It’s emotional combat with yourself.

Are You a People-Pleaser?

People-pleasing involves putting someone else’s needs ahead of your own. Pleasers are highly attuned to others and are often seen as agreeable, helpful, and kind. However, people-pleasers may have trouble advocating for themselves, which can lead to a harmful pattern of self-sacrifice or self-neglect.

Does that sound like you?

If it does, you likely focus on doing what you deem is good for others, without regard for your own feelings. This could lead to resentment toward the people you’re pleasing and whose approval you may be seeking.

Here are some common people pleaser traits:

It’s hard for you to say “no” and when you do you feel guilty.
You experience feelings of low-self esteem.
You worry a lot about what other people think.
You have little or no free time because you are always doing things for other people.
You’re afraid that saying “no” will make people think you’re being selfish or that you’ll disappoint them.
You often agree to do things you don’t want to do.
You think doing more things for others will earn you more favor
You take the blame even when something isn’t your fault.
You put things you want to do on the back burner so you can do things for others.
You agree with people even when you actually disagree.

It’s not all bad to be a pleaser. Generally, you’re well-liked because you’re seen to be generous, thoughtful, empathetic, and caring. It’s the imbalance between your needs and your care for others that becomes a problem.

Cause, Effect, and How To Stop

If you find yourself in the camp of people-pleasers, you’ve likely thought about how that came to be. There are causes that are apparent, some not so much, but here are a few, how they impact you, and what to do to stop the cycle.

Poor self-esteem leads to a lack of authenticity

When you have a lack of self-esteem, you may simply agree to put your needs on the back burner and make others’ needs your primary concern.

You’ve allowed yourself to take a back seat so you could do for others. Doing this doesn’t allow much room for being your authentic self, making it hard for you to recognize your own true needs and desires.

The fix: Do good deeds when you actually feel it. Don’t be so quick to say yes to things and devalue your own life. Always check in with your own feelings and needs and make compromises so everyone can get what they need.

Uncertainty leads to frustration

You may feel insecure about the love or acceptance the people in your life have for you, and in turn, work hard to make them happy. This can lead to a constant cycle of helping them, feeling frustrated toward them for taking advantage, and then feeling regretful or sorry for yourself.

The fix: Practice expressing your opinion about things. Ask them to share their feelings on small things just to open dialogue. It may be easier to do this over text at first and work up to doing it on the phone or in person, just so you can get comfortable with it.

It’s also good practice to ask for something you need from time to time to start flexing that muscle in the other direction.

Seeking perfection leads to anxiety

If you live your life in pursuit of perfection, it’s very likely that your relationships with others and how they feel about you need to fall into that category as well. If you believe that constant giving of yourself is the way to get to a perfect relationship, this could lead to stress and anxiety in your life.

These efforts to keep everyone happy can stretch your own mental and physical resources thin.

The fix: Wait until you’re asked for help. Not every situation in life needs you to pop in and save the day. If someone needs you, trust that by now they know they can call you.

Otherwise, sit back and be a little more selective of what you do with your free time, and remember to carve some out for yourself that is off-limits for anyone else.

Trying to heal the past leads to sacrificing your life now

If your people-pleasing has deeper roots from the past and you’re trying to heal those in real-time, you’re wasting your precious life away.

If you’re carrying around old feelings, guilt, or insecurities, you’re doing it at the expense of your current life by working tirelessly to overcome them.

The fix: Seek the help of a therapist. Some things need outside help to be resolved, and if that is the case, and you can’t seem to break out of these old habits, seek out some professional help.

Therapy can help you build the mental strength you need to create the kind of life you want to live and break out of old pleasing patterns.

The Guilt and Resentment Balancing Act

It’s easy to see how the dance of not being able to say no can lead to resenting the recipients of your good deeds.

The solution is simple, but may not be easy, especially if you’ve been at this for a while now. People can easily get used to you doing things for them, and may have a hard time seeing the downside, especially if you never show any signs of it.

The solution: be honest with yourself as well as with the people in your life.

Instead of allowing your guilt, past feelings, or need to be perfect or liked take the lead, honestly evaluate what you want from the situation, and include that in your decision-making process.

Here are some ways to get the emotional scales more balanced so what you want is part of the equation.

Recognize that boundaries are good. You can say “yes, but..” and name a time frame that works in your schedule. It doesn’t always have to be an unqualified “yes”.
Tell the truth. If something just doesn’t feel right to you, then say so. If tomorrow’s not a good day to stay late to work on a project, then communicate that clearly. Be direct and honest, and don’t feel compelled to explain. “Tomorrow isn’t good for me.” is a complete answer.
Offer some options. If a direct and honest answer to start seems a little harsh for you at first, you can offer some options to help ease the discomfort. “Tomorrow isn’t good for me, but Wednesday works!” is also a good way to keep everything balanced.
Evaluate your needs each time. Your needs will change, as do everyone’s so don’t be afraid to reevaluate each time something comes up. Just because you were able to say “no” last time (and be proud of it), doesn’t mean it needs to always be “no”. The point is to consider how you are and what you want each time. You’re not always going to say “yes” or “no”. It will be dependent on you.
Value give and take. You’re not wrong to want a little bit of reciprocity from the relationships in your life. It’s a reasonable expectation, so don’t feel bad when that feeling rears its head. Give if you want to give, and if you need something, say so. Without shame or hesitation.

Don’t Confuse Caring For Yourself With Being Selfish

By now, if you’re a pleaser, you’ve convinced yourself that by doing what you want to do, you’re being selfish. At least a little.

That kind of silly thinking needs to stop. Taking care of yourself, or at the very least, considering what your needs are or what you want is just that. Caring for yourself. And that’s not a bad thing.

You have a right to consider yourself, your plans, and your feelings with regard to any situation in your life. That doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you a human being who has their own needs and feelings.

Reconciling feelings of guilt with those of resentment are the common plight of the people pleaser. But it's in your best interest to get out of the habit and start making the necessary changes to get some balance, though it may not be easy since some of these habits formed a long time ago.

You can do it by making some small adjustments to your default thinking and committing to the idea that your needs and self-care also matter.

Recognize your opportunities to make positive change so you can get your time back, set your boundaries, and remind yourself that you simply can’t please everyone, after all.

Being generous and helpful is a good thing, but going too far and sacrificing your own needs can leave you depleted in many ways.

It’s time to get what you need without feeling guilty.

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