Is it OK to say I’m broken?

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Abstract

estly didn’t care, I’ve long since given up on dating, why, because of how broken I am. Then he told me that confidence had always been my issue and that he tells his friends I’m one of the smartest people he’s ever met. I stopped dead in my tracks and told him to stop saying that, it’s simply not true and at best I may have average intelligence. I really don’t know how to handle compliments.I’ve given you a bit of back story on this friend and I, so you’ll understand why this next statement is so emblematic of how broken I am. I spent the next THREE DAYS trying to figure out what his ulterior motive was. Why was he lying to me? I drove myself crazy.Anyway, back to the earlier dumbest smart man comments, I genuinely thought if I was funny about this, I could joke with others about the fact that I am lacking in intelligence and we could laugh together and when my stupidity shows up, no one will be surprised and act shocked. Who knows, perhaps it’s a self preservation mechanism to limit the shame I feel for not feeling as smart as my peers.Now however I’m starting to view this in a slightly different light. I’m still not comfortable enough to say my friend is right about not joining in on the humor at my expense, but I’m starting to lean that way.This particular friend is big on setting and enforcing personal boundaries, something I’ve never done, let alone been aware of. I could easily make the argument that my friend’s boundaries are too restrictive but I feel that’s unfair on two levels. 1, Who am I to say what level of boundaries a person needs or not, 2, I had no clue until recently that I pretty much had no boundaries, so my opinion on this one is woefully weak at best.So back to the question at hand and the title of this

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post, is it OK to say I’m broken? I can see multiple angles to this. On one level I truly feel broken, like I don’t fit into any kind of societal norm and certainly feel no sense of belonging to anything. From another angle I can see how this might be too hard on myself and that I need to learn to be compassionate to myself.But I also believe I’m something of a realist and saying I’m broken is an accurate description against societal norms. I’ve never said I’m broken beyond repair, although that is a deep seeded fear if I’m honest. But I am broken, I’m not able to trust and be vulnerable.Just last night I was talking with my ‘adopted mother’ as I call her, a long time friend who has a son my age. She was telling me a story of her deceased uncle who never married until in his 70s. She said the other women in the home would flirt with him all the time and were upset when they found out he was off the market. Then my friend said something to the effect that there is a lot of competition in old people’s homes as women tend to live longer, thus seeking for companionship is really big. I laughed at her comments but then had these thoughts.1, I can see the humor of this, 2. Logically this makes sense as we are social beings, 3, the thought of being vulnerable and ‘needing’ companionship is alien to me, heck it terrifies me. I see it as a weakness.So yes, I am broken and doing everything in my power to fix myself, so yes I am broken and I say it’s OK to say this because it’s my reality right now!Documenting my stories is not easy but helps me and I hope it can help some other lost soul. Help me raise awareness for mental health by hitting that follow button and giving me a clap. Thank you so much!!!</article></body>

I would like feedback on this as I’m too close.

For years I’ve tried to make light of how broken I feel. Often having banter with male friends, this would just feel like joking (is this going along to get along?). When I’d do this with my female friends they’d either fall silent or show me pity, and pity may be the single worst thing anyone can do for me.

Recently I was talking to a friend who’s been on the trauma healing path for some time. We had a deep conversation about various things and then she let me know she can’t joke with me when I denigrate myself. I was shocked because I never saw it like this. Specifically calling myself the “Dumbest Smart man” you’ll ever meet. I’ve never felt smart, hell, I was in my 40s before I could admit to myself that I wasn’t stupid, true story!

A few years ago I was walking with an old and close friend up in Ottawa, Canada. We’ve known each other for over 30 years and his son still calls me uncle Mike. I remember it vividly, we were walking through the Byward Market in downtown Ottawa. He, like many, can’t understand why I’m alone in life. To be fair I’ve never told them the full story as I censor my thoughts and words with people. Anyway, as we were walking he said “Mike, you didn’t even notice that woman checking you out”. To this day I don’t know if he was just trying to build me up or if said woman looked at me. I honestly didn’t care, I’ve long since given up on dating, why, because of how broken I am. Then he told me that confidence had always been my issue and that he tells his friends I’m one of the smartest people he’s ever met. I stopped dead in my tracks and told him to stop saying that, it’s simply not true and at best I may have average intelligence. I really don’t know how to handle compliments.

I’ve given you a bit of back story on this friend and I, so you’ll understand why this next statement is so emblematic of how broken I am. I spent the next THREE DAYS trying to figure out what his ulterior motive was. Why was he lying to me? I drove myself crazy.

Anyway, back to the earlier dumbest smart man comments, I genuinely thought if I was funny about this, I could joke with others about the fact that I am lacking in intelligence and we could laugh together and when my stupidity shows up, no one will be surprised and act shocked. Who knows, perhaps it’s a self preservation mechanism to limit the shame I feel for not feeling as smart as my peers.

Now however I’m starting to view this in a slightly different light. I’m still not comfortable enough to say my friend is right about not joining in on the humor at my expense, but I’m starting to lean that way.

This particular friend is big on setting and enforcing personal boundaries, something I’ve never done, let alone been aware of. I could easily make the argument that my friend’s boundaries are too restrictive but I feel that’s unfair on two levels. 1, Who am I to say what level of boundaries a person needs or not, 2, I had no clue until recently that I pretty much had no boundaries, so my opinion on this one is woefully weak at best.

So back to the question at hand and the title of this post, is it OK to say I’m broken? I can see multiple angles to this. On one level I truly feel broken, like I don’t fit into any kind of societal norm and certainly feel no sense of belonging to anything. From another angle I can see how this might be too hard on myself and that I need to learn to be compassionate to myself.

But I also believe I’m something of a realist and saying I’m broken is an accurate description against societal norms. I’ve never said I’m broken beyond repair, although that is a deep seeded fear if I’m honest. But I am broken, I’m not able to trust and be vulnerable.

Just last night I was talking with my ‘adopted mother’ as I call her, a long time friend who has a son my age. She was telling me a story of her deceased uncle who never married until in his 70s. She said the other women in the home would flirt with him all the time and were upset when they found out he was off the market. Then my friend said something to the effect that there is a lot of competition in old people’s homes as women tend to live longer, thus seeking for companionship is really big. I laughed at her comments but then had these thoughts.

1, I can see the humor of this, 2. Logically this makes sense as we are social beings, 3, the thought of being vulnerable and ‘needing’ companionship is alien to me, heck it terrifies me. I see it as a weakness.

So yes, I am broken and doing everything in my power to fix myself, so yes I am broken and I say it’s OK to say this because it’s my reality right now!

Documenting my stories is not easy but helps me and I hope it can help some other lost soul. Help me raise awareness for mental health by hitting that follow button and giving me a clap. Thank you so much!!!