Is It Just Me or Have We Gone Too Far with the #Swelce Swooning?

I’m happy for Taylor, too, but this is getting out of hand…

“Karma is the guy on the Chiefs coming straight home to me.” These are the words that have rung across the world so often in the past week that anyone who has never heard this song, now knows it by heart.

As I flip through social media, I cannot seem to get past the Swelceverse. It is growing, seeming to swallow every woman whole.

They are screaming, folks. Literally screaming. Women of all ages: twenties, thirties, forties, fifties. They are running through their house, screaming. They are covering their faces, screaming. They are jumping up and down, screaming.

They are posting close-up, slow-mo videos of the moment Swift inserted this new line into her song and her backup dancers all reacted in happy shock. And close-up, slow-mo videos of “the guy on the Chiefs” smiling and covering his face when he heard what she sang. And close-up, slow-mo videos of the off-stage kiss that followed.

All this after at least as many videos of a similar style highlighting his hand on her back when they were in New York, or the way he took off her coat at the restaurant. Or how about the endless videos of him looking up at her from the field that fateful day and every single photograph taken of her during that game in which her body language screamed something everyone seems to want it to scream.

I don’t know. Maybe something’s wrong with me. Maybe I’m just dead inside.

But this all makes me very uncomfortable.

I suppose there’s something we should get out of the way. I’m not a Swiftie. I don’t even know if I just spelled Swiftie correctly. (Is it -ie or -y?)

That doesn’t mean I dislike her, however. I am not entirely familiar with her discography (for heaven’s sake, I just discovered All Too Well), but I genuinely love (read that: am obsessed with) some of her songs. I think she’s incredibly talented and I know (and admire) a savvy businesswoman when I see one.

But I honestly don’t know much about her — particularly her romantic history, which appears to be the most important thing about her, based on what I see on social media. I can maybe name a handful of her boyfriends, but I don’t know any anecdotes about them, couldn’t tell you when they dated, and I have no idea which song is about which ex.

And literally who the fuck is Joe Alwyn? I honestly have no clue.

So there it is. I’m not writing from the most informed place here. But all that said, I still sense that something is a little…I don’t know…off. And just because I don’t know every detail of this woman’s romantic life as most people seem to know, that doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

Maybe that’s where we should start. Why is the most exciting thing about this woman her relationship status and history?

She’s such a talented writer and successful businesswoman — why on earth do so many people seem to care more about her romantic life than any of that?

Maybe it’s purposeful. That seems entirely possible, doesn’t it? I did say she is a savvy businesswoman, and she knows the way our culture works. Songs about past relationships with other famous people, every phrase another clue to what really happened… I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised if all of this was orchestrated to leverage her personal life into an addictive product that we all want to buy. (Again, high five to her.)

But even if it is purposeful, she wouldn’t be able to capitalize on it without certain preexisting dynamics. She didn’t magically make people obsessively care about other people’s romantic lives. Women in this culture are already conditioned to obsess about romantic relationships. You might even say it’s part of the foundation of female life.

And that’s where all the trouble begins…

“I’m middle-aged and happily married, but whoo…!” This seems to be the collective feeling of the Gen X women in America, perfectly exemplified by Kim Holderness in a recent TikTok video that has over 14,000 likes.

Well, all but this Gen X woman.

As I scrolled through the 300+ comments, many of them from fellow Gen X women voicing their solidarity, I found myself more confused than ever.

What does this mean? We’re middle aged and happily married (well, again…not all of us) but “whoo”? What’s all the hand-fanning about? The hands on hearts? The feigned light-headedness and stars in the eyes?

“Are we all 16 again, as if falling in love for the first time?” someone asked.

Maybe. Maybe that’s what it is. But why? Why does that matter?

Is this what we still want? The romance novel ending in which the knight in shining armor carried his princess off into the sunset? The romcom in which two people, against all odds, fall in love and laugh and kiss through all the obstacles?

Is that what it is? We acknowledge that we’re too mature for these fantasies and who cares, anyways, because we’re happily married to the guy who is our best friend (and pretty fun in the sack), and we’ve just learned to look away when he scratches his balls or pretend he didn’t just fart during a good morning kiss, but deep down, we want to indulge a little and pretend that the romance novel, the romcom fantasy is out there somewhere? And we’ll be happy even if we don’t get it because at least someone we love so much is living that dream?

Is that it?

I suppose I should be ruthlessly transparent here and tell you that middle age, for me, has brought me a little further down the road from most of my contemporaries. They might be saying that they’ve matured enough to accept the imperfect relationships they have, but they still love to indulge in the Swelce romance.

I would go one step further. I don’t believe in love, at all. Romantic love, that is.

I know many won’t believe me, but this isn’t a hopeless statement made by an embittered woman. I feel no sorrow or bitterness when I say this. I have come to this conclusion based on my experiences and observations and it has brought me peace.

I believe in love. Plain old, everyday love. But romantic love, in my opinion, is attraction. It’s sex. It’s butterflies. It’s dopamine.

I think love doesn’t often outlive the butterflies. And as such, we don’t have great staying power when it comes to relationships. Nor do I think we necessarily should. I think we put too much emphasis on “forever monogamy.”

But the relationships that I’ve witnessed that do succeed in the long haul are those that are based on love and friendship, rather than more fickle attraction (romantic love). The long haul relationships are the ones who stick together even when sex isn’t happening, when life gets extra messy, or when those aforementioned farts keep intruding on the fantasy.

I don’t think any types of relationships that have romantic or sexual components are right or wrong — it doesn’t matter if you get swept away by butterflies and that’s all you discover you really have together, or if those butterflies lead to a long-term relationship based on friendship.

But I wonder if it’s time that we lighten up with the fantasy of it all.

“This is it. This is the one. This is her forever,” I saw someone predict on TikTok a few days ago. As I scrolled through all this muck that was sludging up a carefully-curated FYP that mostly features food porn and holiday decorating videos, I stumbled upon a video that featured clips of Swift and Kelce at various points in their past doing similar things with a heading that read: Made for each other. Then another video featuring a woman sharing her thoughts about when Kelce might propose.

I’m floored by this. Swift just broke records with her Eras concert tour, broke records with the Eras movie, and is continuing to break Grammy records after she received six nominations for Midnights.

I feel an overwhelming sense of admiration for her commercial success. I’m so proud of her, a fellow woman, for accomplishing this much — and all by writing and singing clever, fun, and soulful songs about love and relationships. (Take that, patriarchy!)

And no, I’m not trying to be a killjoy. I’m also happy for her and any woman who finds herself matching up with a good partner and who is obviously glowing with the dopamine rush of falling in love.

Despite that, I still find myself uncomfortable with this obsessive attention that she is receiving because of her new relationship. Why is this so important to everyone? Why are we so starving for something that is essentially a temporary dopamine high? And not only that, but someone else’s? Why do we need to make predictions about weddings and babies?

And as we continue to make our way further into a world in which social media and paparazzi give us more and more access to the lives of celebrities — and even each other’s lives — how will this obsessive attention to romantic relationships affect the next generation of women? And how will the normalization of 9 billion people watching your relationship unfold affect the way we fall in — and out — of love?

I think we should absolutely celebrate the highs we and others experience — including falling in love, butterflies, attraction, etc. And most definitely celebrate experiencing a happy romance after a lot of heartbreak and disappointment.

But also, I wonder if it wouldn’t be healthier to maybe take it down a notch or two.

© Y.L. Wolfe 2023

Y.L. Wolfe is a gender-curious, solosexual, perimenopausal, childless crone-in-training, exploring these experiences through writing, photography, and art. You can find more of her work at yaelwolfe.com. If you love her writing, leave her a tip over at Ko-fi.

More on my unromantic feelings about romance: