Is it Healthy to Leave my Father Behind?

Not everything a culture says is healthy is true.

We’re done.

Mostly.

I hit a pressure point with my father after years of trying to heal our relationship and find a good way for us to connect.

And now, I’ll continue without him.

I plan on keeping in contact with him, but I’m no longer seeking validation, support, or wisdom.

Not everything culture proclaims about healing relationships will work, or even be healthy long-term.

Sometimes you have to go your own way.

Effects of an absent father

My history with my father has been shaky.

Exhaustively.

The problem with childhood influences that f*ck us up is either due to either of these experiences:

Chronic

Constant(chronic) unhealthy experiences with a parent pound all sorts of insecurities and self-loathing into a child. A physically or emotionally abusive parent can wreak havoc on a vulnerable and plastic mind.

OR

Acute

Sharp, intermittent, acute unhealthy experiences do a different type of damage. Parents that show up randomly can come off cold, apathetic, and intimidating when the rest of your world is comfortable and easily predictable in the case of love, understanding, and co-existence.

That was us.

My parents split when I was a year old, and my mother moved 2000 miles away from Arkansas to Idaho with me and my sister.

My mother was comforting, always available, my savior, and loved me unconditionally. So, when it came to me visiting my father 6 weeks every summer, it was a shock to my system. I was so afraid to do anything wrong for the fear of being scolded and reprimanded.

It didn’t help that my father was abusing alcohol.

This kept on until I was a teenager, and it was my last visit at 14 years old that changed things between us forever. I’ll save you the details, but my father basically got angry with me and threatened to beat me.

It’s such a blur now…

But, instead of dealing with him, having a discussion, and enduring the fear and discomfort, I ran back home to my mom.

It changed my character forever.

And it’s an action I take full responsibility for.

That very passive moment turned me into an emasculated young adult. I feared all men and submitted to them in both work and personal relationships, and it made me turn away from even the most opportunistic situations that could’ve changed my life for the better.

It also left me without a good father figure that could harden my male foundation.

Without him, I was indirect, indecisive, and timid.

My relationships with girls and women suffered because of my timidity and codependency. Women easily got tired of me and left.

My work and business relationships were full of anxiety and fear. I was taken advantage of and silenced when I should have spoken up.

My desires and passions were left on the sidelines because I was never mentally strong enough to choose and commit(I applied and opted out of art school three times).

The lack of a masculine identity and mentor will destroy a boy’s ability to be confident, hold on to self-respect, and be decisive and solid in his life’s path.

This is why I advocate for men and masculinity.

But let’s move on.

Epiphany # 384763

The lack of a relationship didn’t just hurt me, it hurt my father too.

He never got to learn grace and patience and compassion, not until his second son, my brother. He never got to become the ‘father figure’. In the short amount of time he did get to spend with me, he was always impatient because of wanting to fit in so many memories.

To this day, my dad is still looking for the time to remedy the past; heal what was broken, and mold a father-son relationship that fills both of our souls.

However…

He seeks a boyhood relationship with me. What he’s after is the student/mentor role. His own desire is set in stone by going back 20 years and having a relationship with Zackary the child, not the adult.

I wrote a piece a while back that you can read on allowing the Father to die. It tells more about my father and the importance of the changes in the relationship between father and son.

Ideally, a father has to allow and respect the transition of his son from an adolescent student to an equal adult. Whether by challenge or initiation, a son needs to be able to step into his own; know that he has sacrificed boyhood impulses, and now hold himself to a stronger standard and an intentional compass.

This is necessary with or without the father, and if the father is present, it requires him to step aside and allow his son to step onto his own individual pedestal of equality and self-oriented mission.

This is what’s missing in my relationship with my own father.

And I have to allow this simple idea to exist:

Our expectations of one another will never change.

Growth without the Father

If you asked me 5 years ago, I’d say the only way to move forward as a man would be to heal the relationships with my parents.

But now…

I’ve realized that sometimes waiting for others to meet you halfway may never happen, leaving your growth tethered to the past. That’s why relationships constantly either have to change or they have to end.

I no longer expect to heal anything.

I’ve soaked myself in finding my traumas, dealing with my insecurities, and healing whatever it is that has held me back from being my best self. And within that, I’ve realized that I don’t need to be validated or had anything proven by anyone.

Not even him.

Potential for Fatherless sons

If you are a man who has had an absent father or an impossible one, and you’re looking to grow your character and fill in the empty spaces that are your desires, I want to pass this on to you:

You don’t need others to complete your healing or complete yourself.

The “lie” is that for you to move forward, you have to make mends in your relationships.

But the truth is that those relationships don’t have to be healed in order for you to heal. In fact, those relationships don’t even have to exist.

The only difference between moving forward and not is dependent on whether or not you hold hate, resentment, or expectation for those relationships.

Growth is not dependent on making sure others are satisfied.

So, consider this:

Your ‘father’ relationships and mentorship can come from other men in your life, direct or indirect.

The masculine energy and its influence doesn’t have to be learned from your blood or guardianship.

Look to your idols and mentors and teachers that inspire you and teach you every day.

Find the men who empower you to be your greatest self, and you’ll limitlessly grow and heal.

I forget sometimes that I’m talking to so many other people that are life learners and self-motivated self-improvement obsessors…

So, who do you look up to?

What have you gained or lost from your own father?

What healing have you done with or without him?

Has he been a crucial part of your own growth, or a hindrance or absentee?

Do you agree or disagree with me on moving on without your father?

Regardless of your standing…

I’d love to hear.

Truth and Love reader.

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Does it make sense to be a “fatherless” son and remain fatherless as an adult?

I’ve had a disturbingly difficult relationship with my father.

I’ve jumped from one assumption of healing to the next, and it’s become clear that what we want from life and how we live it is just nearly impossible for us to be satisfied with.

My father wants to live nomadically for the sole purpose of being available for my brother and me. He lives to spend time with us and connect with us.

Why?