Is It Fair To Ask for an Open Relationship After Cheating, or Is It Complete BS?

So now he wants to be with both of them Because he said he loves them in different ways.

This came to my mind because someone close to me has been in emotional conflicts in the last few months due to infidelity. So many questions arise, here is a bit about it.

He is a man who was in a monogamous relationship with his wife, with two children. They decided to separate for multiple reasons. When they were apart, he began a new relationship with another woman who apparently met all the “requirements” he was looking for in a woman.

So, according to him, he was thrilled and finally had a healthy and happy relationship full of understanding. They decided to have a child together. As time passed, he got back with his ex because he realized “he still had feelings for her”.

So now he wants to be with both of them Because he said he loves them in different ways.

Neither of the two women agrees with that. They do not want a relationship like that, which is absolutely understandable. He violated the rules of the relationship they had, so they consider themselves betrayed, and they are.

This has turned into a huge family conflict involving the children, who have absolutely nothing to do with it but, at the same time, are the bastion of why they are still together and why they are all involved in fighting so hard in the relationship.

Apart from his socially accepted freedom as a man to do this, many questions arise.

Is it worth all of this suffering? Is this love or possession? Are they still in time to heal? Is staying after infidelity in today’s times the new shame? Would it not be better to leave?

If we see this case rationally, we would probably have much better solutions than suffering and making your life a living hell. The problem is that you can’t look at an issue like this in an entirely rational way because:

In the past, a monogamous relationship was an economic agreement, infidelity was a financial threat to our economy;

nowadays, monogamous relationships are mainly based on romance and possession, so infidelity threatens our emotional stability.

Whether the emotions that arise after being betrayed are valid or not could be questionable for some, but the reality is that they are authentic. We feel them, suffer, cry, and go through massive grief.

The reality is that infidelity can destroy us in different ways.

For example;we suffer when realizing that we are not “the one”, we are not the soul mate of the person we thought could satisfy an endless list of needs and vice-versa. The romantic fantasy of the soul mate and the great ambition and utopia of endless and lifelong love is destroyed.

So we realize that we are completely replaceable and not indispensable to that person.

We lose trust in everything, and we question absolutely everything, who I am, who we were as a couple, who that other person was. We enter into a crisis of trust that can be traumatic. Not only that, but we want to know if we can trust that person or anyone again.

And then we ask ourselves, what did I do wrong? The answer we usually give is no, of course not. The fault is not yours. The responsibility is of the person who betrayed you. And it is true, we have absolutely no influence on another person’s desires because, as we all know, even the happiest couples are unfaithful. But we are responsible for dealing with it because it redefines our lives and future.

In the case of this story, both women are still with the man in a kind of Cold War, insulting each other. Does this make any sense? Is love a sufficient justification for living in such a relationship? What is the definition of love that they have? That he has?

Why do we decide to stay after infidelity? Does the resentment that remains after being betrayed disappear? How do we deal with the resentment if we decide it is worth staying?

Is the monogamy as a norm and the romantic idea of love the problem? Is it better to rethink the terms of the relationship and decide to have an open relationship? Could the man in this patriarchal society accept that the two women can be with other men?

Is infidelity a problem, or is monogamy the problem?

The truth is that monogamy is not for everyone. As soon as we accept it, reflect on it, and communicate to our future partner our limits and intentions, we can have better and healthier relationships.

I recently wrote an article on whether monogamy is realistic these days, which caused a lot of interest and exciting comments. You can also take a look there.